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i could not sleep. i could not get my brain to shut up. oddly enough two kids yesterday had apologized to me for their behavior. i was shocked.
now i am scared and hurt, physical and emotionally. i am just supposed to go on.
all these kids know where i live.
today.....today was just awful. it was hot and uncomfortable. yesterday there was a fight a crossed the street. when the program ended the police had to keep coming back till twelve because fights kept breaking out on the basketball courts.

today well today....
they guy running the program is nice but clueless. a small argument/fight broke out on the play ground. he had me go back to the craft table. everyone, i mean everyone kept coming to me about problems. i went to go tell a group of kids to not sit in the street. he asked how we deal with this. my reply was we tell them to get out of the street or leave. was that so foreign a concept? why was i the one who had to go deal with it? i had to deal with yelling at the group to not whip the tether ball, stop throwing: water, wood chips, food ect. the college students came to me with their problems and they just milled around, bored.
so then we had a revolutinary war guy do a demo. he let the kids hold fake muskets! yes they were wooden and fake but still! i kept going around telling them not to aim them at people and guns are bad. a three year old was using the sighting thing. the students just stared.
well the city i live in was one of the four sites the declaration of independence was read besides philadelphia. so we do not celebrate independence day here. we celebrate heritage day, the day the declaration was read. so the declaration was read and we booed and yayed at the appropriate parts. after i took all the fake guns back. i like history so i was asking him questions when some one came running over, i can not even remember who, and said there was trouble. so i go running and a fight i had broken out. the one girl i had had problems with before and actually had to break up a fight with her before. this was bad though. it was a mob. so i am trying to break it up, feeling pissed off, having no clue what i am doing or if i should but i can not let these people beat themselves to death before the police arrived. as i was running to the group i did yell that someone should call the police.
it was strange i was trying to break it up and was shoved backwards and something broke, a bracelet or candy or something. so i am crashing to the ground and there are colored balls flying and hitting the ground. it was kind out surreal. i hit my head and see my feet fly up and i get punched in the face. i can not get up. i am dazed and people are swarming. a couple of people did try and help me up. i was dazed and my head hurt. i was worried i had a concussion.
the police show up and a woman takes me over and tells them i was attacked. i ask was i? she said yes. then they ask for who is in charge and i look for the guy and he is just standing there. so i go get them and we talk to the police and the police basically said we, the program, instigated it. #&(@()@(@ the guys said we had nothing to do with it. the police said the calls had to stop. if i was not so dazed...well we will never know. they never took my name or statement even though i said i knew who the people were. so we had to clear the side walk and keep everyone in the park. i was the only one who would do it. when i asked for help from the two kids who are paid through another program they said it was not there job. the younger group of kids who were part of it were giving me grief so i just went and got an officer. walking back i kept swearing to one side. when i got into the park a man who was volunteering asked me if i was ok. i said yes i am not sure i hit my head. he said he saw the girl who punched me. i was shocked. so i asked him what he saw. this is it. i was knocked down and a i fell this girl who i have been having problems with stepped in and punched me. took the opportunity to punch me. it did feel like i was purposely punched but at the time i just though it was by accident. i was shocked. even thought this is the girl who called me a fat a** b***h and racists. threw things at me and grabbed her crotch and said suck my d**k. so she got the punch in. she gets the satisfaction of physically hurting me. hitting my head was nothing. i do not even have a lump. she hit me on my right side at the back of my jaw and ear. it could have been worse but luckily she is not even in high school and probably did not have the clearest shot. well the woman who said i was attacked, years ago had actually started the initial program, anyway she said come with me and took me to her house. she gave me advil and ice and made me sit on her porch and went back. he son, who is older than i, sat with me and kept checking to make sure there was not any major damage. he does martial arts and would know. the volunteer who saw me get punch came by as he was leaving and told the sun what he had seen. the son then wanted to make sure that my neck had not turn. the mother came back and they were trying to decide if i should go to the hospital. i wanted to run i hate hospitals. i was lucky. anywhere else in that area and damage would have been done. a little kid who likes me walked by and was all worried when he saw the ice pack. the guy running came to check on me and all i kept asking everyone was, was i in trouble for leaving? he said that i was not but i was the one to watch out for because i went running. what was i supposed to do? it was a crisis! i wanted to minimize threat.
i am a pacifist. i believe in no violence what so ever. that may not be realistic but that is what i believe. when kids ask me what i would do it i was called a name i tell them nothing. violence solves nothing. i did nothing to the girl who call me a fat a** b***h and she is the one who get the punch in.
i have never been punched in my life! i have never been assaulted. i feel so violated. i am going to try and make an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. i know what is going to sat. he is going to tell me to stop. everyone just kept telling me see you tomorrow. how can i just not do this? the program is falling apart. i am the one people go to. i am the one who has some grasp of how to deal with the problems. this is my fourth year. i have never been punched. that was the worst fight i have witnessed.
i feel sick and anxious. i want to lose it, like hyperventilate losing it. i have not desire to attack back. i just do not want to leave the house now.
i also doubt anyone really cares.