Well its five months and eighteen days into the New Year, I’m home. The semester is over, and I’m getting ready to pack my stuff and work this summer.
School was ok, it was a new experience for me, being away from home sucked at times but having friends helped me get over that and being in a relationship helped too.
Relationships:
Monica- My first college relationship. I met Monica in a rugby game versus Green Mountain; she played scrum half just like I did. She was the most beautiful thing that I saw on the field, the first girl I wanted to talk to. After the game was over, We beat their team 46-7. I scored the last try in that game, a try is the equivalent to a touchdown in football. This girl and I both had braids in our hair and she had the prettiest smile ever. I asked lush to call her name and ask her to come over and as she had to go back to the cars so they could leave because it was an hour drive. I didn’t know for sure if she was gay or not but she had a deep voice and I got that “gaydar” vibe from her. I ended up getting her number after I got up the nerves to ask her for it. And told her I would call her on the following Sunday. For a month I called like once a week and she called back about twice, basically we played phone tag the whole month. Till one night, the night of the Halloween festival in town, she called me asking me to come up to Green Mountain for a “black and white” dance. And so I rounded up Amber, Ita, and Kiara and went up there to meet her and some friends. It was an amazing night. We brought her back to SVC and she stayed the weekend with me. We went on a New York trip to Crossgates mall. Her and I hit it off, I asked her to come down for the Halloween dance that my school was hosting, and she did, she asked me out that night. And months went by and so did the memories. Monica and I have been broken up for about 2 weeks now. I mean we dated for about 5 months and some weeks. But we broke up and started “talking” to other people, me to these girls Dani and Meghan and her to this girl Dana. And after a month apart we were still talking to each other and decided to get back together but that didn’t last long because Monica still wanted to meet Dana although I had already stopped talking to Dani and Meghan for her and she couldn’t stop talking to Dana for me. She said she did, but I knew deep inside she didn’t stop talking to her for me. She just put her on hold. And when we broke up, she saw Dana the weekend after. And they had sex, why deep down didn’t that surprise me, I wanted Monica to be different and not like all the other girls I dated that wanted to be with me till something better came along. I know it wasn’t like that, but she said she wanted to see what her others options were like. For the first time in weeks I finally put my foot down, I was tired of letting her “play me like a yo-yo” which is what Britt says she was doing. One day she was saying she loved me and missed me and the next she was saying that Dana really made her happy. And so I decided today with the help of Britt and Mario (my boyfriend) I told her that I didn’t want her to call or text me anymore, and for the hour after that she called about five times and I ignored them, and I ignored the texts, and its been hard all day but I have my Mario to talk to, and Dani and John to text. Monica and I are working together this summer and I hope that we can build a friendship but for now I need to get over her and to help that, I have Mario and a lot of time to think things over. I need to get over her, the way I got over LA; I need to be happy again. And plus, she says she’s falling for Dana, and I guess I’m happy for her.
Mario- the Girl/Guy I’m dating right now and have been dating for the last week and a few days. Mario I met on this gay website called Downelink, she was one of the best looking girls I met on that website, but I never got the nerves to talk to her, just friend requested her, not because I was dating Monica, but because I know that I am not the “stud” I want to be. I don’t have the confidence I should and I don’t have the looks that my mother once gave me. I gave my looks up: the big boobs, the cute butt, the hips; I gave that up to be me, the lesbian that refers to herself as soldier, not Michelle, I am not the daughter that my mom is happy with. The one day I needed someone the most, there came Mario, she sent me an IM on the computer and it just so happened that I was in ambers room on webcam so we could see each other, and when I saw her, she had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen on a girl, how did she know that at that moment I needed someone to be there for me. Was it luck? Was it fate? Or was it just by chance that she spoke to me. Mario is a transgender girl that identifies as a boy. And I don’t really care, and from here out journal I will refer to Mario as him. I like him, he’s a sweetheart, a gentleman, and he has a huge heart just like me. But what’s holding me back, he has so many things that I like, we both like to be outdoors, we have the same type of personality, but something, just something is holding me back, and I think that something is holding him back too. I know I could love Mario, I want to love Mario, and I’m not ready to, and I don’t think he is either, there is too much baggage in my life for anyone to love me. Mario is one of the greatest people I have met and dated, something about Mario draws me into him. Mario lives in California, and although long distance has always been hard for me, this time I want to make it work more then anything. But why am I still scared, heartbreak happens, heart ache happens, but I don’t want it to happen again. And if Mario and I are as alike as I think we are with our hearts, either one of us could hurt the other. How is it that I have all these questions and concerns about our relationship at only like a week and a few days, why is he so important to me? ::Sigh:: Mario. (More about Mario) He loves to write, loves music, and has a cute voice when he sings. Mario and I have a good relationship; we are both very honest and open about our feelings and express a lot of things to one another. (I’m slowly falling for Mario ::tears: smile
Dani-This gay girl I met online from Massachusetts. Dani is short for Danielle, Danielle Westcott. This cute 18 year old girl I met on MySpace that at the time was looking for a prom date, and at the time I was single and looking for happiness since Monica and I weren’t happy and not together. Dani and I hit it off right away, she had a great personality, the only thing different was that she was a little less matured then I am. And that’s an issue only because I’m already 19 and act about 25 or so, and she’s 18 and acts it sometimes. She’s cool though. She likes writing like me. But for some reason she fell for me before I even really got to know her, and it scares me, how can someone tell me that they love me but not know me completely, she doesn’t know who I was, she only knows who I am. She is like telling me that I’m the girl of her dreams and that she couldn’t see herself with anyone else and it really scares me. Sometimes she can’t handle my honesty or how I live my life talking to different girls but not getting with them, like Monica being in and out of my life, or Mario (she would kill me if I liked Mario).
