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Yes. Two journals in one day.
Yeah, ******** you too.

So on the last day in Hawaii. Yesterday. We went to a playground for the annoying five year old. Well, I have a strange fondness for playgrounds being as this one was the hugest thing I'd ever seen and all I really got as a kid was a swingset.

So I jump on the monkeybars, and... I can hardly do two of them.
I give up on them and go for the chained balance beam.. And I fall over multiple times and make the thing shake incredibly.

I go for the rope spider web and.. My legs don't bend that way.

In the airplane, I lift up my 29.3 pounds of packed carry-on baggage to the overhead compartment... And I almost crumble over.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I crack my knuckles every day since as long as I can remember, usually like 5 times a day, and now.. I can't grip anything. Even if I had the strength to hold myself over the handlebars, my hands can't grip it. At all.
So I'm trying to not crack my knuckles, which is proving a hard task in and of itself, nevermind the pain I'm in. Now my hands feel like I've arthritis since it hurts everytime I press a key. On the ******** keyboard. That's how bad it is.

I get in #C&T and start asking what's a good way to get in shape, so I go to to push ups and... I can't get passed two. Two months a go I could do twenty okay. Way below par but that was still better than two.

Where the hell is my strength going, here?

I used to complain about my physical health in The Gay Guild, but I don't really go to TGG anymore, and when I do they all ignore me, so it's not like I can ask for their help on the matter... Not like they'd give me any differing help from what the geeks in #C&T said: Keep trying.

But I've no motivation. I've got nothing to live for. I've given up. I'm just waiting for someone to come wisk me away into death or give me some reason for living.
Before I was able to make my own reasons. Before, I was able to get up at the clock of dawn and not be late to the school I hated going to because I had a goal.
It was crappy, but I even had a motivational song I sung to myself whenever I got down.

It was stupid but it worked. Now I've got nothing and no motivation to even get any motivation. What am I living for, anyway?

I got accepted into college; IADT Tampa. I just found out today although I pretty much knew a week a go. Now I'm not sure where I'm going to live, what I'm going to do, or even when I'm going to find time to learn how to drive.

Sure, I have hours and hours and hours of free time, but it's never enough time because whenever someone brings up driving or anything that involves work I always say no. I never have any strength to go "Yes, I'm goign to do it because I need to today."

Is this a whole new form of depression? I mean, it's like before where I'd just space out and do nothing, but this time I'm completely aware of what's going on, that I should stop it. but I can't. Or I won't. I'm not sure which one it is.

To top it all off, my mom mentioned, in one of our "your a smart alec" arguments in hawaii, some girl in middle school that got pregnant and called me multiple times threatening suicide. Her parents took her out of school and I never saw her again. I don't remember any of that. Supposedly this pregnant suicidal girl was one of my best friends. I don't even think I knew what suicide was when I was in middle school. Let alone pregnancy. I think I was still trying to figure out why girls bled from their a** every month.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I would always punch people in middle school? I don't know anymore.

Leave that damned black hole where it ******** is. I don't know where I've gone, what I'm doing, or what I'm going to become. I don't know what I want, don't want, or even can do.

JoVo kept saying stuff like the black hole is bad and I should figure out what was in it because it'd bite me in the back later.

Well it's here. And I'm crying again. JoVo is gone, I stabbed him in the back. And that black hole is stabbing me.

Except now I don't even have any back to stop it. Figuritively and literally.