Intimacy Issues... I'm so lame.
How many of you take for-granted little shows of affection? A hug, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the head or shoulder?
How many of you take for-granted your parents, whether foster or blood? Parents who are there to help you, to encourage
you when you need it, to tell you how something is done, to help you feel better after a nightmare, or a bad day, or
just after being upset by anything?
I wish I had had more of that. Maybe I wouldn't freak out over being hugged or being close to someone. I love being hugged or kissed but I am so unused to it, I freak out every time. It doesn't show much on the outside but on the inside I'm having a little freak session over being hugged. Silly, no? My mum didn't give her kids much physical or emotional affection, but it seems to me like I was more affected by it. My sisters are all fine and so are my cousins. They don't
freak out over being hugged, or touched in some little way. I mean, I got the occasional hug from my mother, usually
before going to sleep but, to me, those hugs always felt empty. Mandatory. Like it just had to be done.
When I was small I used to want to get really sick. Throw-up, you've got a temperature of 100+ sick. Because at those
times I felt like my mum actually cared. Too bad, I was never one to get sick really easy.
My mother was a single parent who had to raise five kids on her own. When she wasn't working she was often drunk or
more occupied by the boyfriend of the week. Basically, none of us got much affection but we all got punished. I suppose
I was fairly lucky with the punishments. My twin cousins, when put with their noses to the wall, had more than once had
their faces smacked/slammed into the wall. I can't remember of my little sister had ever had this happen or if I had ever
gotten it myself (my memory is quite bad), but I don't think I did. You see, when I was small I'd fallen and cracked my
skull and broke both wrists (I can only ever remember one cast though, it was red and I always seemed to be slipping my
arm out of it in my memory).
My mom used to go with a lot of guys. She'd have sex nearly anywhere, even on the bed while she had a kid sleeping there,
a hotel room where all five kids, (usually it was four, my older sister usually managed to get out of going, I think...), were
sleeping in various places on the floor. I don't think she even tried to be quiet half of the time (ewwww). She was also always
getting drunk and screaming at her boyfriends over various stupid, often non-existant, things. Like, "You're ssleeping with my
kids!" or some such stupid bullcrap. Sometimes she'd throw things. Her longest relationships were with a guy who beat her a
lot. I think she was with him for two or three years with the beatings, a few more after he went to some anger management
classes or whatever. She's still kindof on and off with him.
I suppose my mum did as best as she knew how with us. Her childish personality and all. Her drinking and drug use and all.
A lot of times she'd take us to a friends house and party all night, music blaring wherever we were. Her kids learned to sleep
through the noise or just not sleep. I learned to sleep through the noise and to avoid the rooms choked with cigarette smoke
and the stench of beer.
We got to play with the car in the trailer court though. we'd wait till they were winding down, nearly passed out or just too
drunk to really care, and ask if we could drive around. They tended to say yes. I, myself, tended not to get to drive. I'm
twenty and I still don't really know how to drive. -.-; I never got the chance to practice. Either it was a car I refused
because it was a stick or I just never got the chance. Meh, anyway, I'm getting off track here.
So, I've never been hugged much, my mum never helped me with homework or any of that crap or when I did ask for help
(this is when I got older, 12+) she didn't know how to do it and couldn't help. I don't like asking for help. It's one of my
flaws. I failed math one year because I didn't ask for help. F's across the board. Finny thing: When my kind-of-not-really
friend helped me occasionally, I didn't get an F. One time I actially got an A on a test. >w<
I can be stubborn and I really do hate asking for help or not being able to figure something out myself. When I really really
want to do something though I'll try very hard and I'll try to get it right, and, sometimes, I'll even manage to suck it up and
ask for a little help.
OKAY, basically, what I wanted to get at is that I'm not used to displays of affection or intimacy. Being flattered or
complimented gets me flustered and I tend to frown at it or get all shy. I can accept compliments about art or some
such thing but when someone I know wants to call me cute or something I... well, I scoff at it. I just can't believe
I could ever be cute or attractive. I dislike my looks. The only thing I like about my looks are my eyes. Roughly
almond shaped and a dark hazel. The kind of hazel that slightly changes color. Blue-gray, blue-green, grey-green,
and such. But my ex's hazel eyes.
Oh, they were the most beautiful things I've seen, I think. Hers were a bright light hazel. When I always saw her
they seemed to be an icy blue on the outside and a nice gold in the middle. So light compaired to my dark.
