I need someone to speak to so I can't get rid everything that has been built up inside me. Sadly there is no one that can help me. I thought I had friends now that would do anything just to see me smile at least.
I guess I was wrong again and I let these guys (my friends) break down my barriers and get closer to me. I'm trying to rebuild my barriers so no one can get close to me. My emotions are being toyed enough and it seems to me that it's worse this time. I know one of them has proven to me that I mean something to him. I think he's the only one that has gotten closer to me unlike the others.
I wish to shut myself off from everything and everyone. I can't handle my emotions now for the fact it hurts when I talk to the others. I keep thinking I mean something to them but it seems it's not true.
I was trying to be happy for once and actually start living my life for once. My reasons on why I started to stay alive or at least sane enough. Well it's actually one reason, I have 6 guy friends and 2 of them don't know much about me. I starting living for 4 of them since I was thinking clearly enough that they wouldn't be able to keep living their life if I wasn't here.
I still love them all and want nothing more than for them to be happy. Even if it means I have to stop being in their lives. I wish they could understand me more and to help me out more. But I don't think that will happen since no one understand me. Most times they yell at me or say something different. I've caused them so much pain when I enter their lives. I can never forgive myself for I've put them through. Some of them tell me other wise but it's not enough for me to forgive.
I know I can be depressing and I don't mean to, but for some odd reason they still talk with me. I want to speak with them about anything, it's just I don't think they want to hear my problems. So I fake my emotions and lie to them that I'm fine when in reality I'm never ok.
I want them to live their lives without me causing so much pain. I know they don't really listen to me but they're better off without me in their lives. I know I made 2 promises and I can't go back on my word. The 1st was between me and brother, he doesn't want me to leave him alone. So I told him I will never leave him since he needs me. My 2nd promise was with a friend, which we both promise not to be sad anymore and just be happy. He understands it will be diffcult for me cause of I go through. I just don't want him to be hurt knowing how I treat myself. I'm actually more concern over my brother since he hates it when I talk about them being better of without me and how I want to kill myself.
I really don't want to leave my brother nor do I want my friend to be depressed cause of me. I do lie to them saying I'm fine but then figure it out that I'm not doing ok. It's hard to get these guys to believe me when I lie and they know it. But other people believe that I'm fine and nothing is wrong. They get to see my fake self that I put up to protect me. Unlike these 6 guys I have as friends, they don't get to see my fake self. But I have feeling that soon enough they will if I keep falling furter and furter away.
*sigh* I just need to get my point across but I still have everything built up inside waiting for me break down and lose control over myself. It's bad enough that I keep having break downs and no one is here to get me out of it.
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~Words From The Unknown~
Just random stuff out of my mind
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