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Blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah bite me.
Hmm...Have you ever had something happen to you where you knew it was probably the right thing, no matter how much you wanted to fight it? Have you ever been at such a loss for words that you're at a loss for emotion? Feeling? Anything?
Earlier this evening, my boyfriend and I had a conversation in which he explained to me that after several days of debating such, he thought it better that him and I not claim ourselves to be in a relationship with one another and rather we just be good friends. Granted he was probably right and we actually conversed rather than argued about the matter, it still hurt more than I ever thought it would. We agreed that we should still try to be the best of friends. After our 'break up' conversation, we actually had two further conversations. One was about drinking...yes I drink...and smoke, but because of James, my former boyfriend, I am doing my best to quit. Yet still I drink. Monday a friend and I combined Vodka and Energy drinks during our lunch break and have made plans to combine Vodka and coffee this coming Monday....That was a bit off subject, but oh well. Anywho...We had a conversation about drinking and then a third conversation about nothing at all...
One would think that by now, two hours later, I would have broke down and cried....Yet, and I know not why, I haven't. I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not anything....For the past two hours I have felt nothing. I do not smile, I do not laugh or frown....Yet somehow I still manage to feel the pain. Not as sharply as it was at first. Slowly, as the clock on the wall ticks away the seconds of time, the pain fades as I become numb. Soon, perhaps within the night, the hour, or even the next few minutes, I won't even feel the pain.
I am at a loss. I know how I should feel, and how I shouldn't feel, but I do not feel, not what I should, not what I shouldn't, I simply do not feel....anything.
Is it wrong for me to feel no sadness? Or is it a blessing?
I do not know...I seem to know nothing.
I am at a loss for word.
I am at a loss for thought.
I am at a loss for emotion.
I am lost.