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Dear ___________,

Do you know how much it hurts me when you say that I hate you or do not care about you? Do you know how many times I have cried over these words or something else involving you? I cried when you were sad. I had cried when you hurt. I have realized that for the year or so that I had loved you so completely I know nothing about you? Everything you told me about yourself was either a lit, mixed in with lies and washed away with more. Was your love for me a lie too? I wanted to believe you so badly. I did believe in you for so long. Believing the best of you. Ignoring the bad things people were saying about you.
I made your words my truth. Even now I want to believe the things you say. Even now I still care for you though you insist that I don’t. I still think about you. Cry over you. Have times I can’t sleep over you. Did I ever tell you about the little brown bear I have? My ___________ bear. The bear I named after you. The bear I had cut and put a heart shaped patch with the lie you told me was you hand-stitched onto it. Do you know I had slept with it held in my arms every night? Cried into its fur late at night when I couldn’t sleep for thoughts and longing for you. Held it so tightly while you told me lies, while you ignored and blew me off, while you were giving your love to someone else.
I felt like it was something especially bad the day my sister ripped that bear’s face off. I cried for two hours and called you when I’d calmed down enough not to worry you because I was scared that maybe something might have happened to you. You either answered and blew me off with a promise to call back later or just didn’t answer. I no longer remember which it was,,, Either way, you never called back. I cried myself asleep, holding my mangled love.

You say that I don’t care about you. You’ve said that I hated you so many times. Even back then you’d always say I hated you. Does it sound like I hated you? I wish I could hate you. “I can never hate you”. I have told you that so many times and it’s still true. I can’t hate you.
I’ve never lied to you. If I did it was not on purpose. I made it a special point not to lie to you. You were my whole world. I would have gladly died ten times over for you. Even now I still love you, in a way.

How else would I be as pathetic and alone as I am now? Loving a chronic liar.

I can never tell what is a truth and what is a lie from you anymore. Can you even tell? You’d be one hell of a Bullshit player (card game). If I wasn’t/hadn’t been still in love with you, maybe I would have trusted and loved ‘the other’ instead of having hurt her. Now when I think of her it’s with hurt in her heart and tears in those beautiful eyes. I never wanted to hurt her just like I had never wanted to lose you. Tough luck, huh? I’ve lost you both because I’m a brainless, spineless, moronic dingbat.
I feel like I’m losing myself.