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Welcome to my over-reacting rants.
No need to read ahead, just gunna type and stuff.
I know Im over-reacting. My imagination is over-active. Here I go thinking who-knows-what. Wondering whats wrong. You usually at least call wen your not coming on. I waited a bit and when I finally got on gaia at 7 to see if you were done your homework I saw that I waited 43 minutes to long. You posted that status saying you wernt coming back on, and that you might not be at the mason. That's all fine, but its confusing you know? heh. Like, you would normally call. Its probably me, but the last of it seemed angry.
"fair notice and warning." It seemed like a stab at what I said the other day. About me giving you fair notice. Maybe what your doing is what you told me I could do. Just take a day off from everyone? But I still cant help but think its me somehow. Did I upset you? Or was it your mom? and if it WAS your mom why didn't you put that in your status? I dont know... But like. I did it today. Kinda. I survived most of the day. Pretending to be someone else is one of the only ways I can get through the day sometimes. But no one seems to mind so it must be okay? I missed you today. Really bad. I made a bad decision in deciding to go to the mason this morning. Even right now i'm struggling not to...you know...
whatever. Ill be strong. Maybe. I don't know. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes.
I wanted to talk. I wanted help. I just...I wanted to talk... to get this off my chest i guess...or just to forget or something... I dont know...
I say that alot. "I don't know."
What DO I know?Really? Theres nothing I do right. Nothing. Im gunna fail classes I know it. And im going to MIDDLESEX! I said I would never go there! Im such a ******** idiot... I ******** you wont read this either. You dont really go on my profile anymore right? Im just...I know I have people, friends, i know i have you...and i love you...so much...but when I sit here in my room for hours at a time I think about stuff. Who knows who I really am? I hide it from everyone. I OPENLY state "hey look! im someone else! do you like my new mask!?"
Damnit. I really dont know who i am. and i know we HAD this convo before...but its hard. Somethings wrong with me.
I surround myself with people but still feel so alone. Heck I feel alone if someone doesnt respond to a MESSAGE... I dnt know what that makes me, what its called, but i know i have issues, and I hate myself for it. I hate that im so needy, I hate that I have to pretend to be someone else, but when I do, i cant forget what issues I have. I can escape it all for a while. Even with the ridicule I face from the fact that I do it. If I act like it doesnt bother me they will stop right? No. They never do. ********. I...damnit! And if you are even reading this, you will see it and be blaming yourself right now right? Dont do that. Please. Its just... I can hide this...most of the time...but on days like today....
I need someone to tell me it wasnt my fault.
Its not my fault...is it...?
I didn't want any of it...
I didnt want it....

s**t. Now im crying...well it looks like I cant go downstairs....

I ******** hate myself, whoever I am.