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All she wanted was to love herself. Love her flaws and everything that made her a person. Lately it wasn't as easy to do.
Just forget about judgmental eyes.
Just put aside negative impulses.
All she wanted to do was restart with a new attitude and outlook. "Just do it," her best friend told her. "Don't just wish or say that you want to change, take initiative and just do it." Easy enough for her, the introspective goddess. As if it wasn't enough, now she was too weak to change, to "take initiative."
A relationship born from backwards circumstances. Could that be enough to pull her out of her depressed state? There they sat, both unsure of their feelings, but social quota had them tangling in eachother's hair in false passion. But from this awkward spark, her interest was lit. "Well, he is rather attractive," she rationalized after they disengaged. "And I wouldn't mind kissing him again." Her attention was on him the remainder of the night. He even fell asleep on the couch beside her and soon she couldn't keep her eyes open, his sleeping figure being the last thing she saw.
But that was all it was, and all it turned into. By the next day she realized that another kiss would be rather appreciated. But when he went to say goodbye he skipped her goodbye hug.
She didn't think it would go anywhere, once again slumping into her empty well of self confidence. He was everything she was not. He had goals, charm, social grace, and passion for things her truly cared for. Not as if she was lacking in these qualities completely, but they were feigned ideas, merely a show for the public.
In a warm bed she dreamed some week later. Her imagination sent her to a grass hill in the black of night. The wind quaked around her as she convulsed from lack of jacket. Slumping over into the grass, she pulled her legs in and stared through the jagged black edges to the city far below. Fading lights were its only beacon to her through the miles of empty space.
"You cold?" a familiar voice was beside her, though she could not move her heavy head to look. Something was laid on top of her shivering body, a jacket perhaps. It was warm and smelled of wonderful familiarity. A small grin donned her face as she tilted her head to look at him. He smiled back.
"Why are you up here?" she asked him in a whisper as she was afraid to wake the sleeping city. Sitting up, she became aware of how close he was sitting, as did he.
"Out on a walk," he responded a little flatly and scooted to to side by an inch. That inch was enough to her though, enough to send his message. "What about you? And without a jacket, are you stupid?"
"I don't know why I'm here," she felt stupid just saying it; her shaking whisper was barely audible as she shook from both the cold and humiliation. He cast his eyes downward towards the grass. "And I don't know why I don't have a jacket... I guess I thought it wouldn't be this cold."
"Next time try thinking." He started to stand up.
"Where the ******** do you get off," she looked up at him, "walking up to me as I'm enjoying a nice night and calling me stupid as if I asked for you god damned opinion."
He started, not expecting the outburst, and looked down to meet her eyes. "Well at least you're finally speaking up for once. You're not going to get your way by talking quietly and making up excuses."
"Take your ******** jacket and leave me alone," she stood suddenly and tossed the coat in his face. Quickly she made her way down the hill, except now the city's lights were gone. No matter, she wasn't trying to go anywhere, just get away from where she was.
"You can't just run away from everything." He had followed her.
"Did I ask you?" She continued, refusing to turn around. The nerve...
"Will you stop?" he almost shouted and grabbed her shoulder. This wasn't like him.
"What" was her curt response as she whipped her head around.
"Just stop for a minute." He had stopped yelling and she tried to pull away from him. He reached out with his other hand to grab her shoulder. "You don't need to do this, y'know."
"Do what." She avoided eye contact by looking at the weird buttons on his shirt with clenched teeth.
"Hate yourself." This time she met his eyes. He was calm now.
"And why the hell not," she asked with a shaking voice. Even though she'd rather lie to him and say that she didn't feel that way, she couldn't possibly do that while locked in his stare.
She woke in tears before he could answer.