(Last year, I was just not frequently serious; the majority was casual.)
When I normally talk to someone, I don't sound like this. Not that much anyway. Especially not when I'm incredibly excited or joyous, lol. Yes, I'm a reserved and serious person, but that does not feel, on a daily basis, very spirited, so I'm usually carefree when I talk; I emote. I sound lively, cheerful, and supportive, like how I was a year ago; I sound oblivious, opposite of analytical and knowledgeable. The default may look like I'm "playing dumb", but, in actuality, this is caused by not thinking as much as I'd have to. I don't need to be serious, so I don't act like that. The result makes me look like I'm not paying close attention, I'm lost, and I'm oblivious.
; u ; That would explain my "ditzy-ness" and Ohhh 8O-ing sweatdrop
Sometimes, I really am confused though. o - o
I'm exactly like myself a year ago except I'm a little more mature and serious now. I don't like the change, because I liked myself, as did others, so I keep the way I was a year ago, the person everyone liked, but lately, it feels a little wrong to be her (past) and to be me (present); neither self, from different times, seems quite right as the one persona. Looking back, I seemed a little too "airy" for my present liking back then, but I feel a little too mature now, for my taste, that the seriousness faintly clouds the atmosphere at times before it disappears. Because of my maturing, it feels my past self is not who I am anymore. It feels like, when I didn't have to be serious/think and thus talk like myself (from a year ago) again, I really am playing dumb for the sake of keeping who I was.
-a quick and general (hence the title) made-up description example-
Who I was,: cheerful, clueless, innocent, naive, happy, and don't forget the emotes.
(If you have talked to me, you know it'll sound different than how I'm talking right now in this explanation/narrative entry.)
When I acted like that, it was because I didn't need to think and I didn't need to be serious on a daily basis. I loved being carefree and I still love it. Perhaps that's why I don't want to let it go.
If I act like that when I don't need to be "clueless, untouched, and completely happy", when I'm feeling a little more mature, it seems I'm playing dumb. But it's not all true. Currently, I continue to not need to think all the time; the evidence shows in my same behaviour now, in conversations with people, like no time passed. If I act like how I was a year ago when it comes naturally, I'm still myself and I was never playing dumb; it is who I am.
I have already changed my text colour from last year, but
{ I mean no offense towards fellow size nine users. For the last year, I have merely observed at least two people sound like that and a good number of roleplayers do the same, and "size nine text users" just became a type of person, as strange as that sounds o - o. }
I don't want to become one of those people I've seen around Gaia with size nine text, short responses, and a mature voice. Not only is a specific general behaviour a little expected/typical of the text size, it seems ... like, you know, "another one" and I don't want to do that. I don't want to sound like another clone. And I don't use size nine text, by the way; I use ten because I noticed size nine text strangely looks ever so slightly smaller than it should be on comments and journals (size nine text in Forums looks a little bigger) and I wanted people to be able to read it without squinting their eyes. Although this is size eleven text because size ten text is having italic problems! Dx When it is italicized, it looks like there is no space between the italicized word and the next word, which is comfortable to read for me! I would like to not be graced with this problem, thank you kindly. It's weird how it's not a problem anywhere else but the journal.
Anyways, the mild problem is I don't really want to change. Normally, when I move on, I move on and I have no problem. However, I don't want to drop and discard, and never look back. This becomes my downfall. If I resume the behaviour, I'll suffer. It's called character development, and moving forward. And I'm stubborn .. ! -playful and casual- I'm absolutely stubborn, and being impossible to work with, you may not say but I may say =)
-thinks back- ... That is what I'm keeping it!
"I loved being carefree and I still love it. Perhaps that's why I don't want to let it go."
I want to keep it because I love the blissfulness of nothing's wrong - because nothing is wrong while I am my past self or I wouldn't be my past self; if something were wrong, I would be serious and tend to the problem or input some advice. Right now, I'm both. I'm serious, but when I'm happy/excited/blissful, I'll sound like myself a year ago; and when the situation calls for it, I'll stop. Or I'll stop when I don't need to sound like that, like in my journal entries. (Surprisingly, I hardly emote anymore; it's a little depressing.) I'm an honest person and I can't be someone I'm not. I'm only wired to be who I am and I know no other .. er, personality, being. Uh, way of life? No, never mind the last one.
(In reality, I haven't changed. I mean, not a lot; I just brought some traits out, to become my current self, after I found out something about myself. If it looks like I hid some personality or if my behaviour is news to anyone, then it may look like I've changed a little.)
Some time off Gaia could help because the person a year ago was birthed and existed on here, on this account, and it feels weird to see like she doesn't exist and another person took her place: altered but the same girl; different but not different. It only feels weird on here. Anywhere else, be it an instant messaging system, a social networking site, or in person, I'm me; I haven't changed. The change is more prominent on here because of the vast and clear difference of the two selves, me a year ago and me now and it only looks more different to me because I'm focused on it too. On the same site, the two exist; if you put them side by side, ie: posts, and compare, you would be uncomfortable too. Please don't search my posts, and please do not go ahead with the attempt because you're curious. If I say you'll feel uncomfortable, I'm saying you will - and it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing someone's going to see who I was versus who I am. It's like being watched e - e.
I hope I'll be fine. I should be fine, in the end; that's the definite result; I know that. All I have to do is wait and live, you know? Just go . o.
If I change enough and come back, I really have no need to be who I was and I'll naturally be who I am. I put liking a "generalization of who I was", regarding enjoying a carefree attitude, because I know I'm a better person now in comparison. Being smarter is always a good thing. No fiction where being smarter is not a good thing &o & that's not allowed. lol; it's not what I mean.
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"It is sometimes the height of wisdom to feign stupidity."
—Cato the Elder
C: Oh, yes! ♥
Pretend you don't know anything.
Can you feel the intelligence? (Taste?)
It's the best kind of deception, I think! C:
It's not really deception 8D
(I don't like evilness in anything, so if I like it,
it's not evil; in this case, it's clever)
<u < It's too good knowing you know what you know, but they don't know that you know what you know.
Did that make sense? I did it on purpose, but it's sadly not so confusing to read. I couldn't help it ~ = v = heart
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