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3:38 AM.
August 6, 2012.

I lost one of the most beautiful and strongest women I've ever known and loved. Rest in peace to my beautiful grandmother, Shirley Fantone DiDomenico.

I just keep thinking of you in that bed, you weren't alone as it seemed, were you?
I hope you weren't in pain, and I know Jean said we could hear you, but I hope you really heard everything I said.

I'm so sorry for every single thing I missed out on, I'm so sorry for not being there every second I had. I'm so sorry you never got to meet the people that meant something to me in my life. I wish you had met some of my friends, I wish you had met my boyfriend.

I don't know why I never brought anyone around, never Bri even though I wanted her to meet you. I wish you had known people like that a bit better in my life because she was someone that meant a lot to me at one point, just like you always have.

And I don't know why I never brought Luis around. I guess because by the time he and I were dating, you were already so sick and frail. Everytime I went to see you I couldn't look you in the face, if I couldn't do that I didn't really feel like it was right to introduce you to someone else. You'd notice they couldn't take their eyes off you're beauty while I couldn't even bring myself to look. But I really did want you guys to meet. He wanted to play bingo with you, I told him about how that was your typical Sunday festivity and he said it sounded like a blast.

I wish I had visited you more in the hospital, because I knew you hated it there and all you wanted was someone to hold your hand and tell you everything was going to be fine. But I was too absorbed in my own hate for the hospital and everything that comes with being there. I wish I hadn't been so selfish and I had sucked it up and gone, even if I had only been there for twenty minutes once a week, I know you wouldn't have minded because you'd have company.

As I said my goodbyes to you, it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. Just first looking at you made me breakdown. Aunt Dorothy said she had never seen someone die right before her eyes, I never had either until it came to you. You were in a coma, in a bed, and I was supposed to be alone with you. But I couldn't be alone with you because it made me too scared. My mom sat with you and I tried to rub your hand, but I couldn't say my goodbyes to you with her right in front of me. So I just cried. And she spoke. And I left, it was too much. I stepped outside and the entire family comforted me. My dad held me and told me to calm down and talk about Peru, but Peru wasn't what mattered right then and there because you were the only thing that did.

Some hours past, people smoked their cigarettes and we reminisced about the good days. Majority of those days were before many of the grand children were around. We listened to your favorite song, A Sentimental Journey, it was beautiful. I can just picture you and Grand-daddy dancing around the room, enjoying the sunset after a long day of chasing children and him working so hard.

I wish the moments in your house I spent, where I actually lived there, didn't feel so blurry. I wish I could remember more than just sharing a room with my sister and even my dad, I wish I could remember the times I spent with you and the silly stories my family tells me. I wish that time hadn't been so bleak, I wish moving in with you had been a good thing versus a bad compared to the prior situation, because then it would be so much easier to remember. I'm just thankful you were always the woman that would house your children and grandchildren, even if we were all sleeping on the floor because there were no beds left.

That's one thing I've always loved about you, even in the moments where I felt like you needed to kick everyone's a** out for sucking you dry of some of your money. You don't believe anyone in your family should ever be homeless. You won't rest easy at night if you know someone is on the streets with your blood, and your name, and that has a slice of your gigantic heart.

Eventually, I could say goodbye to you. Alone. I apologized for it all, I told you I loved you. I kissed your cheek, it was warm. It felt much better than I was expecting. Your skin looked so soft, you seemed so at peace but we all knew you weren't there just yet.

Aunt Lynn told me about something you had said Wednesday or so, as she came in the room.
"Have you seen Pete?"
She looked at you kind of confused, "Well, no, have you?"
"No, but if you see him tell him I'm lookin' for him."

Have you found him yet in heaven? I know he's been waiting for you. It's weird, I typically don't believe in things like heaven or hell, but I feel like something must exist with the two of you because you need to be with each other for eternity.

I looked at the pictures of both of you, you were so gorgeous, you've always been gorgeous, you were even gorgeous in a sense on your death bed. The picture from April 1944, of you and Grand-daddy in New York, it was breath-taking. You were literally a couple from a movie it seemed. Like someone drew you up, not that you were just an every day person like me. I really hope I get that picture of you and him for my apartment. Its just so surreal, I want it to be with me for my entire life.

You were such a funny and kind woman too, especially when it came to saying something off the top of your head. Before you slipped into your coma, Uncle Alan came to give you some medicine. He said he had a pill for you, and you looked at him like he had lost his mind.
"Where'd you get it?"
"Aunt Lynn gave it to me."
"If you kill me that's murder and you're going to jail!"
He chuckled, Aunt Lynn laughed from her room. She had a baby monitor so she could hear every word.
He gave you the first half and you took it, then you refused the second because you just weren't going to trust Alan completely. Who could blame you after... well, after everything we've all seen him go through. Aunt Lynn assisted you with the rest of the pill, then she finally was given some rest.

I feel like I'm living in a state of delieria, which I know is spelt wrong. I didn't even get back home until 6:15 AM this morning. I wasn't going to leave your home until I knew everything had been taken care of, or as much as it could have been taken care of considering the hour and everything going on.

As you were going out, it seemed almost too good to be true. This was the way you would have wanted it. Everyone was around the table in the kitchen, eating McDonalds because it was the only thing open at such an hour. We were all reminiscing again, and just enjoying each other's company. Talking about anything from socks to rocks it seemed. You were taking your final breaths, but mere yards away laughter was filling the house as if nothing was wrong at all.

As you drifted into the final slumber, your family was together. It felt like a home instead of a hospital. Everyone you loved was being loved and loving. Everyone was a prodigy of what you had spent your lifetime creating; they were a family. And I'm just honored to be apart of the family you cultivated.

Jean said you had one of the most peaceful deaths she had ever witnessed. You took your final breath, and that was that. You were finally with Grand-daddy. You were finally in paradise. You were finally home.

Aunt Lynn told me another tale of the last few moments of your life today, a few hours of rest later, or rather one for her and six for me. She told me about the time she was cleaning your mouth a little, she gave you a few drops of water because that's all you could bear to swallow really.

You asked her to come close, and she did. She kissed your forehead.
"I love you." You whispered, and she smiled.
"I know, I love you too." She whispered back.
"I love you more than anyone else."
"I know, mom."
"But I don't love you more than when I loved your dad the most."
She laughed. That was something she could live with. She knew how much you loved her, and she loved you more than anyone else too. You both took care of one another.

At times I feel like there was a disconnection between us, like I didn't really know you and you didn't really know me. But these little stories make me feel so much closer to you, and they help me feel like maybe you know me much more than I expect. You always were the kind to notice the things nobody expected you to.

"You got your braces off, Kaitlin. I bet you thought I wouldn't notice." But I should have known you would. Because you were the only person able to love every single person in that family, flaws and all. And you were in the only one in that family that would never give up on a single one of us.

I just hope now you can hold us together, even after all of the running around is done.

I love you so much, Grammy. I hope you and Grand-daddy are finally happy together at last, in paradise. Where you're at your best, whatever that point in your life was.