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*sighs* I feel really sad right now... and I really feel like a terrible person... Because someone is confused... and now it's making me confused... and I'm starting to think... that maybe it's really all my fault... I know that I know what love is. I'm not one to grow tired of something or discard it... hell, i've loved Envy for about four years... When I love something... I end up becoming rather obsessed with it... And when I say I love something... I really mean it... I don't want it to end. I'll do whatever I can to help it. But... is it really my fault? I feel as if it is... It makes me feel so rotten inside... it makes me hate myself and wish for it to end... because I'm such a bad person, or I'm not good enough... why would someone love me? I'm beginning to really hate myself for things lately... I'm so stupid at times... I can't help but wonder about things at times... when he says something, he must mean it, right? But then... there's a time... when it seems as if he doesn't... And now... when those questions are asked... it's when I really question what is there... and what is felt... or what isn't... and what is lied about... Perhaps everyone's all confused... but I know what I feel is love. I know I'm not confused about THAT feeling. I never am. I'll forgive, I'll forget, I'll heal, I'll get over it.. I'll do anything to look at the good... and to keep it alive... because I really cherish it... I enjoy these feelings... XD and if you don't understand this journal entry... I don't expect just anyone to... I hardly use nouns... and it helps when I get something out... I'm not usually one to keep secrets... or hide anything... I just want... to be happy... and for them to be happy... I know I'm a very selfish person... and I'm such an idiot... I can't seem to do anything right... and there's things that I might want to do that I can't bring myself TO DO... I'm sorry to those I wronged... and for misunderstandings... I just want... what I really want... is for happiness... I like loving something. And perhaps... I want something real, too... Doing THAT is one thing... but THIS... is totally different... and nervousness often gets in the way... I don't know if I'm really... fit to say that I love anyone... I'm such a rotten person... I screw everything up... so maybe... happiness isn't something that I deserve... I really don't want to blame others anymore... and although I like it... although I want to keep trying... to preserve it... there are times when I just want to cry and give up... I love him... and it makes me feel great... to actually be loved... but perhaps I truly don't deserve it... and I don't want to hurt anyone... aw man... here I am, getting all emo and crap... eyes watering... hell, I can't believe myself at times... everything I do... contradicts... itself... or other things... Although... I can be... VERY expressive... I'm absolutely horrible... at conveying these kind of feelings... I'm just tired... of everything... myself, my life, my personality, my thoughts... I used to freakin LOVE myself... but perhaps dating him... has made me realize... that I'm really ... horrible... That I didn't care about things before... and he gives me something to care about... I also hate... how I'm SUCH a DAMN coward... how I can't do anything right, or I'm too afraid to do it!! It's odd for me... for ME, of ALL people to actually feel nervous... I can't believe myself at times!! It gets it the way so much... and I just end up getting frustrated with myself!! When things like THAT happen... I end up really sad... I don't like it... I don't like how IT is threatened... if it all just broke... if it dissapeared... I don't know what I'd do... It's making me really happy... and when some things are done... I feel even happier... but i just DON'T understand... I know I'm probably doing something wrong... I'm such a lazy self-centered b***h... perhaps even by loving HIM, I'm thinking about myself? my OWN happiness? I also think of his... but if he wants it... I shouldn't stop him... If he's happy with that... then I should let him... although I don't want IT to happen.... This all makes me feel... incredibly lonely... and sad... If he does do it... I wonder if I'll be myself again... or how our relationship will be THEN... I hate thinking about it... and feeling like this... makes me cry... I value these feelings way too much... I don't want to let them