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This year has started off so freaking rough...

I didn't even think I was going to make it through.

I'm 20 now, and it seems as if my life has gotten twenty times harder, as it should.

But...

It been months now... months I couldn't even get out of bed.
Months where I would stop eating for more than a couple days.
Months where I would never sleep.
Months where I was nothing but a shell that only woke up to go to work.

I am weak...

I was so close...
SO close to driving my car off the side of "A" mountain.

I even picked up my best friend to tell him I was sorry for what I was about to do.
(Not with him in the car, of course. I would have dropped him off at home first.)

I was honestly convinced.

To this day...

I don't dream anymore...
I only dream of what it would be like after I die.

It's sad, really.

Every passing day I get these... odd visions about how I will die.

I'm tired.
Tired of living, you know?

It's been 2 years now since I was told to go die.
And it's not even the first time that I've been told this.

But... ever since then, I have felt something change about me.

Maybe I should...

Every waking moment I often hear those stupid words echo in my head...
over...
and over...
AND OVER!

Fake
Stupid
Liar
Toxic
Manipulative
Nuisance
... ABUSIVE

At some point, I almost lost my Rinny from my life...

I'm just a month away from losing Rudy...

Ever since 2 years ago... I have never made new friends.
Not at work.
Not at school.

I can't help but to grasp and cling onto the idea that maybe I really am what everyone says I am.

I will refuse to put anyone through my supposed "abuse" again.
I once promised this to someone I knew. And I've kept it...

I honestly hate my life.
And I'm 100% convinced that everyone hates that I was actually born.

Whenever people tell me they enjoy my upbeat attitude, smile, enthusiasm or "kindness", I can't help but to think that they're lying to me and they're just going to end up like everyone else in my life who has left me.

Calling me all those lovely names and titles that I have so rightfully earned.

I've been homeless for many months as well all throughout this year...
Tired...
Hungry...
Alone...
But not afraid.

I left my parent's house on Christmas eve of 2016 because my dad kicked me out.
But all in all, I mutually left as well.

My dad literally chased me down and I was afraid for my life.

I haven't lived there since then.

The streets are often cold.
But the other homeless people can be very kind, at times.

I had bought myself a 2007 Mazda Rx-8! It was a great car...
When it lasted...
I only had it for 4 month before it died.
Nobody in town knew what was wrong with it either because... you know...
Rotary motors.

Anyway, a month prior to it dying, someone broke into my car when I was living in it and stole everything including my identity.

The only thing I honestly had left because I had no dignity anymore.

But who wants to be me? Ha.

Then my car died soon after and I haven't had one since late September? Early October? of this year.
Yay.

It was very hard to find a home with 2 or 3 friends in the whole town. One of which that doesn't even live here anymore.

I am in a financial rut.
I often have hungry days at work or at school, but I will keep going.

I haven't seen a day off since... school started. So never. Ha.

Work. School. Work. School. Work. School. And I still go hungry.

I can't listen to my music anymore. It used to calm me down but now I'm tormented by it. I used to discover new music from friends, family and other loved ones but I ... don't really have all that anymore. Or maybe musicals and sing-a-longs aren't my cup of tea. Sorry, Rudy, I love you but they don't fall under my interests.

Recently, I discovered the song 1-800-273-8255 by Logic and I learned that it is super relevant to my life.

Not the video. The song.

At this point, least I have a roof over my head now. But I still wish to die.

I'll bite my tongue and hope for the best.

I sure hope next year goes a whole lot smoother.
If I make it...

EDIT: Okay, so... I lost my dogs Annie to cancer, Mango to thyroid problems and Neptune to old age this year within a few months of each other...

What is life...

May they Rest in Peace