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My heart's alive
Firestones
When they strike
We feel the love
Sparks will fly

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know how I became so numb to all the things around me.
I can't tell if I'm finding comfort and solace in people, or if I'm at the point where I don't care about how they receive the things I tell them.

I just want to get high, forget the feelings I can't feel anymore.
Nostalgia of the days where love radiated from me, depleting the ozone of people's atmospheres until they realized I was the only person that could ever love them so deeply,
It just scares me to know that I will never feel that way about anyone again.

Even you, who swears to the moon and back that I've taken you by storm.
That you weren't supposed to "have this happen" and that "this ruined all your plans'
I can't help but feel skeptical and untrusting of you. I mean, I think of how we met, and I wonder, how could that be? Especially given the fact that you don't like casual encounters?

When did I become so untrusting of people? I think that's what bothers me most.
And yet, I know the answer, and I know my own actions.

I'm an untrustworthy person.
I believe in grinning and bearing it, toughing it out, letting things go until you can't anymore.
I'd sooner tell someone that I was having the time of my life before ever fussing up to the fact that I've been swimming in a pool of the same twenty thoughts for months now.

And everywhere I go, I seem to be plagued with memories of not necessarily better days, but certainly simpler ones.
I went to a restaurant I haven't allowed myself to go to in over a year, simply because that was where I ate with Randy frequently. We ate there for our first date, we ate there the night we got engaged, and yet I found myself there with someone who reminds me so much of him and it honestly freaked me out.

Is life really that circular? Am I doomed to date a "wild card" then a "randy" then another "wild card" and find myself back with another "randy?"
Haven't I already determined that I don't want that, that I don't want someone quiet, brooding, generally unhappy and doing what they can to get by?
Haven't I already determined that I don't want to be with someone who is going to confine me into a box, tell me I can't do the things I want and the things I love?

And yet, I already feel some strange obligation to spend my time with you,
Though I know that I don't want forever with you,
Though I know for a fact that if this ended today, I'd be shocked and potentially dismayed, but I would be fine.
I would lick my wounds, let them heal, and move on without so much as a passing thought of you, where you were, or how you were living.

And I don't say that because this is something new,
I say that because its true with Randy, with Erik, with Luis.
Because even though I loved John, or thought I did,
The same rings true for him.

I spend so much time with these people,
And yet within an instant they're merely a fond memory, that I don't even allow myself to think of.
Not because it hurts, but because I have zero interest in remembering them.

I just wish I had fought harder to become less callous.
But every time I think of those simpler days, I can't help but feel a numbness wash over me once the nostalgia subsides.

I would never harm myself,
but honestly at this point, I would be okay if I died.

I can't see myself ever willing to feel love the way I have for so many people.
Because I even feel a certain numbness towards my friends, and I think that may be the worst of all.