I found in my desk. I find it funny as its blank just like these other pages I'll have to write on to keep things on note but for the mean time I feel cold. Weather is changing yes but it does feel cold everyday even I can't wait for winter. Thinking about it I do wonder why I keep laughing even their no joke that been told. Maybe it's one of those moments I have to try and smile even I'm scared to show some pride beside stupid and idiotic stuff such as fanbase. You know as my thoughts start to run like this pc of mine that I keep using I wonder why I try to forget people even most people I can't forget nor could I forgive.
Last Saturday I with to this birthday party at a park. I normally wouldn't go because of my actions of choice annoys me. If you're asking who party it belongs too well it's for a baby that turn one year old. I don't really care much for the child but have notice that people change a lot but the sad thing I haven't change at all. I guess it was good even I hang with people I knew and had few laughs even I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Even with the touching moments that I just want to say something about it but I might as well annoyed someone else with it.
I end up leaving with dear friend of mine hanging out as the last time we spoke was at this concert even their band gonna have another show next week. This might be fun even I don't want to think about the actions I pick to embarrassed myself nor his band when I shout "encore!" while everyone shout it too. It's funny because I tried to give them at least good time at the time even they don't have much songs.
Person in that band brother died and the one I feel unbelievably hurt.
My thoughts at his funeral was sad if I could say that even the band song "Dragonfly" pretty much was playing in the background but at first when I was their right before I left with few friends I was with in high school before the burial they played one of the band song called "Beginning of the end" as we were talking about it. My understanding as he with to the burial they were lots of dragonfly sad yet ironic if I could say much. I'm glad I with but not the burial even I was scared to show any emotions their but I sad because I didn't shed a tear. Even with this part of the story I kind of told him what happen when we left even I got teased and touch few times that scared me. It was raining even they were having fun I was just down but I didn't show any emotions.
We did hang out but as the days with by I didn't know what to do. These few days I just lay on my bed just stare at the ceiling but wonder how long do I have to live with grief. I know others people have it worst but I find it personal.
I don't know why but I like sleeping as I could escape this reality even I keep drifting out of reality some people said I need help but what good can that do? They might as well lock me up and say I have suicide thoughts.
~Ayame
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