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News update. My mum’s going to jail. Her boyfriend called to tell me and ask if I could find the number of some public defender written down somewhere. I can’t find it if she does have it written somewhere and I don’t know where to look in the phonebook for what she needs. Why is she going to jail?
I don’t really know. Either she missed some sort of meeting/class or had a dirty piss test (I wouldn’t doubt it. Stupid woman)! I need to talk to my sisters if this doesn’t get solved soon. If she really goes to jail she’ll be there for a year and a half and I’ll need somewhere to stay sense I’m a freaking god damned freeloader! UGH!!! I hate not having a job!!! T.T What am I supposed to do?
Why does she have to be so stupid. crying BAKA! MORON! IDIOT! DIM WITTED OLD BAT! UGH!!!! WHY CAN’T YOU THINK ONCE IN YOUR ******** LIFE!!!!! You got fired for stealing and being in back a half hour or more after you were supposed to be gone (even if they don’t know it WAS you who stole the steak. AND it wasn’t the first time you’d stolen from work), you kept using drugs even though you’d go to jail for a year and a half, leaving your good-for-nothing-reliant offspring(me) homeless. YOU’RE EVEN GOING TO JAIL BEFORE YOU PAY ME BACK THE MONEY YOU BORROWED! -sniffs and mutters a little sarcastically- How insensitive of you.
Seriously, woman, I’m ashamed to call you my mother. Am I the only one with some damned COMMON SENSE HERE?!?!?!?! UUUAAAGHHHH!!! I could just freaking slap you right now! Why can’t you ever think, you idiot! YOU DO HAVE A FREAKING BRAIN, RIGHT???!!!! You freaking piss me off! Idiot! Stupid woman! All those drugs and booze kill of the few brain cells you had floating around your hollow head?! Whore! Cheap woman! You never should have had kids!! I should have went to live with my father and gran Ann when I had the chance instead of giving into your whining “don’t leave me alone’ BULLSHIT! I can’t freaking stand you! You may not drink and hit and yell anymore but you’re still the same old annoying woman that pisses me off just by being in the house with me! Damn you!!
T.T I want a ******** job! It was bad enough freeloading off my good for nothing mum! I don’t want to be a bother to my sisters. T.T Whhaaaaa! I don’t want to! I don’t want to, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t! I don’t want to bother my sisters crying I really, really don’t. I mean I was bothering my oldest sister for nearly two weeks and I felt horrible being there, watching her struggle to take care of a baby who’s family isn’t taking care of it and then her two sons who are evil little horrors ALL THE TIME. And Jess has her son to take care of. Gran S. is freaky with her skin cancer and she’s scary even without it. I may be her favorite because I’m quite and she doesn’t even really notice I’m there but she’s still freaky. I think it’s ‘cause she’s an old drunkard. Drunks and old people make me really uncomfortable. I always feel like the old people are going to keel over. ><
I can’t call Gran Ann, I have no cell phone and it’s long distance. And I’m jealous and depressed that Gran Ann is probably more fit than me. I don’t think I’d be able to keep up with her. She’s like one of those energetic little terriers, always wanting to play with you and run around. I’m more like an old hound. I like a little work but I’m quiet and happy to laze around too. I wish it wasn’t winter, I want to walk and try to calm down. I’m so mad and worried. GRR!

-SIGH- Whatever. I’m going to play with my weight set and maybe go to sleep. I’m done bitching and moaning.

Mum called from jail, from what she said it sounds like she was dirty. I’m disowning her. Maybe I’ll start calling her ‘Deb’ instead of ‘mum’, let her know. Stupid woman. D<

More: She sounds like she wants to stay it out so she won’t be on probation and crap anymore which means I need to find somewhere to live and try ten times harder to get a job. T.T I need a job! A job!!! That way, until I save enough money for my own place I can help out whoever I end up living with for a while. I don’t want to go live with grandma Ann, I want to stay by my friends but I might have to live with her ‘cause I don’t want to bother my sisters and I know, at least, Grandma Ann would be overjoyed to have me stay for a while at least. On the bright side I’d probably get fitter staying with her. I hear she’s obsessed with WII Fit. =.=; I’m pretty sure she’s fitter than me and has more energy than me which is REALLLY sad. -SIGH- I guess I’ll talk to Jess. She’d find me less of a bother, I think. Or at least make me feel like less of one. Jamie is sweet and all but I feel like I’m not wanted at her house, and I don’t like her terrible youngest son. SATAN SPAWN!! gonk >< Yeaaaahh…..
So, I’m soon to be homeless, most of my possessions, what bits I have, will probably be tossed out by whoever gets our apartment after us. My head hurts so bad right now and I’m hungry. So I’m going to go back to sleep, you all know what you need to now…
Later.