Gah! I'm getting mushy and teary-eyed, damnit!
The first day I met her I thought she was beautiful. Perfect, nearly, as far as a human might be able to get. The
first day I met her I spent the night at her house. I have no clue what I was thinking. I have no clue what SHE
was thinking. Letting a complete (basically) stranger stay over after hanging out for a little bit. I was so shy and
nervious. I was worried she would like my best friend better than me (I have no confidence or self esteem to
speak of, basically)... Later, after we had broken up because of some stupidity on my part (I'm full to the brim
of the stuff), I had learned that that first day she had kept looking at me.
I had worked myself up, worried and getting depressed because I was half convinced that she'd like my friend
better than me (most people do). I was irrationally pleased that she had been watching me, even if I'd learned it
after we weren't together anymore. That day, when we were hanging out in the store, I went to the bathroom and
nearly cried, I was making myself so depressed.
Maybe I spent the night at her house that night because I was so worried she would like my friend better...
I think I was worried she'd get bored of me, too, later. I was near the point of getting jelous of anyone she looked
or seemed to look at.
See, this is why I am un-dateable. I'm too insecure and I work myself up over the silliest thoughts. Also, my feelings
are very hard to reed. I don't express my emotions or feelings well. Most of my life I'd bottled most of my emotions
away so I guess it's understandable that I don't know how to express or show them and I'd never had friends to be
social with and to share things with. I'm socially retarted. People are scary. ><
Anyway, back to the first night with my ex. I think al we did then was talk and watch movies in her room, I was so
tense all the time, I was sitting in front of her on her bed so I kept resisting the urge to look back at her every ten seconds.
Later, we layed down and talked and stared and smiled like idiots, I had to keep reminding myself to relax because I kept
getting tense. I was shaking, partially from nerves and partially because it was cold (I hate the cold so much). I was so surprised
when she kissed me. I was a little shocked. It was only my second time being kissed my a non-famly member. I stopped the kissing
and confessed my lack of kissing know-how. I'm quite sure I suck at kissing.
We didn't kiss again until much later before I had to go home and the whole time I wanted to kiss her again. The problems started
with the touching. The cuddling and the hugs and the more sexual touching. I was starting to get used to the closeness and I rather
liked touching her but every time she tried to touch be I'd freak out to varying degrees. I'm extremely shy with my body.
I freak out on the inside with hugs and cuddling but if it starts going frther than that I'll start freaking out noticeably. -.-; I never really
thought about how that might make her feel insecure until she told me.
-.-; I really am not made for dating.
Even my friends don't hug me and stuff. I think I nearly give off a "don't touch me" vibe. I don't think they even realize it.
Sometimes it makes me a little sad. I wish I were hugged more. The short time I had with my ex was both the most terrifying and
the nicest time I've had for years. If I hadn't ******** it up, I wonder where we would be right now?
It's no use fretting over what's done.
-LOVELESS-
How many of you take for-granted little shows of affection? A hug, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the head or shoulder?
How many of you take for-granted your parents, whether foster or blood? Parents who are there to help you, to encourage
you when you need it, to tell you how something is done, to help you feel better after a nightmare, or a bad day, or
just after being upset by anything?
I wish I had had more of that. Maybe I wouldn't freak out over being hugged or being close to someone. I love being hugged or kissed but I am so unused to it, I freak out every time. It doesn't show much on the outside but on the inside I'm having a little freak session over being hugged. Silly, no? My mum didn't give her kids much physical or emotional affection, but it seems to me like I was more affected by it. My sisters are all fine and so are my cousins. They don't
freak out over being hugged, or touched in some little way. I mean, I got the occasional hug from my mother, usually
before going to sleep but, to me, those hugs always felt empty. Mandatory. Like it just had to be done.
When I was small I used to want to get really sick. Throw-up, you've got a temperature of 100+ sick. Because at those
times I felt like my mum actually cared. Too bad, I was never one to get sick really easy.
My mother was a single parent who had to raise five kids on her own. When she wasn't working she was often drunk or
more occupied by the boyfriend of the week. Basically, none of us got much affection but we all got punished. I suppose
I was fairly lucky with the punishments. My twin cousins, when put with their noses to the wall, had more than once had
their faces smacked/slammed into the wall. I can't remember of my little sister had ever had this happen or if I had ever
gotten it myself (my memory is quite bad), but I don't think I did. You see, when I was small I'd fallen and cracked my
skull and broke both wrists (I can only ever remember one cast though, it was red and I always seemed to be slipping my
arm out of it in my memory).
