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Dear journal,

So I went to this store with my parents on the way home from my bro's house. Sure, I went to the second floor(alone) cuz that's where all the stationeries and school stuff were. I was about to buy a glue, some pens, a purple highlighter and a correction tape. See, the problem was, everytime I go to that store, knowingly it was a store close to her house, I prayed to God seriously that she won't be there. I mean, whatever man, the chance was like 2% but heck, guess what?

Yep, she was there. "Vane!" She called me. That's her nickname to me lol. Oh, the irony. So let me tell you why I'm disturbed by her. I'm gonna name her X

I have a crush in this girl, like a seriously, mad crush since God knows when. maybe when i was 11? And when i was 13, X pretty much figured it out. And how? She asked me, and I answered. We were close. Very close, actually. She's older than me by a year and a bit of the succubus naughty type. I dare to say that I'm smarter than her and she doesn't understand English. However, she's a very sweet person. When you're not with her as a boyfriend but merely as a friend, or in my case, her god-brother (lol). She's the nicest person you could meet.

X was the player type. She accepts all couple invites and after like a few days, they'll break up. I'll admit jealousy to you guys, but no matter how hardcore her player attitude was, she had her own breakdowns. And we'd call each other almost every night, just talking about how her love life was doing, figuring out her family and sometimes comforting her. It was, of course the best feeling to be there for her. To be the one she talks to just as a brother and giving her the attention she needed.

It breaks me how she would suddenly call me in a hoarse voice and pretend nothing happened. Of course, she was crying. I could hear her. My guess was supported by her sister and I'd at least try to get her to forget him. Seriously though, it was obvious that I like her, but why won't she understand it?

She knows that I like her, but kept quiet. She should've said something. X, you shouldn't have stayed quiet like that. Even when we still kept in touch, you should've said something. Anything will do! Keeping quiet means I would be waiting for you! Keeping quiet means that you are giving me an unsteady feeling towards you. Silence means that I still have a chance. To think that I would still have opportunities to get into your heart. You kept quiet, X. But it's been three years, Eka. THREE FREAKING YEARS, Just holding onto that hope, that one small light. I was dead tired. I was confused. What are you doing, Eka? Did you really wanted me to wait for you? Have you ever considered the pain and torture I took every year just waiting for the answer that never came to me.

It's SO SIMPLE, EKA!! "NO! Stay away from me!" Is what i want to hear from you!!! A rejection is FINE! as long as I no longer have to wait. Because a few weeks before I saw you at the store, "I'm letting you go..." was what i said to myself, and to you, who clearly wouldn't understand since it was in english. But, no matter what I did to myself, I still find myself hanging on to you. When I saw your face right then, my heartbeat stopped. As I saw your eyes glittering, just looking directly into my soul, my lungs cease to function. And when I heard that voice, the chiming bells, the most beautiful music in my ear, my throat went dry and all I could manage was a dumbass smile. And that's when I realize, no therapy could undo my chemistry towards you. Damnit, Eka. Reject me, please. Don't keep me waiting, hanging on a fake hope.