Next, you should know that I'm fifteen. I feel more like a jaded adult, but I really am quite young. I know that I'm naive, and I know that I say immensely stupid things, but I'm going to keep talking because ******** it, how else am I going to learn?
So I've written like a bajillion drafts for this, but they all end up sounding too serious and dramatic. Overall, my life's been fracking great. But life started for me in about, sixth grade, when I first found gaia.
1.Sixth grade was all like, "Woah I'm bored I'm going to find an online community to incorporate myself into. I definitely won't get raped or anything if I tell strangers my cellphone number and where I live." Probably the worst part about it was that I thought I was ready for a relationship. Hah. No. So I tried the whole internet dating thing with little success, and in retrospect it really was as pathetic as it sounds. I think I really did like the guys I dated, but like puppy love right? It might not have even been that. It could have been infatuation with the kind of controlled excitement you can get from internet relationships. You know what I'm talking about? Proly not.
2. Along with the whole internet dating thing, I also got into the gaia family thing. That didn't work either. I don't even remember any of the names of my "family" expect for one. The saddest part is probably how seriously I took most of the relationships I made with people on gaia. When they decided to leave the community, I took it far too personally. It was creepy for them I'm sure. But it wasn't until the eighth grade that all these relationships really disappeared. And right before ninth grade is when I started cutting my ties with gaia, but more on that later.
3. Backtracking, something important happened before seventh grade. I went emo! I was so obsessed with the clothes and the hair of this cool fashion statement, but what's worse is that I thought that being sad was some kind of requirement. But not really. It was more like a side-affect, because the internet portrayed emos as social rejects. So I started to try and isolate myself from most other people. To be honest though, it felt more like I was some kind of diamond amongst bits of coal than some kind of reject. Or that I was beautiful in my pain. But how does this tie into gaia? Well, gaia, and the internet in general basically are the reasons I went emo. But also, being emo made it easier to make all the gaia friends/family/boyfriends leaving me that much more dramatic. I secretly wanted some knight in shining armor to save me. But that part of me still hasn't changed much. I still do, in my dreams at least. It'd be highly inconvenient in real life.
4.Okay so the emo thing really only lasted for like, seventh grade. Then eighth grade hit and I kind of got over it. But that meant that I really didn't have much else to hold on to. I had friends, but I'd isolated myself from everyone else the year before. So I liked to pretend that this rift made me more three-dimensional and real. It didn't. It made me a bit crazy. I kept relying on other people to pull me out of the hole. I pretended I wasn't strong enough anymore, and that I was sinking. Lies. I know now all I had to do was stand up and walk out. I've always, since I was in kindergarten, wanted that one best friend that I could share everything with. Someone who was my right hand. But I realize now most people don't want that. I tried to force that position on a really great friend of mine and chased her away. I wanted her alone to pull me out of the hole. I put way too much on her, and for that I eternally feel guilt for. I'm so sorry. (You must be confused. I keep flip-flopping between "I needed real help" and "I was just being melodramatic", but I feel a bit like I fooled myself into thinking I needed help. I tried as hard as I could to push out as much emotion and sadness as I could and leave that on the surface. Maybe somewhere deep inside I was afraid of becoming one of those sad, spiteful old ladies filled with regret. Who knows. I really don't know how real my sadness was anymore). Most of the time I pretended to put on a smile. I know for certain that I did a bad job at hiding whatever I felt, but then I would come home, lock the door, and let it all out. I tried to control whatever unrest was inside me. I realize now that you can't control true sadness. You can't just stop feeling at will. Life isn't so convenient.
5.Do you understand the way I organized this? Me either. Cool. Anywho, all this so far is the first "semester" of my time here on gaia. There were a couple breaks in between, but none felt as dividing as the one after eighth grade.
6. The summer before ninth grade I visited my hometown. That actually helped a lot. It provided closure, as I learned that there really was no turning back to the past. All my childhood friends had grown up and were living their own lives. So then it was time for me to do the same. But that summer was still entirely too lonely. I like to call it the Summer of Isolation. It was a cleansing period. I saw none of friends from middle school for the entire summer. I broke down and cried a lot, but I think it helped, all of it.
7. And thus began ninth grade and my second semester here at gaia. My high school is very different from most schools. We're a charter school, have no money, and there are about 500 students in all. Also, we are technically a college-prep school, but whatevs. And the strangest thing happened. I became happy. I actually looked forward to school and seeing all my friends, almost every day. It was actually rare for me to be sad. It felt like the complete opposite in seventh, and especially eighth grade. Currently I'm in tenth grade and just as happy. There have been a couple days so far that I've sunk back into some bad funk, but I've pulled out of it relatively quickly. Especially recently, I've encountered some old memories. It's scary, and I don't really want to confront everything from the first semester on gaia, but I know I have to. I really just want to stuff it into a box and hid it in the closet, so when I'm rearranging I can still say I experienced teenage drama. I still haven't quite come to terms with what I did to my life and my friends, but I hope to soon.
8. Currently, I'm happier than I used to be. I've stopped searching for that one best friend. I'm content without one now. Yes, I want a boyfriend, but again, mostly just in my dreams. It's too messy in real life. I have no idea where I'd begin. I don't really know how to let someone in that deep. It scares me to think I'll get hurt. I don't want to risk this state of euphoria.
Throughout these past three and a half years, I have deserted and come running back to gaia. For some reason I just like this place. Even though I never really do anything with this account, I still feel morally obligated to create a solid bio at midnight, even though I have about four hours of homework ahead of me. That might also just be a product of procrastination though.
F U N F A C T S ?
*Did I mention that I'm really awkward? I suck at socializing. But also I don't really enjoy it a lot of the time.. But that's again, mostly because I suck at it and I hate being bad at things.
*By "I suck at socializing" I mean I can't keep up with people well. I always drift and snap back, but by then it may be too late. I don't mean it, really. But there's always something inside of me that makes me squirm around when I start getting close to people.
*I really don't want to bore you anymore with my insignificant life, but talk to me if you're interested. Or even if you're not. Mmmm. Smell that? That's desperation for you.
*I have been on gaia since May of 2008 but things happened and I ended up making a brand new account. Hence, ManGoesGood. I'M NOT A NEWBIE.
*I really really like listening to music. And watching movies and such. It's like all I do.
*I'm half Japanese and half British, but I was born and raised in America. In fact, until just a few years ago, I lived on long island. I'm currently residing in North Carolina.
*I'd really prefer it if you used correct grammar, and it's totally fine if you make lots of mistakes (like me), but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. If you feel like typing like T5iS, do it.
*I've been trying to improve myself, but all efforts seem to be futile.
*I love warm colors, but my favorite is navy blue.
*If you're wondering why I so often hint to you, the reader, to talk to me, it's not that I'm completely lonely and friendless. I have friends in real life, and good ones too. I just, like gaia or something and I want to stay here. I know that if I make friends here I'll log on more. I really like this place, for some reason.
*I always seem to waver between extremes. At least in my interests. Things I'm not interested really just stay half-assed. If that makes sense... I guess I don't try to do my best in a lot of things is what I'm trying to say. Like that bio thing you read earlier! That really sucked didn't it?
Tokyo Tower
(12/22/2009)
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*I'd say that this was written like October of 2011?
Community Member