My mom used to go with a lot of guys. She'd have sex nearly anywhere, even on the bed while she had a kid sleeping there,
a hotel room where all five kids, (usually it was four, my older sister usually managed to get out of going, I think...), were
sleeping in various places on the floor. I don't think she even tried to be quiet half of the time (ewwww). She was also always
getting drunk and screaming at her boyfriends over various stupid, often non-existant, things. Like, "You're ssleeping with my
kids!" or some such stupid bullcrap. Sometimes she'd throw things. Her longest relationships were with a guy who beat her a
lot. I think she was with him for two or three years with the beatings, a few more after he went to some anger management
classes or whatever. She's still kindof on and off with him.
I suppose my mum did as best as she knew how with us. Her childish personality and all. Her drinking and drug use and all.
A lot of times she'd take us to a friends house and party all night, music blaring wherever we were. Her kids learned to sleep
through the noise or just not sleep. I learned to sleep through the noise and to avoid the rooms choked with cigarette smoke
and the stench of beer.
We got to play with the car in the trailer court though. we'd wait till they were winding down, nearly passed out or just too
drunk to really care, and ask if we could drive around. They tended to say yes. I, myself, tended not to get to drive. I'm
twenty and I still don't really know how to drive. -.-; I never got the chance to practice. Either it was a car I refused
because it was a stick or I just never got the chance. Meh, anyway, I'm getting off track here.
So, I've never been hugged much, my mum never helped me with homework or any of that crap or when I did ask for help
(this is when I got older, 12+) she didn't know how to do it and couldn't help. I don't like asking for help. It's one of my
flaws. I failed math one year because I didn't ask for help. F's across the board. Finny thing: When my kind-of-not-really
friend helped me occasionally, I didn't get an F. One time I actially got an A on a test. >w<
I can be stubborn and I really do hate asking for help or not being able to figure something out myself. When I really really
want to do something though I'll try very hard and I'll try to get it right, and, sometimes, I'll even manage to suck it up and
ask for a little help.
OKAY, basically, what I wanted to get at is that I'm not used to displays of affection or intimacy. Being flattered or
complimented gets me flustered and I tend to frown at it or get all shy. I can accept compliments about art or some
such thing but when someone I know wants to call me cute or something I... well, I scoff at it. I just can't believe
I could ever be cute or attractive. I dislike my looks. The only thing I like about my looks are my eyes. Roughly
almond shaped and a dark hazel. The kind of hazel that slightly changes color. Blue-gray, blue-green, grey-green,
and such. But my ex's hazel eyes.
Oh, they were the most beautiful things I've seen, I think. Hers were a bright light hazel. When I always saw her
they seemed to be an icy blue on the outside and a nice gold in the middle. So light compaired to my dark.
Gah! I'm getting mushy and teary-eyed, damnit!
The first day I met her I thought she was beautiful. Perfect, nearly, as far as a human might be able to get. The
first day I met her I spent the night at her house. I have no clue what I was thinking. I have no clue what SHE
was thinking. Letting a complete (basically) stranger stay over after hanging out for a little bit. I was so shy and
nervious. I was worried she would like my best friend better than me (I have no confidence or self esteem to
speak of, basically)... Later, after we had broken up because of some stupidity on my part (I'm full to the brim
of the stuff), I had learned that that first day she had kept looking at me.
I had worked myself up, worried and getting depressed because I was half convinced that she'd like my friend
better than me (most people do). I was irrationally pleased that she had been watching me, even if I'd learned it
after we weren't together anymore. That day, when we were hanging out in the store, I went to the bathroom and
nearly cried, I was making myself so depressed.
Maybe I spent the night at her house that night because I was so worried she would like my friend better...
I think I was worried she'd get bored of me, too, later. I was near the point of getting jelous of anyone she looked
or seemed to look at.
See, this is why I am un-dateable. I'm too insecure and I work myself up over the silliest thoughts. Also, my feelings
are very hard to reed. I don't express my emotions or feelings well. Most of my life I'd bottled most of my emotions
away so I guess it's understandable that I don't know how to express or show them and I'd never had friends to be
social with and to share things with. I'm socially retarted. People are scary. ><
Anyway, back to the first night with my ex. I think al we did then was talk and watch movies in her room, I was so
tense all the time, I was sitting in front of her on her bed so I kept resisting the urge to look back at her every ten seconds.
