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But, you know me.

I can't have anything good to me happen without beating myself up because I don't deserve it.

Will came over today, and we watched Shaolin Soccer and Brother Where Art Thou. After that we played Fullmetal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixer.
I played some of it, but it was mostly me watching him.

Anyway. I like Will. I like... being with Will.
I like being a normal human being and having interactions with someone of my own species face-to-face.

The problem here is... We don't mesh well.

Well, we do, but. I just don't feel we do. For whatever reason.

See, I think he knows that I'm smarter than I act. And I think he knows a lot more about me than he's letting on. But the problem is, every time he's around.. I find myself..

I don't know. I'm retarded around him.

My reading comprehension is even suckier. I can't remember things we talked about five minutes a go. And he's called me on it, multiple times.

I feel like I'm lying to him.

And then. I ask him all these questions. Like "What is this word?" and "What does that mean?" When I KNEW them before, but now that he's here the meaning just... Slipped away.

He's not. I don't know. He's not... Dominating, I guess. It doesn't seem right when we're both on the same psychological level.
Everyone I'm with, there's usually a very clear social ladder, where I'm omega or some place near the bottom. Or at least not on the top.

With him it's.. Exactly the same level, and it's uncomfortable for me. I don't know why.

With Chris, my ex-fiance, we were on the same way too, but.. It was different. We clicked. I felt so great with him all the time. He was just like me. He thought like me, acted like me, liked things I liked, hell. He even LOOKED like me at the time.

For ******** sake, he has my name, albeit spelt differently.

For the longest time I thought I was so narcissistic for loving Chris. But I got over it. Because anyone with half a brain knows I hate myself. Loving Chris just didn't make sense.

But Will. Today, when he left my house. It was 10pm and my mom was asleep. And we were talking before he left to go to his place. He was about to go and he said, "What was it you said? Not liking touching?"

My heart leapt. I was so happy he remembered. But then, I quickly covered myself. "No, no. Sexual stuff."
And he was all. "Oh, right. Then c'mere!"

And he hugged me. It was really sweet.

But I didn't feel anything.

It was like hugging my mom or dad. There was nothing there.

I realise that.. Will is like... THE perfect guy. And. I probably couldn't get anybody better than him, who respects me, who.. Wants to be around me.
But...