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i hate february! nothing good ever comes of it for me. this is just part of it. it may be silly but it meant something to me.

there was a boy i love. yes i loved him despite the fact we had brief contact. his name was nathan and in 9th grade i was beside myself. i first saw him at the end of 8th grade. the strange thing is that he looked like kurt cobain. i saw him at the begining of 9th grade. i was standing by him and heard him talking. his voice vibrated in the souls of my feet. he was very tall with blue eyes and blond hair. he was quite and at one point dyed his hair flamingo pink. i tried to talk to him on a few occasions. i was painfully shy through out high school.
my friends were obviously aware of this and we tapped in to various resources and i had his schedule. i would take routes just so i would pass by him, and try to smile, but most likely turned brilliant red.
however one day i was going down the stairs and he was coming up and he looked at me and said hi. i was so happy that day. all is could say was that he said hi. for a very shy girl that was something. he noticed me!
then one day i was running late from biology to history, last class of the day, as i was rounding the corner to history i practically ran into him.
it was just the two of us, alone in the hall. he said hello. we hurried on to are classes. i had just made it to history crossed the thresh hold and the bell rang. nathan had to go completely around the building to get to his class. i know i had his schedule. he did not go that route to get to his class. i was completely out of his way.
i went home happy. he said hello to me for no reason.
the next day i did not see him outside as we waited to be let in. my friend told me that i would see him next week, this was a friday.
i turned to her and said, no i will not. i just knew and can not tell you why. that day was in a fog.
i never saw him again.
my friends and i would steal the attendance sheets to see if he was one it.
then it was there one day. he was with drawn. it took three weeks of suspense to find out.
this happened less than a week before my birthday and then valentines day. i was going to get up the courage to ask him to the valentine's dance.
i was crushed. i cried for weeks and was completely brokenhearted. i never forgot him. i always wondered if the hello was actually a good bye and that he knew i existed in the universe.
his favorite color was green. i carried a piece of green glass for good luck and to think about him.
i lost it. i dropped it putting it on my dresser and it never hit the ground! i kid not. i frantically looked for it and felt i lost a piece of him. silly i know. but i was 14 and shy. i never even found when we moved. it disappeared it was gone.
took me a very long time to get over him. i am not sure i ever did. i think that their is a small piece that i carried around. when i got to the high school i always though that i would see him in the crowd. it was never him. that happened for an entire year.
i would mention him to my friends, the very friends who helped me with my painful crush and they would have no idea who i was talking about. it was like he never existed. the world had forgotten him. i never forgot him and i never will.
maybe the mystery was more than what could have happen in a normal dating situation but it was not to me.
i will never forget him
of the hurt of that february.

now for some reason i feel the same. i feel like i have lost that hope all over again. february has gone and destroyed the happiest i have felt in so long. it is so similar to him. same time period too. i feel eternally doomed to never find love. maybe i gave my heart away and am now am cursed.