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that I'm not human. I hate this feeling like a curse but more and more I end up crying behide close doors. It doesn't matter me much since I'm at that point I'm screaming for help. Like I want someone to save me from so much yet this feeling of falling and anger against everyone just upset me since I shouldn't have these kind of emotions. . . Then again I don't want it to top like last time.
I know its been months since my last entry but I have nothing to write about since whats said is said. It's same s**t just different day but thats how I see it. Well since I'll spilling my guts on here I might as well step on a personal notes then again why would anyone care much about a stranger,
So let start in the beginning shall we ? Last few months during the summer my mother fallen ill I happen to lost count how many time she has been in the hospital this year alone but most of the time I'm always out of the loop about it. That always bothers me but it hurt knowing about it. She gets upset when I'm under the weather but like always I try to show a brave face knowing that deep inside I just want to cry.
Its one of those things that can't be help even during that day I ate lunch with one of my sibling. We ate lunch at a pizza hut but like always he always flirting with girls its always troubling seeing him do it but I honestly didn't care but during that week. I just stood there scared when she was seizures I read about it but I didn't do anything but just sit there till he came in but EMT didn't show up a bit late also taking there time.
Month later or so I spoke to my doctor about my condition but once again I'm gonna be put back in mediation but I didn't take it since I felt angry so much rage. I knew this wasn't normal.
I'm scared talking about more deeper problem since they might send me somewhere like that place I with too. . . yet being around people like that annoys me yet pleases me. It just annoys me.
Month later I with snooping around boxes I kept in my closet and found a lot of my old artwork. I hated myself for not burning it but I saw it to a few people but they just said "You came a long way. . ." It still pisses me off that I drew such poorly junk. There a reason I burn it yet it just doesn't matter. I end up using my old computer that doesn't work but I learn it was three years ago but there is a lot of files of old work I did and pictures I long got rid off but during that same week my personal computer finally died. I had it since 2008 but the sad thing about it is my three years of work gone. It hurts knowing all your hard work just suddenly burns in front of you like watching a fire burning papers in a BBQ pit.
I felt my heart drop and I also happen to got back with fan fiction too. I got a new computer so far it's not the same. I don't go out anymore since music scene seems to die down a bit. I met a person that remind me of myself and another person that also remind me of another users in this site. It somewhat felt like I was watching myself but the only issue I had against this person is how dumb he is but it's nice talking to someone that isn't so foolish as everyone but I dislike the fact they were smoking. The smell annoy me but I hate being a lone in events like these.
Later on I notice a cycle when I was drinking coffee even that local comic shop got hit by drive by but it also made me think of a line of being safe.
I keep forgetting no matter what people say nothing is ever safe but since I'm here I do think but the more I think about it the more nonsense but I hate being so clueless about things. So far from today and last week nothing major happen beside creepers trying to get close and a dear friend being hurt.
I just try and forget about it and just carry on.

Even now I just want someone to talk about it but when I do have someone to talk about it I just try not cry on their shower knowing how bad these are even I know its part of life. Sometimes it can't be help but I do keep my head up knowing the outcome might come out good but the more I chew on that lie the more bitter sweet it would become. Since the year is coming to an end maybe just maybe it would be a beginning of the end of this s**t world. . . or at least try and smile often
~ayame