Later, we layed down and talked and stared and smiled like idiots, I had to keep reminding myself to relax because I kept
getting tense. I was shaking, partially from nerves and partially because it was cold (I hate the cold so much). I was so surprised
when she kissed me. I was a little shocked. It was only my second time being kissed my a non-famly member. I stopped the kissing
and confessed my lack of kissing know-how. I'm quite sure I suck at kissing.
We didn't kiss again until much later before I had to go home and the whole time I wanted to kiss her again. The problems started
with the touching. The cuddling and the hugs and the more sexual touching. I was starting to get used to the closeness and I rather
liked touching her but every time she tried to touch be I'd freak out to varying degrees. I'm extremely shy with my body.
I freak out on the inside with hugs and cuddling but if it starts going frther than that I'll start freaking out noticeably. -.-; I never really
thought about how that might make her feel insecure until she told me.
-.-; I really am not made for dating.
Even my friends don't hug me and stuff. I think I nearly give off a "don't touch me" vibe. I don't think they even realize it.
Sometimes it makes me a little sad. I wish I were hugged more. The short time I had with my ex was both the most terrifying and
the nicest time I've had for years. If I hadn't ******** it up, I wonder where we would be right now?
It's no use fretting over what's done.
-LOVELESS-
My Mum Lost Her Job.
My mother, intelegent, witty woman that she is, has gotten herself fired. What little money she brought in is no more. She was caught in
the back, half an hour (or more) after she had clocked out. This coupled with two T-bone steaks having come up missing recently, ( THEY
don't know if she was the theif but I had found two T-bones in our freezer recently), so she was fired for being back there off the clock.
I would have fired her myself if I had been a boss there. My mum is an immature idiot, rarely thinking of the consequences of her actions before
doing them. In this case she can manage to get herself put in jail for a year and a half for some thing or another over this, (or at least she was sayin'
something along those lines to someone on the phone a while ago. She also said she didn't take no steaks *Insert obviously fake laugh here*). She
may or may not have been playing with her drugs again as well. It's kindof hard for me to tell but I wouldn't put it bast her superior intellect
and obvious attention to consequences+actions. If you can't see the sarcasm there you're as brilliant as my mum (good for you, would you like a sweet)?
She makes me want to strangle her, sometimes, damned brainless wench.
-LoveLESS-
My mother, intelegent, witty woman that she is, has gotten herself fired. What little money she brought in is no more. She was caught in
the back, half an hour (or more) after she had clocked out. This coupled with two T-bone steaks having come up missing recently, ( THEY
don't know if she was the theif but I had found two T-bones in our freezer recently), so she was fired for being back there off the clock.
I would have fired her myself if I had been a boss there. My mum is an immature idiot, rarely thinking of the consequences of her actions before
doing them. In this case she can manage to get herself put in jail for a year and a half for some thing or another over this, (or at least she was sayin'
something along those lines to someone on the phone a while ago. She also said she didn't take no steaks *Insert obviously fake laugh here*). She
may or may not have been playing with her drugs again as well. It's kindof hard for me to tell but I wouldn't put it bast her superior intellect
and obvious attention to consequences+actions. If you can't see the sarcasm there you're as brilliant as my mum (good for you, would you like a sweet)?
She makes me want to strangle her, sometimes, damned brainless wench.
-LoveLESS-
I Have No Life.
Do you know what I've been doing the last two or so months? Being depressed, accomplishing a new level of laziness (thus making myself more depressed),
actually eating and thus gaining weight ( more depression, yay), then eating fatty gross stuff because I'm being lazy and uber depressed and feeling sorry
for myself. Wow, I'm about as smart as mum! Recently this thought keeps spinning around in my head: I want to hurt. I want to hurt so bad that I lose
all intelligent thoughts. I want to scream until my throat is raw and bleeding. I want to bite, kick, and claw at the nearest humanoid I dislike. I want to
taste blood on my tongue. I want to feel my teeth tear flesh.
Wow, do I have some weird thoughts sometimes...
I'm not a masochist. Honestly. I really am not. I don't really like pain, I kindof hate it, but sometimes, I want it so ******** bad. Would that make me a
masochist? I hope not. I kindof think they're creapy. Don't you have to like pain to be a masochist?
Unless I'm some kind of weird masochist who wants pain but doesn't like it and who could never hurt themselves... ? I have no clue what I even just said.
