The rain outside dripped down the stained glass windows as I lay down in the tub while my clothes get soaked. I can’t tell if my eyes are wet from the water or from crying. I don’t even know why I’m crying this much, I haven’t been able to cry in maybe 2 months and all of a sudden I’m ready to drown myself to stop crying. I look over at my alarm clock; the red lights read 8 pm on Sunday. I place my head in the water and try to relax.
“What do you want?” I yell as there is a knock on the door.
“Honey, are you okay?”
“Yes mom I’m fine.”
“Honey your father and I are worried about you.”
“Sure dad is worried; he doesn’t give a s**t about me.”
“Excuse me young lady don’t talk about your father like that and I don’t want to hear that type of language out of your mouth again.”
Mom, dad molested me for the last 6 years and I haven’t had the guts to tell you because you think he’s a saint. I lost my virginity when I was 10 ******** years old because dad couldn’t stop his urges. First I put his p***s in my mouth, and then so on and so on. So you remember when the doctor asked you why I was bleeding at a young age, that’s why. Damn mom you’re so dense, don’t you notice he “goes to the bathroom” every night, and you don’t wonder why he doesn’t use the one in your bedroom.
According to the therapist I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, and something having to do with hearing voices or not wanting to hear voices. Personally I think it’s all a crock and I’m fine, so I don’t really like to take the 5 pills I have to take everyday. Mom watches me take them, and slowly I have perfected the “slip it under the tongue” routine. Every once in a while she will catch me and check a million times but I’ve gotten better at hiding the pills.
This morning my alarm went off at 4:45, mom changed the time on it again without asking me. For some reason she always assumes that I’m going to miss the bus. The high school I go to is on the other side of the city and it takes about and hour and a half to get there. Classes start at 8 and I cant remember what time the bus comes but mom always has a toaster stroodle in the toaster ready to pop when I get up and ready so I can just run outside the house and catch it. I’m not really sure why after the last 2 years I can’t remember what time it comes or why I don’t check a clock, it just never occurs to me to look at one. But for some reason today I see that its 5:15; Today is different. I can tell in my body, and in the way I got up this morning that today something is going to happen that has never occurred in my life.
I jumped on the bus smelling the musky sweat of Miss Jones the bus attendant or so she likes to be called, I don’t see what the big deal about being a bus driver is. One by one we stop at every stop, Franklin then Peters then Saint Paul Ave. everyday I sit on the bus in an empty seat. Today Sarah Delgado sat with me. Sarah bucktooth we called her in 5th grade. Why today did she sit with me? Why did I look at her differently today? I smiled as she sat down on the green barely cushioned seat. I gave her more room then I even had to give, she was different today too; happy. Sarah was known at school to cling to girls, I never really understood what that meant until she laid her head on my shoulder. And all my butterflies flew out the window and I held her.
Psychology class; why today do they have to talk about homosexuality? After the morning that I had this is the last topic I want to be talking about. Maybe if I just put my head down and fall asleep nothing will bother me and I’ll stop thinking about the bus ride. I laid my head down on the black rectangle desk in front of me.
There was a knock at the door, it was Sarah, and she walked in and sat down next to me. Since when is she in my class? I’m so confused right now. Am I dreaming? Someone pinch me. I pick my head up and she’s really sitting next to me taking notes for the class. Drawing hearts on her papers with my name in the middle, and signing her name Mrs. Sarah Jordan. Why do I look at her this way? In a way I’m freaked out that she’s here but then part of me wants her here? The bell rings and I walk out holding her hand. I think that part of me wants this because of everything that dad has done, I just want to be loved, and why can’t it be a girl? Because your not gay stupid. Why can’t I be gay? Nothing says I can’t be? I think I just need to get home and sleep this off, after lunch I’m skipping out the back door and walking home.
Lunch bell rang; maybe if I eat something I can just sort this all out in my head. I’ll sit in a corner by myself and just think. I take one bite slowly and the bell rings that lunch is over. Did I just space out and not eat? Who cares now, I’m just going home. I sneak out the door and sun down the hill to the hoods. Then see the city street and walk and walk, I figured it would take me forever to get home but I guess not as long as I thought. My alarm clock says that school is over and I don’t even remember walking home. Why do I keep spacing out? Maybe if I can just calm down and relax then I can get some sleep and wake rested for tomorrow. I think a bath might help, but a bath two days in a row is a little weird. Oh well I need to time to just relax and think and contemplate what tomorrow is going to bring.
I get in the bath, my eyes are wet again. I’m crying this time and I can tell. But for some reason I can’t breathe. I open my eyes and I’m gasping for air. I force my body out of the water and look outside at the rain coming down the stained glass windows.
“what do you want?” I yell as there is a knock on the door.
“honey are you okay?”
I feel déjà vu as I tell mom I’m fine. I look over at my alarm clock, its only 9:30, it truly was a dream.
The Quiet Soldier Community Member 
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