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everyone wants to feel special, right?
it is part of the horribleness of valentines day. there is no one there to make us feel special, i suppose it could be even worse to have someone be there and not make you feel special.
i hate valentines day because i am not special and am painful aware of that.
i hate february, it is frantic and i always feel like and after though during this awful month.
i was having a discussion on valentines day with a friend. i always thought that you had to be secure with yourself before you could be secure with other people. point being that i do not believe happiness should rely on other people. she thought the opposite that people make you happy or no one would date and fall in love. at least that is what i got.
i do not think one's happiness should rely on someone else. that scares me when someone makes happy. i should be able to make myself happy right? except i have resigned myself to the fact that i am doomed. i am melancholy and just try and get by. who has time to mess around with unnecessary emotions and people.
i do not want to crave the attention of others. i do not want my happiness to come from someones attention. above all when it so elegantly crash and i have nothing left, i do not want the emptiness and broken shards.
we should feel special and feel loved. however i still feel like i walk around like a shadow watching everyone else.

i think i received a valentine and in that short moment i felt really special. i felt that someone cared enough to try to make me smile. it was a wonderful feeling.
of course doubt set in and i wondered was it just for fun and not meant to be special and wonderful.
but in that moment i felt special and that i suppose is priceless.
i just wish i could make sense of everything. i do not have the emotional energy or time to though.
so who will make you happy?