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So I guess i'm not gonna make this a daily thing, however i'll be making it a uncommon occurrence when I decide to write.

Pandora: Forest Flower by Michael Carvin

Seems like some really calm jazz today, a lot of it played today.

Things to look forward too: All in one patch for Dungeon Fighter Online will be out soon. That's. . . not as uplifting as I wish it would be. Tomorrow i'll be going with my grandparents to the market. If only they were really my real grandparents. Two weeks till I get to spend the weekend with a friend. It should be nice. Nice to have a friend around other than my room mate, and to be outside. Sorry.

Right now i'm feeling a mix of things, well along with the normal low value of myself. I've realized that coming back to gaia might'v been something I should'v avoided. Making friends is easy and hard, mostly trying to sustain a friendship is the hard part. Attempting to take part in activities that both participants could enjoy from it, along with equal things in common. I find that I stand in a very dull grey area where I neither excel or take interest in anything in specific. Lately I've been feeling numb again, along with cravings of alcoholic beverages, preferably something that'll knock me out for a few hours. Maybe if I can get a job it will improve things a bit more. Something I hear a lot is I should love myself before I can love someone else. Most of my life I hear to treat everyone with love and respect by default until they prove unworthy of either. I know myself, and the things I've done. It's hard to love a guy that you know too well and at the same time can't even recognize in the mirror. I got so out of shape from binge drinking, trying to figure out a way to sleep easier in the day without that heavy led ball of guilt at the bottom of my stomach bothering me. Having friends is a privilege, having people who trust you is a blessing, having people who have things in common with you is hard, and having someone who can tolerate the negative parts you offer is a miracle. 1 out of 7.6 billion and counting odds to find someone who would have all the qualities and if not the ones that matter and in the end I destroyed my odds to 0. I shouldn't talk about her, this is about the now. But I'm talking about guilt. I hope I can get that job soon. I don't think I can see myself going through the days without a glass in my hand any time soon.

Now playing: Strangers by Yoko Kanno

Sorry for another downer, I'll try to make something sweet or something to make the day feel better. Maybe some pumpkin rolls.