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this song reminds me of all the people i've loved so deeply, who have really held a space in my heart for unknown lengths of time.

stephanie, katherine, jen, bri, paige, luis, randy, john.

its strange when you look at it, just how many people have touched and shaped you in such strange ways.

its a tough pill to swallow when you see how many of them you still talk to. why are we only capable of appreciating the people that we love once they're gone? can we even say honestly that we loved them, or did we just love not being alone for a while?

and what's so wrong with being so alone? this is the first time in my life i truly feel alone, and even now i'm not actually alone. i have people who want to love me and care about me and yet i still manage to want to push them away.

maybe we do these things, push away these people we love so deeply and want to continue to love so deeply, because we know in our hearts that we aren't any good at love.

love is too scary and too complicated and it requires much more commitment than anyone is ever really willing to give,

even all those times i swore up and down about finding an amazing partner, maybe initially i believed the words i was saying , but in my heart of hearts i knew i was entirely too selfish and afraid to lend myself to anyone fully.

wouldn't you say the same is true for you?
we cling to this idea of love as being some beautiful scene from a play, that comes so naturally between the actors because their chemistry is effortless - but that will NEVER be love.

love is something that takes a lifetime to cultivate. it leaves us with voids in our hearts as we, as individuals, go our separate paths, trying to improve ourselves for ourselves - not for one another, because at the end of the day we are all selfish beings. i have realized i am the most selfish being of them all, constantly wanting to cry about being abandoned but unwilling to stop licking the wounds i've inflicted on myself from hiding how i feel from you.

and whose to say you haven't taken a step back to cultivate your life as an individual this time? we've both done it and there's nothing wrong with that.

sometimes we need to take a sabbatical from our friends, family, and romantic partners. unfortunately, sometimes these sabbaticals leave us coming back to a door that has been sealed shut.

tell me, honestly, if i took a sabbatical from you, would you slam the door and lock it tight, ensuring i could never find a way back in?

sometimes i think i'd do that to you, but we ebb and flow, sometimes effortlessly, and sometimes with great struggle, that even if you never come back, the door will always be cracked, anxiously awaiting your arrival.

is that love, or is that just me being an idiot?

i digress, this song is really beautiful and it continues to remind me of all the people i held to a high standard and who once held me to a higher standard as well.