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Have you ever found yourself wishing that your life was like what it was a couple of years ago? That you were 12 years old and not 14? As you grow older you notice things more and more, you pay attention to the little details and the people around you. And the more you notice those things, the more you wish you didn't. The more you wish you were still a naive little 8th grader who had high expectations and hopes for those around you. Someone who looked up to the straight A students who flourished in everything; art, math, science, writing, grammar, speech, and social skills. The ones who were good at everything, but didn't let it get to their heads.
As an 8th grader, I was happy. My life seemed complete, I had a lot of friends, people liked me, my entire 8th grade class seemed connected and we were all friendly to each other. People weren't afraid to step outside their bounds and talk to anyone they wanted to for fear of being mocked or made fun of.
Now, as Freshman, it isn't like that anymore. Nothing is the same, nothing feels right. The straight A students who were good at everything, the people I looked up to....are now doing drugs, going to keg parties, having sex. One girl who I looked up to the most was caught selling prescription meds to kids at school. She got straight A's probably all her life. She was extremely artistic, a very sweet girl who was very social. She was funny, charming, and incredibly brilliant. Now she's degraded herself to selling drugs and doing all sorts of stupid things. The stories I hear of people doing things I could never imagine them doing and how they seem proud of it, they always get me. These people had so much going for them, and they do things like this. Not only does it hurt them, it hurts the ones who look up to them, us people in the middle who don't know what to do. And when they fall, who are we supposed to look up to now? There is no one.
When people think of a role model, they usually think of someone who is older than them, who seems to have done it all. When I think of a role model, I think of someone my own age, someone who would understand what I'm going through, and try to find a solution for it. I think of how they would resolve it compared to someone who did it years ago. Role models....I've lost all my role models, they've all done things that are pathetic, turned into druggies, sex addicts, whiners, anti-social "Emo" punks who couldn't care less about anything.
Now that I'm older, I notice things I wish I didn't. How people act towards another, the smallest of gestures or movements, I notice them all. Sometimes it's good, and other times it isn't. I'm always watching, always analyzing, I can never stop.
I miss the days where I could sit in peace, calm and collected. The transition from middle school to high school was a tough one. I knew that I wouldn't be babied anymore by teachers, I knew things would be tougher, but I wasn't expecting this. It's only my first year in high school, and already things seem like they've gone to hell and back. I try to keep a strong mind, I was raised to be that way, to be final, distinct, positive in my decisions. Though I would never do drugs or underage drink, I feel like everything I do could have been done better, faster, more efficient.
I just seem worn down anymore. Everyone who I used to love to talk to now seems annoying, always complaining, always rubbing me the wrong way. Friends seem more like enemies, and people who I hardly know seem more accepting and forgiving than those who I've been friends with for years.
These people who I've grown up with all my life, the ones that I've cherished and loved all these years, they all seem like strangers to me, and that love is slowly dying. The connection we once had is being broken due to so few classes with just Freshman. Instead, we're piled into classes with Sophmores and Juniors who only think of themselves and never had the connection my class does.
I've seen so many of these people grow up from Kindergarten to high school, and throughout all of elementary and middle school, they didn't seem to change near as much as they did in one year, from 8th to 9th. I still remember their terrified little faces on the first day of Kindergarten, the day that brought us all together, the day that started all this.
And to think there are still 3 and a half more years of high school, I'm always thinking about what's around the bend. The only thing I can hope for is that we'll still be connected as we did for all those years, that we'll still be a family.
For those of you who think I'm being Emo or that I'm depressed, I'm not. Though I'm not happy with my life at the current moment, this is simply a reflection on all that's changed throughout the years. A memento that reminds me of a time when I wished it could be 8th grade forever, when things were simpler, when things were good.
 Heruuna · Mon Jan 05, 2009 @ 05:36am · 0 Comments |
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