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...it's my dad again, guys, so don't bother reading past here unless you want to hear me complain again...kay?

I know it's bad that I keep complaining, but I don't want to burden anybody and I know that nobody reads my journal unless I tell them to, which I'm not going to do, so here I am writing. Blah. Anyways, moving on.

I had a terrible wake up call this morning...it really sucked. My dad hates me...it's official, but I'm known this for a while so I don't know why it bothers me so much...and blahegers. Umm...so yeah...he went into my room today and like opened my door, I thought he was just letting in the doggies...but no...it was to scream at me.

He like.....I don't know...but he started to yell at me "Wake up! Get up! you let the ******** dogs out when the light wasn't on and they ******** peed on the pads! Wake up! You were too goddamn lazy to ******** get out of bed and let them out so get up!" I did tell him a few times I'm sorry I thought the light was on I thought the light was on, but whatever.

This little wake up call of my father shouting at me has left me to question my own worth. Yes, i know that this is a supid thing to do seeing as how I get yelled at like...on a daily basis like this, but I still am questioning my own worth. I actually cried this morning after he left because I was delving into the depression that's been threatening to take me over for such a long time now...I miss my mother. Anyways, so I feel worthless now because I can't do anything right. I don't know, growing up with parents who don't see the good, only the bad, would probably do that to you, eh? I mean, like...once or twice I've gotten a "good job" or an "i'm proud of you" from my mom, but really never my dad...not when he means it anyways. I'm not good enough for him and, I don't know why, but I feel that I should be...and blah. Maybe, subconsciously, I act up and fail school to get his attention, I don't know. Anyways, moving on past that, I'm starting to fall into the darkness that's enveloping me, ever so slowly.

I can usually stay out of it, but this time it's gotten to be a bit too much. yeah yeah, sure, it was okay when he threw the laptop at me and it was okay when he cussed me out a few days ago for picking his lock, yeah it was perfectly fine...but when you wake up...and the first thing you hear makes you feel useless...it's pretty hard to forget. The first words I heard this morning were that I'm too ******** lazy...that's all he ever says about me..."You're too ******** lazy..." and it hurts, ya' know? I don't know...maybe that's his way of trying to motivate me to get a job and bring up my grades and stuff...but it's not working. I don't think that he realizes just what an impact those words have on me...those four words hurt me so badly each time...and they shouldn't. I mean, I"ve heard them so much that you would assume that they would have no effect on me, and yet here I am ranting on and on about how they do...it's freaking stupid!

You know what...sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to be here. I wonder if he really wanted me...like...if he lies to me when he says that him and mom wanted me. Maybe only mom wanted me and he didn't...maybe he hates me because, secretly, I was never supposed to be born. Perhaps I accidentally came to be and he doesn't like me because of that...he could maybe want to kill me? I don't know, he's given me that look sometimes...like when his hands were around my throat...he had that look then...and when he punched the door instead of me...he had that look also...and it never really goes away.

I realize that when I'm going through isn't that bad and I know that I haven't been hit or choked really and it's just verbal stuff...but I mean...come on...blah, I don't know. It seems my friends go through worse all the time, so I shouldn't even really bother with complaining...but I do because it keeps me from hurting myself or worse...dieing. I don't know...I don't want to sink any deeper into my depression, but if I try to talk to my dad about it he says "I'm sorry your highness." or "You have an attitude all the ******** time!" even though he's the one that brings it on. Freaking A, I'm not keeping how I eel from him anymore, if he cusses me out, I'ma cuss him out...give him a taste of his own medicine right? Feh, I don't know. Sorry...I'm done now.