John- Another person I met on MySpace, this time on MySpace IM, I don’t really know how it started but I’m glad it did, he’s adorable. 20. Lives in Virginia and from England. He’s sweet but has PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and it scares me sometimes because he has episodes where he relives the war and stuff. And I don’t really know how to help him, but he seems to love me and call me his girlfriend, and I call him my boyfriend of course. And I tell him I love him because I do, he’s a sweetheart and I care about him a lot. I’m going to see him next Saturday, mom is going to drive me down and see him and I’m going to spend like eight hours at his house, from noon to eight. He wants to cuddle, and I’m excited. He’s great, and I just can’t wait to meet him. Well the meeting day has been moved to Sunday, he has some Vietnam reenacting thing to do on Saturday so he has to change plans but he still says he wants to see me.
Jonny- The cutest guy in the SVC café. He’s one of the cooks that makes the lunch and dinner and he’s the top chef that makes food for the midnight café. He’s so cute. Before I left school and after Monica dumped me I started hanging out in the café more and talking to him for hours at a time. I would walk in everyday when I saw him and say “hi Jonny” in this cute girl voice. And he would always smile at me, and I would smile back. Then after a while Laura helped me find him on MySpace, and I sent him comments saying that I knew he had a crush on me, and being a lesbian I didn’t expect him to say that he did and that he thought it was mutual. And I didn’t know what to say to it because I didn’t think about that kind of thing. Then after that when I saw him, I knew it, I had a crush on him too. Every time I saw him in the café I would say “hi Jonny” and this time what he called me changed to “hey beautiful”. And it was nice, and we talked about chilling after school but I couldn’t with him because of school policy. But he said that after school we could go to his place or something, then one night, amber said that she wanted to go to price chopper and she knows I wanted to hang out with Jonny, so we invited him. And it was cool; he’s like a chill guy and down to earth but he didn’t hold my hand like I wanted and I just picked on him by throwing ambers boxes at him. But it was nice, just having downtime with him away from the school. And then the next day I was smiles from ear to ear, I can’t believe I liked a guy that worked at my school, and surprisingly I was starting to fall for him. A couple days later, Thursday, he and I said we were going to chill after he got off work. Well he ended up getting off after dinner and I couldn’t get a hold of him because he was at a friend’s cabin in the woods chilling out. And I told him to call me, and so I finally texted him at 3 something in the morning. And he called and asked what I was doing, and I said nothing, sitting in the computer lab wide awake. And he said that he was wide awake too and wanted to chill. So he walked to the school and I met him at the sign that said Southern Vermont College. He was standing waving his phone so I could see him in the dark. Believe me I walked in the dark for him, down the dark road to the sign just so I could hang out with him. And we walked the whole way through town and then half way he asked me if I wanted to hold his hand, and then he took it, he just took my hand. And I loved it; we had a really interesting conversation. Then we got to his house, which was like a mile from the school, and we watched TV and he got me some water. Then he looked at me and said, “Is it ok if I kiss you?” and I blushed and smiled. And he was like, on MySpace you said you’ve wanted to kiss me, and I said I did, and he leaned in and kissed me. And although he smokes, it didn’t bother me, I liked kissing him. And after like 2 hours of kissing and not paying attention to the movie, we decided to go upstairs and cuddle, because he was getting tired and he had to have me back to school the next day to work. So we went upstairs and started cuddling, and kissing more. He has the best kiss, he held my hands, and held my back, and made me feel like there was no one else for him. Like I was the best girl for him, like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Then he slept and I slept in his arms and I kissed him until I fell asleep then when I woke up I kissed him some more. Then we kissed some more, and he didn’t want to get up for work because he wanted to stay in bed with me. And the whole time he was a complete gentleman. After that, he showered and I got ready to leave, and he payed for the taxi to the school, and when it dropped me off by the gym, I kissed him and told him I would see him later. Then he went off to the café where he started preparing the food for the barbeque for the kids and parents moving out. Mom arrived and we packed and she met him, and when I went to say goodbye, he was behind this shed behind the café taking the grill back there near the horseshoe pit and I yelled for him, and he came running because he heard my voice, and I walked back there with him like I didn’t know what was going on, or to pretend I was helping him. And then I looked at him and I said that I was leaving and I wanted him to call me later, and he hugged me, and held me in his arms like nothing else mattered to him, and he kissed me. And when we pulled away from each other he told me that he knew he had to get the last kiss in before we said our goodbyes. And I was sad and said I had to go, and told him to call me later so we could see each other before I left for home. And when I got to the hotel after dinner I called and called and then finally fell asleep waiting for him to call, but he never did. And even today we have yet to talk on the phone or online, and it makes me sad because I feel that I have more feelings for him then I am ready to realize.
