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my life is full of hidden pencils. how funny is that? i have lost my sketching pencils. i can not find them. i am an utter failure. there seems to be something that reminds me of that everyday. i have not lived up to my potential. i hide from that. i dread having to explain how old i am, what i do, did, running in to people i know.

i am feeling so empty inside. also so utterly lonely. i am feeling so disconnected from everything. my not sleeping is turning into can i just sleep all the time. i just have this urge to hold on to things.

plus my walkman died and i am out of batteries.
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now....
the last tenant left with out handing in the keys. repeated attempts to get a hold of her ended in failure. so today i get a call from a collection agency. i told them that she was never at this number and no i can not find her i have tried. what a sneaky thing to do, give you landlord number to your bill collectors.

so now we have started the eviction process on the current tenants. we just have to make sure we do not mess up and not dot and i to cross a t.

plus where i work one of the teens house was sealed. the electric was cut of, the parents when to relatives, the two sisters went separate places and this kid was just with out a place. i think he was beginning to panic. i could not bring him home because we are having enough problems. beside technically that is not something you are supposed to do. the other person i work with is a pastor, the program is run through his church, he could not take him in because his wife is sick. so the kid was able to stay the night at a friends as far a we could tell. the friend was there at the program. this is such an awful problem. plus it is illegal. utilities are not to be shut off when there are children in the house. i know this particular parent does not like her son but am not sure about the sisters. how could she just take off and not worry about where he kids were? i feel so helpless at what i am doing. i see the funding run out and the end of the program. where are these kids going to go? they are not interested in the other programs. i do not think we are doing our best. i guess it is hard when the handful of us know that the end is near.

so what the am i supposed to do then? find another out reach job? find something else? i am so lost. what am i even good at. i have this set of miss matched skills.

i guess this could be why i feel so panicky. and useless. and alone.