I need to write something down once again. So don't kill me I think.
I always felt like I never belong anywhere or felt like I matter to anyone. I could never get rid of these feelings or my past. I try everyday to block out the memories of abuse and people leaving me. I can't stand the fact that I can't seem to let go of my past no matter how I try.
I know I have a very few amount of people that actually care for me and want nothing more for me to be happy or at least smile. It's just sometimes my feelings are stronger than I think. I have to keep telling myself that it's done and over with. Heh wish is was that simple, sadly I see people that I've delt with and want nothing to do with them. Every time I see someone I delt with when I was in high school or further back. I try not to breakdown right then and there so no one can see how pathetic I am. Most times it's just me trying to control my anger. If you think I'm worse now and you haven't seen me pissed off, you're for a surprise if I do get pissed.
My mind keeps wonding on what it would be like if I wasn't so closed off from everything and everyone. I also keep asking myself would it be different if I was more like a happy prep than the way I am now. But no one can change the past all you can do is think what would be different if it was possible.
I just wish to forget my past and move on. It sounds simple enough but nothing is easy when you the play the game of life. Even though I think about my past sometimes, I realize it will harder to move on than forget. I still have to deal with being yelled at for the way I am and how I handle my emotional pain. It just seems to me that I can't go anywhere like I'm stuck in this one spot. If I move back I get cut and if I move forward I get stab.
Right now I'm trying to deal with my famliy even if they don't care that much for me. I don't care for them that much either, but I still help them out and take care of them. In return I get yelled at or things said to me that either breaks me or makes me lose all control on my emotions. It's not really abuse on the way my famliy treats me, well I guess it's more like mental abuse. It's more this is how they love me but saying hatred words to see me break.
Someone told me it's my fault on everything I've done. They say the way my famliy treats isn't love but hate. With the "friends" I made in school only left me cause I created a mess in their lives. So everytime I talk with anyone or whatever those words come back to me. So I try not to let people break down my barries to get to me. I have two different people. There's my fake self where I act like I'm ok and nothing bothers me. My real self is someone that no one actually sees. I think only 3-5 people have got to seen my real self.
The reason I have two different ones is cause of what I've delt with in my life. My fake self protects me from others so I don't do anything rash I would say. My barries are hard to break down and I'm surprised that these few people did it. I'm still friends with them and I'm glad I have them. I think two of them were put in a lot of pain from the way I act or when they couldn't get in contact with me for the fact I was being put in different places. Yet they haven't left me no matter what I throw at them. And these two are the only ones that have gotten closer to me that they almost know everything about me.
I just need to wrtie something down so I wouldn't cause harm to myself. So hopefully this will help me and I don't do what I really want to do.
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~Words From The Unknown~
Just random stuff out of my mind
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