go... but... i DO ruin everything... and if it'd make him happy... he should do it. I also don't have a say in his actions... or his feelings. What's there is there... and if he were to do it... I don't have the right now stop him. God, eating right now makes me feel so sick... hell, im not even in the mood for CHOCOLATE CAKE... which normally, i love to DEATH... *sighs heavilly* I feel so damn alone right now... I don't want... what is here... and what I feel... and what is felt... to be lost... hm... I've had dreams of this... I wonder if I'm psychic or have some kind of clairvoyant abilities... If i do... I wish I don't... just because what I dream... is something I hate... most of the time... oh, i wish i didn't feel like crap... heh... it's been awhile since I cried like this...it's really hard for me to believe... my fav story so far: i didn't know she would explode, but alas, we where playing frisbee by the cliffs, when she got attacked by a wild rabid raccoon! the fright was too much, she fell back off the cliffs and landed safely in a boat carrying pillows to scottland. but the racoon made a 2nd attempt on her life, and she exploded, there was pillow stuffing everywhere! oddly enough the racoon survived .... Man, that story cheered my up a little today... x333 i like it... but it's sad. It's about "everyone explodes sometime" ... I'll stop right now before this gets too long... I have to go to bed anyway... I hope my dreams... don't turn into nightmares... I really want something nice... O YEAH ZOMIGOD THERE IS A HALF DAY TOMORROW AND IF THERE IS SCHOOL I GET TO SEE DEVON THAT IS SOOOO FREAKIN AWESOME I CAN'T WAIT IT WILL SUCK IF I CAN'T SEE HIM CUS I LOVE HIM OH SO FREAKIN MUCH THAT IT WILL PROBABLY BE THE DEATH OF ME JUST WATCH AS MY HEART STOPS 10 SECONDS FROM NOW *waits* OH IT HASN'T STOPPED YET, NOW I REALLY BELIEVE IN MIRACLES AINT THAT CEWL!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH WOOTEH! CROWN ME TEH BAKA KING... OR QUEEN WOT WOT!! EITHER ONE IS FINE SO LONG AS I LOVE DEVON~!! <333 THIS ENTRY REALLY ISN'T SO LONG TIS SUCH A SHAME ZOMIGOSH, ILL TURN EMO AND CUT MYSELF... NO I WILL NOT THAT'S JUST STUPID IM WANT TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT!! MAKE ME FREAKIN' HAPPY!! TYPING IN CAPS, OH TEH JOY, ISH MUCHO FUN! I HOPE EVERYTHING TURNS OUT OK IN THE END... LIFE CAN BE SO DAMN TROUBLING SOMETIMES OH HELL I HAVE CRAMPS RIGHT NOW!!! TEH PAINS I CAN'T STANDS... OH DEAR FREAKIN GOD GIVE ME SOME MORE OF THAT DAMN SWEET BEER!! *drinks and gets drunk... stupid depression* YEAH YEAH YEAH THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SOOOO MUCH BETTERS HEHE... I REALLY SHOULD BE GOING TO BED... BUT THE NIGHT ISH OH SO YOUNG!! I THINK I'LL RAPE ITS INNOCENCE... YEAH, I REALLY FEEL LIKE DOING THAT... OH WELL, SAD THIS THING ISN'T AS LONG AS THE PREVIOUS ONE... TIS A DAMN FREAKIN SHAME!! PERHAPS THE END OF THE WORLD WILL OCCUR... MEH, MAYBE NOT!! HOPEFULLY NOT.. DUNNO I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS RIGHT NOW I FEEL REALLY BIPOLAR!!! HEHE... PERHAPS TRIPOLAR.... YEAH, WHAT IS THE THIRD POLE?!?! WHO KNOWS... GOD ONLY KNOWS... WELL NAYWAY, I'LL BE IN SHITLOADS OF TROUBLE IF I DONT GET THE FECK OFF RIGHT NOW AND GET SOME GOOD SHUT EYE... YOU KNOW YOUR BODY NEEDS THAT STUFF TO GROW AND BE HEALTHY!!! WELL... EVEN IF I GET A LOT OF IT... I'M NOT GROWING ANY FASTER DAMMIT!!! *screams*IT'S NO FECKING FAIR!! LIFE ISH NO FAIRS!! OHHH PRETTY NEW GAIA ITEMS!! OH WELL, IM SAVING UP MEH MONEY TO SPEND ON WATCHING STRIPPERS HAHA JK OR AM I NO I AM REALLY KIDDING HEHE...ZOMIGOD I LOVE DEVON I FEEL REALLY REALLY SICK AND HIGH RIGHT NOW... DAMN INCENSE SMELLS SO DAMN GEWD IM GOING FREAKIN CRAZY... WELL, GOODNIGHT EVERYONE... HOPEFULLY I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP AFTER THIS ...YEAH WHY AM I A FEMALE ANYWAY!!! GAY GUY IN A FEMALE'S BODY ******** TEH WIN!! WOOT WOOT AW DAMN MY TEETH HURT... I JUST BIT THEM... OH HELL, NOW MY LIP... WTF ISH WRONG WITH ME... I'M SUCH A BLOODTHIRSTY WHOTE AT TIMES... I LOVE CAPS, WHO IN TEH HELL HATES CAPS CAPS ARE SO DAMN FUNS!! HAHA, IM SPEAKING MY OWN LANGUAGE NOW KINDA SORTA I DONT SPEAK GEWD ENGLISHES... OH WELLS!! SUCH IS LIFE!! SOMETIMES I LOVE IT AND SOMETIMES IM LIKE "O WELL ******** IT" BUT I STILL TRY ANYWAY!! HEE HEE <333 WELL, OFF TO DREAM AND SLEEP WITH TEH DOLLIES!! NOW NOW NOW!! ... ciao~
 ExplosiveFunGirl · Fri Mar 16, 2007 @ 12:27am · 0 Comments |
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