I don't know what to do anymore. Im trapped inside this abyss of pain and there's no where to turn, no one to save me from this eternal suffering. Im sick and tired of the voices telling me that Im worthless and that no one ever loved or wanted me. Personalities coming out ruining my life by ending relationships with friends that I thought were going to stay. All of this is getting out of hand and I have no where to turn.
Cutting is the my only release of this pain, to calm myself down from the voices telling and screaming at me these words of lies. I wish to be saved from my destruction and to be someone who is free from pain. But I know that is something that will never come. I want to end this unhealthy habit for good and to never go back to it again. The longest I've gone without it was a whole year till I got into an abusive relationship with this guy that almost put me in the hostipal cause he got drunk and used me as a punching bag. I was bruised for months and the memories of him abusing me still linger in my mind.
All my life I've been abused by people that I went to school and used me to get their ways. Raped by all the guys I've dated and guys that I never dated. Abused by them too. I never thought this could happen but it did and the memories of the pain, abuse and rapes will never leave my mind. I wish to bury these memories and keep going forward in life without one thought going back there. But I never did anything about the abuse or rapes just let it happen thinking I was doing something wrong and that was my punishment. Looking back at it now I never did anything wrong it was them that was wrong and I was just a inocent that became tantied and torn from the inside out. I wish to go back and erase the past and to believe that never happen but it did and I regret for even getting into those relationships. I wish I could turn back time and undo all of it.
I suffer from the memories and pain from my past, wishing to forget it and to move on. Easier said then done, I keep seeing the people that abused me everytime I walk out in public. Getting scared that they'll remember me and do it again. Thing is they have moved on from it, forgetting that is ever happen and existed. I cannot move on from it and Im trapped in it. I want to be able to move on and forget it too but feel as if I do, I'll lose myself and never became the person I want to be.
No one really knows about me or what has happen to me in my past until now in this journal entry I just put. Im tired of holding all of this in and not letting certain people know what has happen to me and why I tend to not speak my part on things. Only one person doesn't hold my past against me and that is my current boyfriend. He doesn't hurt me or abuse me, nor does he use me. He's helping me heal and get over this past of mine. He's also trying to help me get stronger and not let the voices take control nor let the personalities come to surface. He's the one who's going to save me from my destruction.
I also wish to be forgiven by all the people that I hurt in anyway by what I do to myself or by the way I've acted. I was scared and afarid of losing them and them hating me. Out of my fear I harm myself and act like a heartless b***h treating people badly. I don't mean to act or do this at all, it just happens out of insticnt. To friends I have left I don't want to lose and to my family I don't want you guys to leave me and I don't wish to love anyone of you including my friends. I don't want to be alone again and feel the darkness take me away. I can't be left alone and broken again. I don't want to keep commiting suicide to see if I can die or keep cutting my body up to lose more blood and leave scars all over my broken body. I want to stop the overdosing and cutting my body up till Im nothing. I want all of this to end and become someone who's happy and loving.
View User's Journal
~Words From The Unknown~
Just random stuff out of my mind
 |
User Comments: [1]
|
User Comments: [1]