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i am over come. everything makes me want to cry and i hate that. i am over come will the feeling of failure. i wish i could hide under my bed with the carpet monster. i feel utterly alone and i am not sure why. i feel disjointed and unable to connect with anyone.
this summer is hell. i do not feel safe. i do not feel comfortable. i do not feel that i can trust anyone. i feel like the world is waiting for me to fall apart. maybe i am waiting for me to fall apart. i can not do anything right at this point. everything just feels too much. i can not even close my eyes and find a happy place.
once upon a time i believed that things would get better. that one day i would be happy. i believed in love, true love. i also believed that you really could find the end of the rainbow and that santa would bring me a reindeer so obviously not believing in love anymore is not that out of place.
i lost my train of thought. typing while crying is hard. everything gets blurry.
i do not know what to do. as usual i feel lost and panicky and now emotional. i am a liability to my work/volunteering. i am a burden to my family. what do you do when you feel like your entire life is rejecting you?
i just want to pull myself together and pretend everything is okay but i am so stupidly emotional!
i am a walking contradiction. i want attention but i do not want it. that makes not sense! nothing makes sense.
so i will just let the world move around me and try and smile and function. pretend that everything is okay and go about repressing the other bit. i really have to find some way to start coping........