I don't feel safe while I sleep.
Sure, my door is locked. I don't feel like any creeper is going to break through and harm me.
My roommate is fine as well. She's nice, we get along, and neither of us feels any ill will toward the other. I'm not fearful of her.
I'm not afraid of things in my waking life. I fear my dreams.
It all started the day I moved in to my dorm. I was walking down the sidewalk and saw a dead praying mantis. It didn't have its head cut off like after mating. It didn't really look mutilated. It was brown-ish, dead, on its back. Flat? I can't remember.
That night, I had the first vivid dream of many.
A creature possessed me. Got into my head. It was a bug-like-thing. It was called a dragon. There were very few in the world, but their nature was very well-known. They would go to people and cause hallucinations, incite fear, and send the most negative energy and emotions. While possessed by this insect, I saw flying saucers, creatures of another world coming by the thousands, threatening, invading. I heard this voice in my head telling me how worthless I was. I never feared anything more in my life.
But somehow, a friend, a young man, helped me to destroy it. It was one of only five dragons that had been recorded that someone was able to kill. These creatures did not die easily.
The next day, I ended up walking past that spot on the sidewalk multiple times. The praying mantis, however, was gone. I couldn't go by that spot without looking down and holding back a shudder.
That night, there were more negative emotions. Two of my best friends who, in waking life, don't associate much anymore, fought. The more emotionally-strained one started the fight, the one who had changed more seemed innocent enough, it was during a party I didn't want to have... I ended up kicking both of them out. I can't remember much, but there was the friend's boyfriend, and then another event, trying to bring back the peace, all while keeping a secret for the emotionally-strained one. And then there was my most recent romantic interest/good friend from high school. Somewhere. I can't remember where.
I think the next night I was able to have a break. But Thursday night I had another vivid dream. I just can't remember what it was. I think it involved the same recent romantic interest/good friend from high school.
Friday evening, I had an epiphany. Kind of. I've been sort of questioning my sexuality, not willing to admit that I'm 100% heterosexual. I've always settled on pansexual, claiming that I do prefer men, but I would be okay if I suddenly fell in love with a woman.
But as I was walking my dog, passing by the house of my neighbor, I suddenly realized out of nowhere that I was utterly straight. At least in that moment. I craved nothing but an attractive slightly-older-than-me man. And that thought scared me. Well, more of the age thing. Which is why I think that night's dream came about.
Friday night. Last night. More about the secret, but even worse.
I was having a sort of affair with the emotionally-strained friend's father. Kind of. But it wasn't her father. But it was? I don't know. But he wanted to pursue a relationship or something. I had mixed feelings about it. I was constantly afraid. But here was someone who was attracted to me, finally! And I was craving (even in real life) for a manly man to sweep me off my feet. So I had an older man, a manly man, there. But I was scared for my life. It was forbidden. My parents wouldn't allow it, and I thought to myself, "It would be a relief for them to find out and put a stop to it." I knew that no good could come from him.
I realize now that I didn't have a voice. I didn't have a "No."
When I think of last night's dream, I just feel EXTREMELY unsafe. I long for my high school friend. He's familiarity. Even if he and I couldn't and can't be together, he's someone I feel safe with. But now he's in New York for college, and I'm just home this weekend, 30 minutes away during the week, and I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified.
I don't know what to do. I would LOVE to burn some sage in my dorm, but I'm not allowed to. Holy water isn't really an option either, because I'm not Catholic/Christian or any denomination of it.
There were also other fear-inducing symbols in each of these dreams, but I don't want to mention them.
I miss being surrounded by a lot of friends.
I hate keeping secrets.
I hate being terrified.
I realize now that I DO have a right to say no and to mean it. I can be okay.
I hope.
If not, then at least it's inspiration for writing. Writers are often twisted somehow. I'm no different.
Well, I have a cold from the new environment (partly why I'm home this weekend) so I'm just going to go lie on the couch with some juice and watch TV. Nothing good is on today at the moment, but I can find a book or something.
This is Horse lady, now an official college student, signing out.
Katie Sea Community Member 
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