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William is the formal name of my father, he is called Bill though. I am dedicating this journal entry to speaking out for myself and putting him down as I have often wanted to do but I don't have the courage to do. Why don't I put him down you might ask, well the answer is simple, I don't do that because his hold upon me is simply to strong. Usually, all my father will do to me is scream at me and merely cuss a few times to make me cry, he is usually quite content with that, but that is verbal abuse and I am SICK of it, nobody in this house treats me with the respect that I deserve, hell, I'm treated as if I'm a sack of s**t. At times I believe that I was a mistake and my parents never really wanted me, they never say that, but it's spoken aloud in their Actions. My father punishes me in strange ways, he will say things like this "You need to do your ******** chores, I'll tell you what, would you rather have me spank your ******** a** then have yourself doing the ******** dishes and listening to me. I want you to ******** deal with it, I've had to deal with that same s**t, YOU NEED TO DO YOUR ******** CHORES!!!!!!" then when I begin to cry because he's yelling only a few inches away from my face, he will say "YOU WANNA CRY, OH I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT, I'LL GET MY BELT AND SPANK YOUR a**!" then I will shake my head and quickly begin doing whatever it is that he wants me to do. That's not even the worst, he's threatened to spank me so hard that I couldn't sit down for a week before...more then once. I have had to deal with him doing this s**t to me for since I turned eleven I believe, and I'm getting sick of it. This is how he raises his children, by lowering our self esteem so he can be happy, NO MORE!

The other day when I wouldn't wash off the dishes because I didn't use them, all of them weren't washed off, my father glared at me, put his bowl down, then walked up to me with an angry look on his face. He pushed me up against the counter and had his right hand on my throat kind of gripping around my windpipe, not really crushing it, but he had a look on his face like he wanted to kill me. His entire face turned red and he looked like he wanted me dead, like he REALLY wished me to die then he screamed "WHY AREN'T YOU WASHING OFF THE ******** DISHES! THAT'S BULLSHIT, I HAD TO PUT UP WITH THIS ******** s**t LAST MONTH SO YOU SHOULD PUT UP WITH IT THIS MONTH! WASH OFF THE ******** DISHES!" then I started to cry and reminded myself of what he had threatened to many times before, to spank me for crying pretty much. He let go of my throat then continued to talk and went to eating his icecream. I did the dishes and was straining to hold in my tears, letting my hair into my face so I wouldn't get into trouble, as my father stood in the kitchen and ate his icecream glaring at me the whole time. When he was done eating, he put the bowl into the sink without washing it off and made me do it for him then left the room. I was still straining not to cry. Just imagine how terrified I was last night when he did this...I mean...all the fear I had...all the anger...mostly fear...it all came back and I remembered that my father is like a bomb, he can explode any second and you don't know what's going to happen.

It takes a lot to make me cry, so me wanting to cry because of a man that's been my best friend through his and my mothers almost divorce was pretty bad...I mean...my mother's pretty much really far away from me, so I never want to be friends with her again, though I still want her approval, but MY FATHER did this to me. My mother didn't see. When I finished with the dishes, I went upstairs to my room as quickly as I possibly could and turned my music up and on then began to cry, wishing that I could run away, wanting to leave at that very second and go to Ambers house where I knew I would be safe. I was so sad and scared that every time I would hear my father speak or hear somebody pass by my room, I would gasp and flinch then close my eyes tight. Now you tell me, is this a healthy fear of your parents? What is your opinion on my father, what should I do? I just want him to be the way he was before, my friend again. I'll write about what he does in the future in my journal again...but I hope that he doesn't do anything else...I sure do hope...