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The Most terrable day at school(and my first Passover dinner
i'm a little late on posting...sorry...
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kay, so about this whole week i've been down in the dumpster.. i feel like my best friend/pretend sister is getting EVERYTHING that i want! i mean... the..guy.. i mentioned in my last post is hanging all around HER now.. and i feel like i've been tourn to shreads!! crying
I remember clearly.. the day last year.. me and him where saying goodbye to each other on the phone.. and he said
"Kelly, u kno, if it wasn't for me not having emotions.. i would probobly like u.. mabie even passionatly.."
those words used to make me happy.. but then, this school year, after (i feel) we have been through a lot of stuff, he told me it would never happen.. i should just give up on him.. that just hit a bullet right through me! i remember that for about half a month i was in a shell... i rarely talked to people.. i felt lost and worthless... over a dozen times worse than i have felt my whole life!
i remember... that one day, when we got report cards... i was at Beka's locker and he came up... he joked with Beka and walked off... i was invisible to him... he didn't even look at me! not one ******** glance! my hair covered my face, and like always, Beka knew something was wrong, so she asked.. i replide
"He didn't even say hi....."
i practacly ran to my homeroom through the crowd, hiding my face.. i felt humilliated and bare... like runing naked through a crowd of strangers.. i sat in my desk and cried one or two tears.. i knew the break-down was about to come.. i got up and got my report card, and went to my friend, Vanna.. she was sitting down laughing with other kids.. i put my head on her shoulder, it took her a while to relize i was crying.. she stood up, and incercled me in her arms and i started to bawl.. litterally.. i kept gasping for breath.. when they called for busses i was better and she and other people got me smiling and laughing again..
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now back to the present past.... it was wensday..April the 22 i think.. for the past few days He hasn't seemed to pay that much attention to me... it's all been going to my best friend/pretend sister Savanna.. and i hate it.. i feel rage twords her everyday now! she's practacly FLIRTING with him in my eyes! AND SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND THAT SHE'S ALREADY HAD SEX WITH!!! no one else knows this but me and mabie one or 2 other people.. and i trust my friends i go to school with not to tell...
but i was standing there listening to my MP3 with her and He is standing in front of us.. she starts stroking his hair/cheek every other second.. she said it was because she wanted to make her X-boy friend that she hated jelous.. and she "Clamed" she did it every time he looked... i took glances between them and remebered something she told me a while bak in that school year... she said that he had asked her out, but she said no, because she knew i liked him and didn't want to hurt my feelings.. and also she said that she didn't like him that way...
but that day... Wensday the 22 of April.. i could have sworn, with me standing right beside them, i saw them giving little sparkly glances to each other... i dropped it and we went over to the side walk were Beka and my other friend Martini and Kelly were.. we sat and stood around listening to music and talking, and Savanna ended up wearing His jacket.. we were sitting on the edge of the sidewalk me in the middle of Beka and Savannah... i started listening to the song "Thunder" by BoysLikeGirls..
"Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried
I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder
Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone
I don't know (I don't know, I don't know, I don't know)
And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain
Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder, and I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder"
I broke down crying.. gagging on tears.. i NEVER broke down like this in front of my friends.. at least, not like THIS.. i was choking on my breath and i couldn't stop crying.. i tried hard but got no where, so i just cried.. Beka and Savanna held me while i cried.. i was wanting to scream, run out in front of a car.. do something to stop the pain.. but i choked even worse when i tried to speak.. Beka started whipering something, though i couldn't hear the exact words through the music..
After that, Beka invited me to chirch and i went.. it ended up being a passover diner... it was fun.. i had Lamb Soup( i didn't know what it was till after my stomic had started digesing it.. it tasted just like Won-ton soup..^^), and other things... at the end we walked around with her friend Alexis(?). she had kinda the same thing going on that i did.. cause their friend Cynthia (Cy-ko) went out with a boy that Alexis liked, and he knew he liked her too and so did Cy-ko.. >.< and Beka said that recently, she was stuck at there house, and she had to sit there and WATCH the two ( Cy-ko and her BF) make out!!!!! right in FRONT of her!!!
we all had a good talk though...and i felt better...
but right when i got to school and saw him, i felt terrable again... *sighs* thursday night i scratched/kut myself.. and duing lunch today, i took a sharpy and wrote "K+P" on my ankle and started trying to kut through it with a button pin.. My science teacher walked up and asked to look at my ankle.. i showed her and she took my Pin away, and told me not to do that to myself, cause she didn't want to call my dad about it... >.< i dont kno how in the HELL she knew what i was doing!!!
but here i am now, writing about my stupid luv story... sometimes i think i could write a book.... and if u read all of this, thank u for ur time and care.. ^^ i really appreaciate it..
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