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If You Give A Girl A Gun, She's Going To Ask For Bullets
So I've been feeling pretty good about the way things are going. Sure, there are setbacks, hundreds of them, but that's nothing new. There are a few other things that I want to do that literally just cannot be done right now. Waiting is always the frustrating part of trying to get everything together. So far, I'm not too worried. As long as I stick to the plan, I should be fine. But I've noticed that maybe my change in environment has given me this new found motivation. I don't know if that's normal or if that's why people relocate and travel. Is there some kind of magic in a change of scenery? I can't think of what else it could be other than money lol and that's another thing. When I was younger, it was easy to see that money can be manipulative and dangerous and it does change people. I would always say "I'm not gonna be all about the money because I don't want to be overcome with greed." Now, I still feel that way, and I think I'm doing an okay job with that. I haven't gone off the deep end and I haven't put my initial values aside for money. However, I have decided to keep my finances to myself and my family. You seem to become some kind of target when you have money. People want to talk to you more, hang out more, and suddenly you become this interesting person to them. I'm beginning to think I should just stay away from people again, they really cause nothing but trouble. If you have great friends that care about you and actually consider you in almost everything they do, you should be beyond grateful. When I look back now, I don't think I ever had real friends and I probably never will, along with other things. To be honest, I feel sad just typing that lol but I know that what I'm doing now is for the better and I won't regret it in the long run. Really the last thing I need to work on is acceptance. I need to accept that sometimes being alone is just better. Not for my emotions, but for my physical and mental stability. If I'm spending years being alone to make money and build a life for myself, maybe I won't find that special person. Maybe I won't have a family of my own or someone to just talk to. That also makes me sad, but what choice do I have? There are NO good people out there. Despite who you may know or what you've witnessed, everyone has some interior motive for why they "love" someone. It doesn't even have to be something obvious like money or sex or just common mooching. It could be for their self esteem or their lack of knowledge or their need for connections. They're never with you just for you. Can you imagine the paranoia I feel on a daily basis knowing that if someone approaches me, they want something in particular? I'm not gonna waste any time trying to figure out what it is. Honestly, I just need to tell people to ******** off more often. I spent countless hours thinking about what I could do for someone, how I can make them happy, and for what? No one's ever thought that way about me ever, so what the hell do I owe them? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's just time for me to fight back.
Sincerely,
Kalasia
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