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Alright...this is a serious matter you guys...I'm upset right now, and if anybody cares they'd help me.

I sit in my chair on the computer every day hoping that he'll get online...but he never gets online. I hope and wait and make it through the day just thinking about him...thinking about whether or not we'll be able to talk today...then I turn on the computer and am dissapointed, every DAMN day I get online to him bieng gone...it stabs my heart that much deeper, the pin goes in that much more and he doesn't help at all. I wanted to tell him so badly...I wanted to let him know "HEY! I'M DISSAPOINTED IN YOU! YOU NEED TO HELP ME OUT HERE, STOP MY FLOWING TEARS! Do you ******** care...it really seems as if you don't...I NEED YOU WITH ME! I NEED YOU ON HERE! YOU ARE MY HOPE, MY STRENGTH, MY EVERYTHING THAT KEEPS ME GOING EVERY DAY! You keep my heart beating and my breaths going...but now it's over." I wanted so badly to let him know of my feelings, to let him know how I felt .:sighs:. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Every time I find that ONE guy...I'm dissapointed to find out that he doesn't care as much about me as I thought. All throughout my life, those that I thought cared about me have left me hanging, I'd help them as best as I could and when it came my turn, I would reach out...I did it in aggressive ways...true it's not the best thing to do, but how else could I do it? When I reached out in my own way...NOBODY realised that I needed help...NOBODY seemed to care, NOT ONE PERSON pulled me aside and said "LINDSEY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE! WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET!?" I've always wanted that one person who would hold me in their arms without any care of what others say, I've wanted that person who would comfort me and stroke my hair in a calmly way, hum to me and rock me side to side, let me know that everything is going to be alright...but I can't find him. He's run away, he's hiding. I don't know what to think anymore! Nobody seems to care, few really do and there's only one who I am CERTAIN really does, you know who you are, thank you. Everybody's abandoning me...and I'm alone...and it hurts me so much because I've reached out, I've tried to ask for help, I HAVE...and I get punished for it by losing my friends...I'm not worth any tears...that's how I feel right now. I feel worthless because nobody has ever noticed when I needed their help...but I took the time in my day to notice when they needed mine. I took the time out of my day to go to them and say "HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON! WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET!?" but they didn't pay me back with the same kindness.

I try to be selfless...I really do...and I sometimes do a really good job of it. HELL, I HIDE MY TRUE EMOTIONS TO HELP MY FRIENDS! I've given up now, when I'm sad I'm going to show it, when I'm glad they'll all know, I can't go on living my life pretending that I'm always happy...I can't go on letting other people think I'm so strong that I never cry, I DO CRY! I cry more then most people know...but I try not to so I can be strong, I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!! I JUST CAN'T! It hurts so much...it burns...my heart beats like it wants to stop but I won't let it, I can't let it, I need to help other people I think...I can't...all of my advice is just s**t. .:sighs:. I want somebody to help me...I want somebody to hold me close in a nurturing way in their arms and say "Lindsey, hush, it's alright now, I'm here for you, I care about you, I'll help you through all of your problems, I'll help you with anything you need, I'm here for you." but nobody will. I'm always alone but I don't complain much, I just can't take it anymore...I need SOMEBODY there for me, I want that stronghold for myself as well...but...nobody will do it. I'm sorry that I can't be perfect, Amber I'm sorry that I failed you as a friend...I tried to be perfect, I really did...but I just can't do it. Jon, I'm sorry that I can't do much to help you, forgive me please. Cayla, I'm sorry that I yelled at you the other day, you can do with your life whatever you wish...I just hope that you make the right decision. To Kyle...I'm sorry for all of the abuse...I'm sorry about what I did...the things I said...I apologise for the millionth time...I know you won't read this unless somebody forces you to...but...I just hope that you know...I didn't mean to do that...I was just...hoping that you could be the one person that could hold me close and help me out ya' know...I wanted for you to be the one that rocked me side to side and told me calmly that everything would be alright...I wanted you to pull me aside and ask me what was wrong...to help me make it through all of my difficult times...I...I...I was really hoping that you cared as much about me as I thought you did...so I reached out to you in my sick twisted bitchy ways...I just thought that...it would work out better then it did...so I kept it going even after you told me to stop, kept reaching out...but...it didn't work...so I give up now. You win Kyle...and I'm sorry that you had to deal with my sick twisted way of reaching out for so long, I don't expect you to forgive me, I won't forgive myself either, but I'm still sorry that you dealt with me for such a long time. YOu're free now.

if you cared about me. . .you'd comment or message me to help out. . .or something like that.

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