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put my cold fee ton the floor.. Oh wait a second. D:

Clicky.

So, since I haven't written anything in a while, time for some touchup.

Never went to the doctor. But, discussed it with my mom. Weird rash = Random weird acne I don't want ot bother looking into.
Wrist/hands = carpal tunnel.

Carpal tunnel seemed the most likely scenario, I just didn't want to admit it. D:
I saw a neurologist before about shaking of hands, and he sai d"That's the starting of carpal tunnel, you should wear some wrist braces'> This was the christmas before last. I was like. ******** no, b***h! I ain't got no carpal tunnel!

Cut to me wearing wrist braces. Fun. D:

Actually, it's not too bad. I kind of like them. They make an interesting fashion statement. The only real problem I have with them is that there's this one part that bends inward and totally DIGS INTO MY HAND. Side of the heel of my palm, really. It gets on my nerves. I have bruises, now. We're figuring out how to bend it the other way or cushion it or something so it doesn't sig so much.

Other than that, the braces are either not helping, or my wrists(my right one, anyway) went on the highway to worse. It now pains whenever I do anything, in the middle of the day, even, just from waving hi. Now, I'm pretty much used to pain - I'm one of the few people who've been in so much pain I had wished to die just to end it(bladder infection that moved up to kidney. Doctors were so baffled by the paralysis and pain I was in they thought it was apendicitis at first), and since then, I've been pretty immune to "OH GOD IT HURTS!" spasms, but pain still does annoy me.

So I get rid of it when I can. It's like really bad rap music. It's there, you can ignore it, but it would make your life SO MUCH BETTER if it was destroyed. And thusly, I've been wearing my braces most if not all the day, now. D:

MOVING ONWARD.

Something I'd not like to talk about but comment on for when I go back and read this later(Yeah, I'm one of those "read your journal 5 years later people and cry about it. So sue me), I did the most god awful thing yesterday.
I felt show ashamed of myself. I am never doing it again. SO many people would think so much less of me if I said anything, and god forbid I ever even THINK about anything like it again, much less DO it.
I don't know what got into me, or why the thought even came UP, or how I got the willpower to actually go THROUGH with it. But I hate myself, and feel very, very, dirty. I can't look at her anymore without feeling like I scarred her. Maybe she knows what happened. Maybe she doesn't. Either way, I'm pretty guilty about now from everything, and I wish there was some way I could repent. Gah, I hate myself.

I'm asexual.. And even if by some weird way I am not, I will force myself to BE, because that was just sick, and I don't want to subject anyone to that EVER AGAIN.
And if you are reading this, and think you have any idea of what I'm talking about, SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH UP. ANd if you don't, I'll just delete your comment(s), so don't bother with them(for this part of the journal, anyway).

The day before yesterday night I had an awkward dream about oil. Oil was running low. So low that gallons of gas were already at 75 USD and rising incredibly fast, over 1k, because we literally had nothign left. And then for some reason, everyone's water got turned off everywhere. And then after that, I had a dream about it IN THE DREAM, and when I woke up, I was in a car. I asked where we were, my mom said florida, and then we stopped. ANd everyone was climbing like, this huge plateu-looking mountain thing that belonged in Arizona, not florida. And then I woke up(for real). That made no sense, but I know is means SOMEthing, because all my dreams do. I'm just not sure what.

The only connection I've made so far is that on the news after that dream they were talking about the oil loss.. But that was insignifigant compared to what was going on in the dream.

Then, last night, I had another dream, which sort of carried over in my mood all day.
I, for some reason, had starting eating smarties whenever I got annoyed(I hate smarties) to calm me down. And me and my parents were talking about travelling to, like, all the states in the USA, but they wanted to do it in some specific order that was really important sounding.

My dad mentioned that we had to go to pennsilvania first, because that was important. And I kept asking why, and what we were going to do there, and why I had to go. My mom and dad just stared at me and refused to answer.
I went to pennsilvania, thinking it was no big deal, but before I know it, I'm in a quiet room with some shrink, my roll of smarties on the table, and her clipboard of notes.
But it wasn't like any ordinary clipboard of notes, it was like a scoreboard of sometype. It had grids and some labels, some black numbers, and then this string of red numbers going down th emiddle. 2, 3, 5, 7, I think. I just assumed it was the number of smarties I was eating.

The the session nears its close, and we get up to leave the room and she writes something in that red pen of hers near the bottom- something like "Treatment" or "Institiution" - I couldn't really make the word out since i was simply glancing at it while she was walking.

I said to stop, that I had a question about my dad. She said she couldn't answer because of confidentiality agreement or something. I said no, just let me ask the question first, it won't violate anything. ANd she says fine, and I ask her why my dad made me come here(to pennsilvania).

She looks at my dad, who looks at her, and my mom stares straight at me. After a moment's hesitation she says something along the lines of "Because he thought you needed help" and at that point I realised the numbers weren't really the smarties, it was something else(rather important in the dream, but it didn't really reveal what it was, although the dream me knew. I'm going to guess suicide attempts, although that's nowhere near what I've attempted[I've only done, like, 3]).

I turn around, and I grab my dad's neck screaming "How oculd you do this to me?! How could you ruin my life like this?!" and push him down the stairs, and he lands on the median step thing, and he's looking up at me, like he's ashamed but determined, and I scream some more about how he could do this to me, and the scene cuts to us outside, at a garage sale, in pennsilvania.

And these weird scorpion-crab things keep showing up(Common monster in some of my dreams, it seems like, but I can't figure out where they came from, I haven't seen a movie with them in it or anything), kind of like spiders.
I'm afraid of them when they're near me, but everyone else just seems to be fine with them(like how a lot of people act with bees). But they keep showing up around me, and keep multiplying, so I get in the car, in the backseat, hoping to get away from them, but they're under the seat, ontop of the front seats... everywhere.

One of thm stings me with their scorpion tail thing, and I'm yelling at my dad, and he takes them all and throws them out the window, as if they're nothing more than a spider. There was one where he bit a piece of the thing OFF, and THEN threw it out the car window.

I think I was all "I've been stung, I need to go to a hospital" and he was ignoring me, going to some other state he wanted to go to.

That was just plain ******** up s**t, there.