I'll start with what i'm listening to:
Pandora The Seatbelts Radio: Birk's Works by John Coltrane.
The genre of this station on Pandora is something of jazz and blues mix. The Seatbelts was the group responsible for most of the OST for Cowboy Bebop, an amazing sound track to an amazing anime in my own opinion.
Things I have to look forward to; Lunch with a friend later today, along with my day with my mother and baby sister, I haven't seen them in a while. My friends business trip up to the North West, we'll be spending the last day of the month and first day of the up coming month hanging out. Lastly a Job, if I get an interview first.
How i'm doing: Well over all not so great. I've been reflecting about myself more and more and I see myself as the person that everyone see's me as. As some may see me differently, I cannot deny that so far in my life I've been nothing but an ungrateful slacker towards my family. I don't feel like I can look them in the eye with the current condition i'm in. My life away from my family has been out of frustration of what I thought to be negligence and no equal grounds of trust for me. From that point on whatever concept of what I thought was family was destroyed during the graduation party my family threw in honor of those who graduated that year. Out of miscommunication between a network of people, it started a horrible argument and mess that revolved around me and "being upset and saddened by me not graduating" when in fact I was just in my room studying for an important exam. Honestly I was happy for my family's achievement and milestone that they reached. But I had a priority to myself that I needed to no longer fall behind. I'd have to go way back into detail about what happened, why things happened, why so and so reacted the way they did so I'm just gonna cut to the short of it: My family saw me as nothing more than a victim of my own undoings and reminded me of the failures I have come across in my life. The only one to blame for them was neither the buses that showed up late, the divorced parents who's attention was divided towards personal matters rather than the structure of their curious and impressionable teen children, the family who's values have been diminished into financial struggles and attempting to overcome it, no it was all me and how I handled all those hurdles. Now this isn't some sarcastic playback of what occurred, no sincerely believe they were right about it all along. So many others have struggled from far worse and have succeeded beyond that. As where I stand, I only failed at all my attempts at greater living. I'm too tired to write a coherent entry, but i'll push through a bit more. Maybe I didn't want to see it at first, or maybe they really are wrong and i'm just being to hard on myself, but reality is i'm in a hard place and in such a narrow path that it's hard to turn back. Right now my plans to get somewhere better than where I am right now is to get a job first and raise up money to get my license and vehicle along with my G.E.D. Once I can do that I'll be able to get a better job than what I would be in at the time. Afterwards I'll have a new goal to fashion up and attempt to achieve. The end game though is to be somewhere in my life where I can stand on my own two and move along in life well, so then I can face my family and return to them as a tall strong independent and seen as an equal to them. That's at least what I hope for. As for my father, he died. There's no one to go to for forgiveness, or to be forgiven for. That man was dead a long time ago.
Alright and I guess that concludes that for now
What i'm listening to is the same station, but
Now playing: Misty by The Gene Harris Quartet
Take it easy friends and readers. And sorry for the sad entry, i'll try to have something more upbeat in the future.