For the first time in years, I have never had less of a life then a started with. The life I’m living is with an empty heart and an open mind.
… If I gave you the truth… would it matter, would you care? If I sat down and told you everything I have been feeling and everything I have been hiding from you… would it matter, would you care? If I told you the things that I have been saying are only half truths… would it matter, would you care?...
May 19, 2008
(Midnight to 4am)
Mario… why is it that I can’t get you off my mind? You know now that I’m falling for you. And deep down I want you to fall for me… but I am ready for that? Are you ready for that? Talking to you everyday has made me stronger and I’ve been able to do things with you that I didn’t think I could do before. Like even tonight you have helped me write in my journal for the first time in months. I love that we share a love for writing, but hate that you’re so far away. I want to show the affection I am feeling in my heart to you in person. The one thing I wonder is how after everything I went thru with her (and you know who I’m talking about) how is it that I’m ready to fall for you. Am I ready to fall for you? Britt says that maybe you’re good for me, but I worry that am I good for you. I bite my lip when I talk to you, and I smile when you smile. And man oh man what a smile you have. There is this innocence about you that catches me in moments and I don’t even think you notice. But when I get quiet I’m listening to your accent, the Spanish accent that I like a lot. Then when you sing in Spanish it amazes me and also gets me hot for you. But that’s a different story. The fact that I’m hot for you could take up the next ten pages. I am astounded by how wonderful you are and how handsome you look. I know I should be sleeping and no matter if I’m asleep or awake I’d be thinking of you, but while I’m awake we can talk on the phone, and while sometimes we sit in silence writing its all worth the time when you ask me what I’m thinking about, and I simply reply, “you.”
(Afternoon)
Why is everyone trying to hurt me today? First Monica, now Dani, and Mario doesn’t want me to miss him. What the hell is going on today? First Monica calls about twenty times and when I finally talk to her she treats me like I am a horrible person. None of that matters, I’m tired of her. And now Dani is mad at me that I don’t call her, and I was like I’m sorry we cant talk for long because I’m worried about my minutes, and she was like “how can you talk to Mario” and I was like WTF, are you kidding, I’m having a bad enough day and she says that. I wish I could just tell her that Mario and I are dating but she won’t understand because she doesn’t like that people lie, and she will just call me a liar.
May 20, 2008
(Midnight-4 am)
I was talking to Mario today, and we talked earlier about things before he went off to go play flag football. And when he was getting off the phone it sounded to be as if he wanted to say I love you, and I was like really surprised. And later on when he called me after the game he mentioned it, he mentioned that he almost said it. And I didn’t how to respond, I didn’t know if he wanted to say it or if that’s how he felt or anything. And when I asked, he said that he doesn’t know, and that we should just see how things go together. Why am I falling for him like this? It’s been what, a week and a half at most, it’s not fair of me to fall for him like this. Neither of us are ready for it, I don’t even think either of us wants it. It’s to the point where I like him so much that I stay up at odd hours of the night so we can talk on the phone, where I should be sleeping and getting back into my sleep habit for camp.
The thing I don’t get about myself is why do I try and make everyone happy, why am I trying to please other people when the only thing I want to do is please myself and be happy. There is so much going on in my life, and I can’t even balance it all out. I want to breathe and relax.
