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So lately I've been waking up at noon or one and then conducting my business of doing ******** until 3 or 4 am. Or in this cae, 5am. I seem to be adding on hours to the "before I got to bed" part every day, now.

Blah, I figured I should write a journal because I should be DOing something. But now that I'm here, I can't think of much to say, because I haven't done much more than sit in a chair and vegitate for the last few weeks.

My parents got on my case about it since, you know, I'm supposed to be working on scholarships and such. And we used to have serious conversation about why I was ******** up and why I was in the ******** it all attitude and if I really wanted to go to school or not.

But now the conversations aren't happening, and I'm left with the every other day routine of "What are you working on?"
"Nothing."
"You need to be working on something; find something to work on."

My dad called up yesterday from wheever the ******** he's at right now(I think Texas) and explained ot me in full detail why I needed to stop not doing anything, and that I needed to "motivate myself". Aha. Yes.

Well, let me tell you that I've been trying to "motivate myself" since Highschool, and all it got me was a very nice couple of scars.

See, this is where I think the trouble started.

In middle school, I had this rival, Abe Hegewald. He was like, the best actor ever. I decided one day that I was going to act, and I would beat his a** at acting because I was better than him. It started out with the school play. Both Abe and I were one of FOUR people who actually acted, and did not read from a book on stage. And of course, we didn't get lead roles. Abe agreed that my audition beat the ******** out of EVERY audition(except maybe his) as I had done the best ******** monologue from Liar Liar EVER(the "pen" scene.. I use it to audition for EVERYTHING).

He actually got a good role, but me? I got to be an extra. But I was one of the shitty extras that didn't even get a number. Abe, recognizing my talent, I suppose, ecided to confide in me and complain about how he was upset he didn't get the main role. I was sitting there(being a quiet bookworm at the time) thinking about why the hell should HE be complaining when he ACTUALLY HAD A LINE.
Prejudice aside ont he caster's part aside, I quit a few months later.

That very year, auditions for high school named Pebblebrook were coming up. Pebblebrook is a very renouned school for it's singing and acting and how everyone that goes there for drama gets famous or something. So it was a HUGE deal.

I auditioned for singing.
The good news? I qualified. I was getting in.
The bad news? I had a lot of tardies. I could only get in if I was never late to school for the rest of the year and the entire 8th grade year that followed.

Which was god damn ******** hard for me.

BUT I DID IT. I got myself up early every day because I was DETERMINED to not only beat Abe, but also become a singer because I could ******** sing like a damned angel, regardless if my regular speaking voice was crap.

I got sick with the flu. It wasn't "Oh I feel sick can I stay home" it was over 100 degrees fareinheit required by law to stay home flu.

I was out for ONE WEEK. Just one! I recovered from flu fast, because I was determined to go to Pebblebrook.

I never got into Pebblebrook.

After losing contact with the warden and finally getting a hold of him through no less means that practically threatening the guy, he said I had too many absences, and our deal was null and void.

From that day onward, my motivation just went ka-plunk.

It started by just simple deteroriation. Now it's just GONE.

I don't even eat any more. Yes, everyone. I lost the motivation to eat.
I'm too lazy to eat. Is that sad? Yes, yes it is.
Should I motivate myself to get up and put a hot pocket in the microwave for two minutes/ WHy yes, yes I should.

But I won't. Because I'm not motivated.

I stay in bed for four hours after I wake up because I "don't feel like getting up". I "don't feel like" exerting energy to stand up, put some pants on, and go downstairs to sit down on a couch and do the same goddamned thing I was doing in the bed... Except with pants on and sitting up with some TV noise in the background.

Which is absolutely nothing.

Should I be ashamed of myself?
Why, yes, yes I should.
Am I?
Only a little.
Am I going to do anything about it?
No, probably not.

I don't know why, but I'm perfectable fine with sitting around and doing nothing all the time. Maybe it's just because I'm weird. Maybe it's because I have no social life and my cerberal cortex is just breaking down. Or maybe it's because i have nothing better to do than type my feeling out into a cyber blackhole where only one person will read it and probably not give a damn.

The fact is, I bring "Lazy" to a whole new level, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprized if I just didn't feel like breathing one day, and my brain didn't feel like giving me the primal ambition to preserve my life.

Yes, I have tons of s**t to look forward to. Yes, I have tons of s**t to be thankful for. But do I? Am I?

No, I'm not. Because I am your typical, american, lazy a** b*****d whose parents have given up since the kid just doesn't care, and frankly I don't give a damn.

Should I blame Depression? Maybe. Maybe I should. But that would just be placing the blame on a scapegoat, wouldn't it? Why should I bother blaming some convient neurological dysfunction for my own concious and completely capable brain?

I shouldn't, so I'm not.

So yes, everyone. I'm a lazy a**. I may not be proud of it, but I certainly am not saying "My mentral problem made me do it."