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Dear God, what is it that I am waiting for?

I'm trying really hard to sort everything out, I really am. I know where my darker side comes from. I know who I am trying to become. But it still feels like I'm waiting for something, and it makes me anxious and sad.

I want to do what I am supposed to do. But sometimes, I get so frightened, like a little child. And I miss you and the others. I know, and I am grateful, for the dreams where I get to see you. But...I'm sorry, God, it's still not the same. It's not how it used to be.

I want to go back. And yet...I love it here. I know this might not be my home, but I truly do love it, even when the homesickness makes it hard for me to even move. I miss Alec, even though I know he's always here with me, but...I want to play tag again with him, and make him make that pretending-to-be-annoyed face when I splash him with water from that brook, when really he's just enjoying life.

And I want to be held. I want someone who loves me and who knows who I truly am to sit beside and lean on as I doze off watching a movie with them, or reading a book together. I want to hold hands with someone, and to know that I am not alone and that others do love me. I want someone to share my secrets with and get into arguments with where we both end up breaking up into laughter instead of anger.

I feel so left out here, God. I know it's my own doing and I know it's just because of how I am: quiet, reserved, shy. It always feels like I'm watching life here. I love my life, and I feel alive, but...I just can't interact with people. I love humanity deeply, but I have a hard time communicating, even though my empathy runs deep. It makes me jittery and hesitant, and I always second-guess myself. I can't judge how others see me and I am totally oblivious to any cues of invite.

But, God, I'm grateful. I wonder what it is I am waiting for...