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I just don't know where we stand,
I want to be in your life but I know in my head and in my heart that I can't continue to be the only one fighting for this.
Do you believe a friendship as deep as this comes effortlessly?

I know the amount of love you've invested, and I think we can both guarantee that it pales in comparison to mine.

It's a terrible feeling, knowing you're the one who loves someone else more.
To know that you're the one who will always have to give up pieces of yourself to continue to make that other person happy with no reciprocation.

I know for a fact that I'm not cut out for love,
My romantic relationships have hinted at that,
But my platonic relationship with you merely pours cement in the pothole of an idea that I could ever find someone who genuinely loves and cares about me as deeply as I have for you and my romantic partners of the past.

Even when I fight and fight and fight,
It seems that its still not enough, because I'm the only one fighting.

You've all worn me out,
And I can't be burdened with the idea of investing so much of myself so fully into another person.

I never thought I would feel this way,
I never thought I'd feel so defeated when it comes to true love, happiness, and a future with someone.

But I do.
And I'm waving my white flag.

Love, the very idea of it, makes me uncomfortable.

Rather than feeling the warmth and butterflies that I did a few years ago,
I feel the rejection, the ice cold water splashing me,
I'm waking up to the realization that nothing is as simple as what you think love should be when you're a kid.

I don't ever want to be crippled by the codependency and neediness that inflicted me when you were a consistent figure in my life, nor the same codependency that plagued me with Erik, Luis, Randy, and even John.

I will flourish on my own.
I will become the most beautiful garden, cultivated by my own self love and self dedication.

I will never depend on you the way I did.
I'm too smart to ever allow myself to reach that point again.

I love you, I really do,
But you will never be the sun,
Because I need to be.

Only I can give myself life,
and I can only depend on myself to give myself life.

If I were depending on you,
I would've died long ago.