Sometimes I'll sit around and just wonder, what do I live for? What do I want to do with my life? Well... So far my life is at a standstill. I'm in a pit of
depression. Here is my life so far:
1: I guess I basically graduated school but I never went to the ceremony and got my diploma. Why? Lack of community service hours that just hsve
to be completed in order to graduate in my old high school.
2: I'm jobless and living with my mother still. I'll be twenty one in November. I plan on getting wasted even though I really don't like to drink. I want to either
black out or die from alcohol poisoning. We'll see how it goes. ( Just to let you know, I'm kindof prideful [despite lack of any confidence and self esteem] and I
hate having to depend on my mother, which and whom is a bad thing and a bad person on which to be reliant upon. I want to stand on my own. I feel like I
HAVE to but I can't. It's very annoying to feel this way.) I have no source of income. With my luck and mum's intelect we'll soon be homeless. Go us! I also don't
know how to drive a car or have a license. Aren't I so col? =O
3: My depression is dragging me down. Or rather I'm finding it difficult to ignore. Winter isn't helping. I really and truly loathe the cold and it being cold out
keeps me indoors. My eldest sister has ovarian cancer and my gran S. has skin cancer. We'll see how that goes. I also have an annoying throat infection that's
proving difficult to get rid of, as long as I don't start coughing again. Ugh. All that coughing had made my throat hurt more and had caused a very uncomfortable
pain to start between my shoulders.
4: I've still made no headway on trying to deal with my emotional, social, or physical issues. I believe, in fact, that I am losing ground.
Also, some extra talk: I'm finding talking to my best friend/ kinda-boyfriend has become annoying. I've been ignoring everyone but I haven't been wanting
to talk with him for a while now. I like him, he's sweet, caring, and damn cute. His core personality is very like my own. This may or may not be part of
the reason why I've not been wanting to talk to him. I don't want to talk to a mushier, lovy-dovier, cute-as-hell version of myself. I also don't want to hurt
his feelings. It's one thing I'm really trying to avoid but I am sure my obviously ignoring him has been hurting him quite a bit which is annoying the s**t out
of me. I know I would be hurt by it so I'm fairly certain he's hurting.
You know what? He'll probably read this when I put it on. One person who almost always reads my silly self-absorbed bullshit is him. God, he's so ******** sweet.
Honey, I care for you tons and I do love you but... Well s**t. The closest thing I can think of to say that fits is like being cut and getting a tonic of salt and lemon for it...
I love ya but.. I think it's not the kind of stay-with-you-forever kind of love. You know damn well I think you are a foxxy little kit and one of my greatest pleasures
is turning you on and the few times (I only really remember one distinctly) you got me hornier than hell. The way I feel about you is more than friends but less than
lovers. It hurts to say that because I believe it will make you hurt to hear it. -Sigh- I wish Elvis were still talking to us... I got so depressed. I freaking love Elvis. Hear that,
El. I freaking love you, man. Talk to us again... I think Chall might need a caring heart.
I think I might just keep on ignoring the little honey...
I really am not dating material people. Stop giving me your hearts. I'm too messed up. I withdrawl from my emotions and other people's emotions too much. I'm an
okay friend, but as a lover, I'm very lacking...
The way I am. I'm destined to die alone, without anyone really knowing me like a lover could and me not even really knowing myself.
I'm emotionally twisted.
Socially retarded.
Too absorbed in my self-hate.
Especially after my random fall-head-over-heels-for-someone-as(if not more)-messed-up-than-me episode with my first actual Love and then destroying
my second chance at feeling a love close to that first with my own pure stupidity. Times like that really do remind me that I'm my mother's kid.
Have a nice life. folks. I'm going to kill myself a few times in my imagination now that I've worked myself to a nice point in my pit of depression.
Maybe I'll get the guts to do some actual self-harm?
Don't worry. I seriously doubt I will.
I never do...
-Loveless- loves all and no one. - So emo-esque but true...
I'm a heartless b***h.
Do you know what I've been doing the last two or so months? Being depressed, accomplishing a new level of laziness (thus making myself more depressed),
actually eating and thus gaining weight ( more depression, yay), then eating fatty gross stuff because I'm being lazy and uber depressed and feeling sorry
for myself. Wow, I'm about as smart as mum! Recently this thought keeps spinning around in my head: I want to hurt. I want to hurt so bad that I lose
all intelligent thoughts. I want to scream until my throat is raw and bleeding. I want to bite, kick, and claw at the nearest humanoid I dislike. I want to
taste blood on my tongue. I want to feel my teeth tear flesh.
