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Sex, Choices, and the Angst of Somone You've Never Met |
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Well, what a weekend this was for me. Didn't get a single update in, did you notice? That's what I thought....
I don't feel entirely well, and I'm not certain what exactly is making my body behave this way.
It could be that I haven't slept very well in the past few days, and that I have the last three evenings drank until I was more than a little tipsy (note: stay the hell away from homemade wine) which lead to an unrestful sleep induced by alcohol.
It could be that I haven't eaten that well today. Breakfast consisted of gum, lunch was one of those instant pasta things (age: unknown) that had all the noodles already cooked and sealed in an airtight bag, and afternoon snack was a bowl of oatmeal with too much brown sugar.
It could be that the time I should have spent sleeping rather saw me engrossed in one of Terry Pratchett's latest novels (boy, he sure does crank 'em out, doesn't he?) and I'm still only halfway through. *shakes fist at the wonderfully cuddly Vimes*
It could be that I spent a total of five hours driving on the interstate this weekend - four of those hours being spent on the one hour drive between my home of Brookings and my mother's home of Sioux Falls.
And finally, it could be that I've realized that you don't have to lose any clothing to go too far, and I may have just stumbled blindly into the second situation in my life where this is true.
Ah, not that anyone might genuinely care, but this is the personal mouthpiece of whatever fraction of me feels the need to mince about in front of my keyboard, so blah. But really. I feel incapable of attracting total strangers. My forte, schwerve, hoo-ha, or whatever it is, seems to be oriented much more strongly on the men that I've known for some time - in some cases more than three years.
Granted. I shouldn't feel bad, because: a) we're all adults here, and not a damn one of us can't go out and buy our own porn and cigarettes and die for our country; b) tek'nik'ly (got, I hate that word) we're all of us single anyway, so it shouldn't really matter whose eyebrows climb their foreheads; and c) while I might encourage things and be a huge flirt at heart, I have not made any first moves, have initiated nothing.
And yet, there's that lingering... stuffness. That feeling in the stomach that feels as though there's a pissed-off cat that's doing nothing more than upchucking all the cat food it ate recently (presumably before it got in my stomach). If you're reading this and are extraordinarily disgusted by this image, I'll pass you over to my ex, who was the first I ever heard to articulate this feeling in ... so eloquent a manner. Vomity Cat Syndrome (VCS) and it's brought about by a big pile of things.
Having to hear so many variations on so many themes, for instance, whether they are said to me, or said to someone over the phone whilst in my presence, or even passed on down through that vine full of rotten, sour grapes.
Don't get pregnant.
What if something happens?
Be careful with him.
A few entries ago I ranted on trust, never completely believing myself to be at all trustworthy in any way, shape, or form, but still having the balls to at least ask for a little trust.
That last theme in the list of three is hitting me strongest now. Do I trust myself to not hurt this guy? I like him a whole lot, and if I wanted, there would definitely be possibilities there with him. There is a sameness to the other men that have been in my life, but there is a startling difference there as well - purely in nothing more concrete than his kiss. Quick, fleeting, gentle, and, it seemed, hesitant. He's been my friend for a long time, and I wonder - do I want to take that hesitance from him? It will surely bring him to that level of sameness with the other men. Will there still be traces of that afterwards? I hate thinking that I am responsible for changing anybody. I couldn't stand to think that I could ever have a man's d**k in a jar, have his balls in a vice, have such an influence over him that he actually changes. I hate that. Because than I would feel, at least, that I have somehow taken away this man's freedom, taken away things that make him human - his choices. Is there anything more evil in the world?
Well. It is nearly time to find those people with whom I know who I am. It's a steadying feeling, a feeling I need very much. Because I don't feel steady at all.
Billy!
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
Because it's always been a matter of trust
I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world
I can't offer you proof
But you're gonna face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust
You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out
This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it
Whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk away a fool or a king
Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until it's only a matter of time
And some might have learned to adjust
But then it never was a matter of trust
I'm sure you're aware love
We've both had our share of
Believing too long
When the whole situation was wrong
Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you've heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
But that can't happen to us
Because it's always been a matter of trust
 Adeiras · Tue Oct 12, 2004 @ 12:56am · 0 Comments |
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