There is this way about Mario that makes me stop and think, is this really what I want? Do I really want to be here in Maryland and be unhappy without him? Do I really want to spend the whole summer with Monica, (even typing her name makes me sick, she is not the person I fell in love with, and I know that I will never go back) when all I want is to buy a plane ticket and show Mario to the world like I dream about every night. (deep down I think, maybe I’m thinking too deep, maybe I’m getting in too deep, maybe I’m too needy, maybe me falling this soon is to fast for him. I wish I could just come out and ask him all this, but I can’t. I know that I will most likely read him this journal entry and he will say something but I just cant come out and say it without it being somewhere else, out of my thoughts, out of my heart) I have Mario in my life now, I think somewhere in him, he is falling for me, but like me, isn’t ready. I know I make him happy and I know I make him smile, but am I really what Mario needs right now, I want to be. I want to be the girl he needs in his life, I want him to see that I can be everything for him. The girl that makes him laugh, the girl that makes him smile, the girl that makes him want to play with himself, I want to be that girl, I want to be his girl. And I know he thinks I’m not over Monica, and part of him thinks that the only reason I am with him is to mask the feelings I have for her, when deep down I don’t feel anything for her anymore, I fell out of love with her the day I talked to Mario online, and it took me till yesterday to realize it. And now I couldn’t be happier. Mario is someone special that I don’t think I can ever stop caring about, right now, I’m sitting on the phone with him, listening to him breathe, I think he’s crying but I’m too afraid to ask, because I know he’s writing. I love writing, it makes me happy. And it helps me express how I feel towards people, and it helps Mario express things towards me. And I love it when I read him something and I can hear him smile and be happy about what I wrote to him.
I talked to her yesterday, Monica, and everything I said to her made me wonder, why was I even in love with this girl in the first place. She and I have nothing in common and she’s manipulative and compulsive and doesn’t care about me at all. That’s the part that hurts the most. I wanted to be her friend, I thought she deserved that much, but for her to sit there and tell me that she loved me and still do those things, have sex with Dana and throw it in my face, and to get pissed off at me for dating Mario or talking to Dani. And Dani is a different story. Monica and I are two different people, I wish I would have realized that six months ago, but I guess it’s not that simple or easy.
Camp starts June 22nd, but because of everything with Monica and I, I’m going up to camp on June 14th. And I’ll be there till august 13th, then I come home to finish packing my stuff, then when I get home I go back to school august 15th for rugby camp and everything. I’m not really sure when school or classes starts but I can’t wait to just be back, so I can have the internet anytime I want it. But I feel like I am going to miss home again, sometimes when I’m up there, I don't know why I decided to go to a school so far from home, when I know I get homesick, then I think about what life is like at home, and I think about the life my sister lives and I know that I would be unhappy if I would have stayed at home. Thanks to going to Vermont, I met my wonderful best friend amber, great friends that I’m going to live with next year, and a great boyfriend on a website that I didn’t even know existed without the nudge from one of my friends at SVC.
Sorry journal I would love to write more, but I’m getting tired and Mario is on the phone with someone else, so I’ll just head to bed and make this night go away, plus I have to up before 1 so I can take the essay I wrote for CSB and submit it with my scholarship information so I can get the $7,500 scholarship for school. So goodnight.
(For the record- I stayed up till bout 6 in the morning when he called me back. This was only about 20 minutes from the time he hung up with me for the other line. But I stayed up till about 645 listening to Mario tell me about his life and then he went to hang with some friends and I texted about how much he meant to me and I needed to hold him. And I told him I wanted to love him, but I was scared that’s not what he wanted. And I fell asleep and when I woke up this morning I saw a text from Mario saying that he wanted it to. And to not be afraid, but I still am.)
(Afternoon)
Today I finally turned my essay into CSB online, and I’m going to send my application thing tomorrow in the mail, so it will confirm me submitting my application. I need that money more then anything; the school sent me my financial aid packet, its only 17,000 and something. Which sucks because they just upped the tuition at the school. And they are expanding the café to make it bigger and they are also building new dorms that are planned to be there for the (possible) spring of 09. I can’t wait to live in the new dorms.
Life has been so hectic today, but all I keep thinking about is how selfish I am about things now a days, I think my life is so horrible, when in reality its not. My life is just the life or a gay girl trying to struggle to be happy and stay alive.
…
I want to know if you can live in shadow.
The shadow I live in that some call writing.
The shadow that fills the holes in my heart, the holes that make me question myself
…
I want to know if you can be alone
In your own journal,
In your own paper.