Sometimes I feel so twisted and messed up. I think the weirdest/morbidity tainted things. Usually about myself. EX:

- Me, electrocuted.

- Me, knife going down the soft white skin on the underside of my arm.

- Me, standing in a pool of warm blood.

- Me, sticking my hand out of the window of a speeding car to touch the brick wall racing past. My skin being rubbed off, my hand being broken. Blood.

- Me, choking, suffocating, something tightening on my neck.

- Me, letting out the air in my lungs and taking a deep breath, replacing the air with water.

- Me, beaten, broken, bloody, alone.

- Me, chained, abused, emotionless.

- Me, hitting a wall repeatedly until my hands are broken and bleeding.

- Me, taking my face off.

- Me, cutting myself to pieces, wanting so desperately to be small and ‘pretty’.

You do not need to worry about me doing anything like any of these. Some were just nightmares from the place between sleep and wakefulness, making me jump awake. I know I’m messed up either way: them being waking thoughts or dreams. I really would never do them. They’re just thoughts of fancy.
I can’t even take too many pills or so much as scratch myself. You know those diabetes things you poke your fingers with? (NO, I don’t have diabetes.) I have to talk myself for half an hour before I can even manage to poke myself.
I DO know I’m a little self destructive at times:

Getting drunk and occasionally REALLY drunk even though I don’t really like to drink and don’t like how it makes me feel.

Occasionally smoking some of a cigarette, even though I know they make me ill.

Eating to much at one sitting until I can barely move.

Not eating for a week or two.

Drinking stuff with lots of caffeine even though I’m a little allergic to it.

~ I don’t do any of these often (besides drink coffee) and not enough to hurt me, really. Like I might do one of those things every two or three months (besides coffee, I love coffee). I’m working on knocking off these silly things. I’m trying to improve myself and work around my emo/depressed/boo-hoo-my-life-sucks moments and get healthier. I know doing and thinking those things are stupid. I know some of my G ‘family’ and friends worry about me, just like I worry about them.
Don’t worry. ^^ I’m fine as I ever was.

I still cry over everything and nothing.

Sometimes I feel so emotionless or unfeeling I scare myself a little…

Dear ___________,

Do you know how much it hurts me when you say that I hate you or do not care about you? Do you know how many times I have cried over these words or something else involving you? I cried when you were sad. I had cried when you hurt. I have realized that for the year or so that I had loved you so completely I know nothing about you? Everything you told me about yourself was either a lit, mixed in with lies and washed away with more. Was your love for me a lie too? I wanted to believe you so badly. I did believe in you for so long. Believing the best of you. Ignoring the bad things people were saying about you.
I made your words my truth. Even now I want to believe the things you say. Even now I still care for you though you insist that I don’t. I still think about you. Cry over you. Have times I can’t sleep over you. Did I ever tell you about the little brown bear I have? My ___________ bear. The bear I named after you. The bear I had cut and put a heart shaped patch with the lie you told me was you hand-stitched onto it. Do you know I had slept with it held in my arms every night? Cried into its fur late at night when I couldn’t sleep for thoughts and longing for you. Held it so tightly while you told me lies, while you ignored and blew me off, while you were giving your love to someone else.
I felt like it was something especially bad the day my sister ripped that bear’s face off. I cried for two hours and called you when I’d calmed down enough not to worry you because I was scared that maybe something might have happened to you. You either answered and blew me off with a promise to call back later or just didn’t answer. I no longer remember which it was,,, Either way, you never called back. I cried myself asleep, holding my mangled love.

You say that I don’t care about you. You’ve said that I hated you so many times. Even back then you’d always say I hated you. Does it sound like I hated you? I wish I could hate you. “I can never hate you”. I have told you that so many times and it’s still true. I can’t hate you.
I’ve never lied to you. If I did it was not on purpose. I made it a special point not to lie to you. You were my whole world. I would have gladly died ten times over for you. Even now I still love you, in a way.

How else would I be as pathetic and alone as I am now? Loving a chronic liar.

I can never tell what is a truth and what is a lie from you anymore. Can you even tell? You’d be one hell of a Bullshit player (card game). If I wasn’t/hadn’t been still in love with you, maybe I would have trusted and loved ‘the other’ instead of having hurt her. Now when I think of her it’s with hurt in her heart and tears in those beautiful eyes. I never wanted to hurt her just like I had never wanted to lose you. Tough luck, huh? I’ve lost you both because I’m a brainless, spineless, moronic dingbat.
I feel like I’m losing myself.