Wow, do I have some weird thoughts sometimes...
I'm not a masochist. Honestly. I really am not. I don't really like pain, I kindof hate it, but sometimes, I want it so ******** bad. Would that make me a
masochist? I hope not. I kindof think they're creapy. Don't you have to like pain to be a masochist?
Unless I'm some kind of weird masochist who wants pain but doesn't like it and who could never hurt themselves... ? I have no clue what I even just said.
Sometimes I'll sit around and just wonder, what do I live for? What do I want to do with my life? Well... So far my life is at a standstill. I'm in a pit of
depression. Here is my life so far:
1: I guess I basically graduated school but I never went to the ceremony and got my diploma. Why? Lack of community service hours that just hsve
to be completed in order to graduate in my old high school.
2: I'm jobless and living with my mother still. I'll be twenty one in November. I plan on getting wasted even though I really don't like to drink. I want to either
black out or die from alcohol poisoning. We'll see how it goes. ( Just to let you know, I'm kindof prideful [despite lack of any confidence and self esteem] and I
hate having to depend on my mother, which and whom is a bad thing and a bad person on which to be reliant upon. I want to stand on my own. I feel like I
HAVE to but I can't. It's very annoying to feel this way.) I have no source of income. With my luck and mum's intelect we'll soon be homeless. Go us! I also don't
know how to drive a car or have a license. Aren't I so col? =O
3: My depression is dragging me down. Or rather I'm finding it difficult to ignore. Winter isn't helping. I really and truly loathe the cold and it being cold out
keeps me indoors. My eldest sister has ovarian cancer and my gran S. has skin cancer. We'll see how that goes. I also have an annoying throat infection that's
proving difficult to get rid of, as long as I don't start coughing again. Ugh. All that coughing had made my throat hurt more and had caused a very uncomfortable
pain to start between my shoulders.
4: I've still made no headway on trying to deal with my emotional, social, or physical issues. I believe, in fact, that I am losing ground.
Also, some extra talk: I'm finding talking to my best friend/ kinda-boyfriend has become annoying. I've been ignoring everyone but I haven't been wanting
to talk with him for a while now. I like him, he's sweet, caring, and damn cute. His core personality is very like my own. This may or may not be part of
the reason why I've not been wanting to talk to him. I don't want to talk to a mushier, lovy-dovier, cute-as-hell version of myself. I also don't want to hurt
his feelings. It's one thing I'm really trying to avoid but I am sure my obviously ignoring him has been hurting him quite a bit which is annoying the s**t out
of me. I know I would be hurt by it so I'm fairly certain he's hurting.
You know what? He'll probably read this when I put it on. One person who almost always reads my silly self-absorbed bullshit is him. God, he's so ******** sweet.
Honey, I care for you tons and I do love you but... Well s**t. The closest thing I can think of to say that fits is like being cut and getting a tonic of salt and lemon for it...
I love ya but.. I think it's not the kind of stay-with-you-forever kind of love. You know damn well I think you are a foxxy little kit and one of my greatest pleasures
is turning you on and the few times (I only really remember one distinctly) you got me hornier than hell. The way I feel about you is more than friends but less than
lovers. It hurts to say that because I believe it will make you hurt to hear it. -Sigh- I wish Elvis were still talking to us... I got so depressed. I freaking love Elvis. Hear that,
El. I freaking love you, man. Talk to us again... I think Chall might need a caring heart.
I think I might just keep on ignoring the little honey...
I really am not dating material people. Stop giving me your hearts. I'm too messed up. I withdrawl from my emotions and other people's emotions too much. I'm an
okay friend, but as a lover, I'm very lacking...
The way I am. I'm destined to die alone, without anyone really knowing me like a lover could and me not even really knowing myself.
I'm emotionally twisted.
Socially retarded.
Too absorbed in my self-hate.
Especially after my random fall-head-over-heels-for-someone-as(if not more)-messed-up-than-me episode with my first actual Love and then destroying
my second chance at feeling a love close to that first with my own pure stupidity. Times like that really do remind me that I'm my mother's kid.
Have a nice life. folks. I'm going to kill myself a few times in my imagination now that I've worked myself to a nice point in my pit of depression.
Maybe I'll get the guts to do some actual self-harm?
Don't worry. I seriously doubt I will.
I never do...
-Loveless- loves all and no one. - So emo-esque but true...
I'm a heartless b***h.