To open the eyes of the world and start a new life for everyone through words on a page
…
I don't know what I’m thinking right now, I know that in a few hours Mario is going to call and ask me what I’m thinking about when I get quiet, and I don’t want to saw, Monica, him, Dani. Right now I’m thinking about the blade.
May 22, 2008
(Midnight to 4am)
I don't know what’s wrong with me tonight. I’m acting all down and emo. And Mario singing to me in Spanish isn’t even helping. Now I know something is really wrong with me. I can’t stop thinking about things, I cant stop thinking what I’m doing about school, how can I go back to school when I know I don’t have the money and mom doesn’t think I putting in the effort I should, or what I’m doing about the summer, and whether or not taking this job will be right for me, how can I work somewhere with an ex that I cant even tolerate for more then 5 minutes. Or where Mario and I stand. I don't know how to even go about asking him where we stand. I know I like him a lot, and I’m pretty sure he likes me a lot. And I know were dating but I don’t really know where this is all going, if we’re going to just let things go where they go and stay together. Or if (uhh) I don't know. I’m talking non-sense. I’m trying to be happy and happiness is inevitable for me right now. I feel like my world is crashing and burning. Sometimes I feel like I should be alone because I feel so alone, but then when I am alone I hate it. Why is the blade on my mind? It’s been weeks since I’ve had an urge or the need but this week has been one hell after another. I can’t cry. I just want to release the pressure I’m feeling inside. Dani just met this girl Megan and I’m really happy for her, and Monica is happy with Dana, and I have Mario, but I just want Mario to be here. The distance is killing me, like I love talking to Mario and I’ll stay up for him at odd hours of the night, but recently we haven’t had much to talk about besides asking how ours days went and asking what were thinking about. Why am I looking for a more in depth conversation when I wouldn’t even know what to talk about? Like there are things I want to say, but I don't know how to say them. Like hearing that he called Whitney because I didn’t answer the phone, I get they are friends but it kind of makes me feel bad, and I don't know why; And then hearing about the “how I met Ashley” story like 3 times, like I’m happy for Mario that he has Ashley and I don’t know why part of me is jealous of her, but I am, and it just sucks hearing that my boyfriend still thinks about that moment with attention to detail. Why am I doing this to myself again? Why am I over thinking things? Why can’t I just hold my feelings in check with this relationship? I don’t want Mario to feel pushed away or upset at me, but I cant stop feeling a way and keep it bottled up all the time, its only fair for me to tell Mario how I’m feeling. But it’s harder then I think. I just wish depression didn’t suck like this. Even mom notices that something is wrong with me. I wish I could sleep, well actually I wish I could cry, and most likely cry myself to sleep. Then I would just kill two birds with one stone.
I read Mario this entry, and all he said was okay. How do I respond to that? I want him to say more, I want him to say that he cares about me, and I mean so much to him, but maybe I’m reaching for something that isn’t even there. Maybe I am looking for something in this relationship that I can’t even find in myself. Happiness. I want Mario to make me happy, and for the most part he does, but then there are days that I’m just blah about being with him. (well he just asked what I wanted to do about the distance, because he was like, if it kills you now its going to stay like that, and asked if I wanted to end things and just maintain a friendship level, and although I think that’s what the best thing is for me, I cant do it. I don’t want to be alone, although I need it desperately, I can’t be alone, I feel like that will only hurt me more.) And then there is Dani, Dani is only about an hour at most away from me, but there is something holding me back from her, maybe its being with Mario, or that I’m just afraid to be in another relationship where I could get hurt. I mean being with Mario could hurt me but the distance is a way of preventing the hurt, either that, or make it worse. Mario just keeps asking what I’m thinking about and I don’t know how or what to say. I just want to be with him. But for some reason I just won’t let myself, there is something holding me back from giving myself to anyone. Is it love for other people or just not enough love for myself? I always hear the saying, you can’t love other people if you don’t even love yourself, and I don’t know how to love myself. How do you love yourself? I wish I knew. It hurts thinking I can’t love myself. I’m staring and fixating on things that aren’t even in my control. (WTF, why is Mario hurting me right now. We’re on the damn phone and first he mentions ******** smoking earlier with Ashley. And then after I read the first part of this entry about him mentioning Ashley and him meeting, he mentions it again twice to his roommate.)I don't know what’s wrong with me. Why am I jealous? I trust Mario, that’s not the case; I just can’t hear that he loves someone else. It’s just hurting me that everyone loves someone else, and no one loves me. I need to stay away from relationships; I need to stop putting myself in situations where I can get my heart broken. Why is it that I keep hurting myself?
There are two types of secrets: those we hide from others and those we hide from ourselves
