I know I usually put different things in my journal but this time I feel like writing something about myself.
Been pushed down my entire life and picking myself back up again just to be pushed down even harder. Life gives you s**t and you either take it or ignored it. I did none of it, I handle in a way that ******** my life up more with the help of the abuse I got. I battle life everyday like everyone else, but to me my struggle hasn't change over the last 5 yrs.
Though I was abused mentally and physically in school as a kid and everyone over looked it thinking it was just "kids play". Hmm...the differen't wounds I got all the times I cried meant nothing to those people. Nothing was getting better so I delt with it and not say anything to anyone cause no believed me.
Middle school was the start of what I became today. Instead of all the regular abuse I got from others something else happen. Which I won't say but it messed me up really bad. When I became 14 that's when my life had ended and this life of issues surfaced. Only one person was able to screw everything up for me and she had others with her to help. It was now a death wish that she had enter my life, the battle was over and now I had signed the contract of death.
She did everything she could to me just to see me fall. Still people didn't believe me nor did people care to notice. She gave me the worse abuse I could ever have. I started habits that became a drug to me and put me in places. High school was ******** up for me after she enter my life. Dealing with the normal high school s**t then dealing with everyone out to get me including teachers. My junior year I was forced to transfer to another high school to be put in this program that made everything worst.
I had no friends to help me, my famliy was beside themsevles on what to do with me. All they could do was get me help even if that meant being put in a mental hostipal. I had no one there for me, no one to save me from the abuse or even myself.
People don't believe me on anything I say still. That's until they see my scars and fresh cuts upon my damaged body. I hated physically pain now I love it since it numbs my mental pain that slowly kills me. I do admit I am a cutter, have been for 5 years now and yet people think I do for attention. People call me emo and a loner, dammit people I hate ********' lables. I don't whine about my issues/problems or go around showing off my cuts.
I've been searching for help from anyone or anywhere I can get it. I want to be free from this but it's diffcult when you're alone all the time and no hears your cries or pleads. I have only one friend in real life but he can't always be here for me. So I make new friends online and become more out of reality. I did find an old friend to talk with again and then I found some new friends that I can talk to with. Without feeling like they will leave me and I have to start all over again.
I do have mental disorders that were finally disgnoised (sp?) correctly and have been put on medication for it. When I was 6 I was told I had serve depression for a kid then it became even worst as I grew up. Now I'm 19 still dealing with depression and my new disorders.
I'm Bioplar with the 2nd form which can later on in life turn into the first form and I would probably be shut off from the world. I have a mild form of OCD that was just rescently diagnosed. I also have Social Anxitey which is pretty high for someone at my age but it's understandble from the different abuse I've gotten over my years.
With my Bipolar I have a mild form of Schizophrenia that can become a high risk for myself and others. Not many people can believe or come to terms on this. Since a lot of people wouldn't be able to tell that I would have Schizophrenia...my depression is from my Bipolar. The 2nd form of it causes depression and Schizophrenia... I have highs and lows of my emotions. So if I seem different or anything it's cause of this, or I may be having a switch. If I do have a switch I lost control over my emotions and actions when something is said wrong to me or done something to me.
I lost so many people in school cause of the way I am...so I shut myself from the world and lost all connections to the outside world. I would refuse to speak with my famliy much less look at them. Didn't talk to anyone online nor did I leave my room. I became so bad I had to go to an actually hostipal for the fact I wasn't eating and the way I had treated myself. I was more than a lost soul this one year that all this happen. My famliy thought they had lost me for good and didn't know what to do so once again I was put back into another mental hostipal.
Everytime I went to one, I was always put under suicide watch for safety reasons. I hated being there since I wasn't allowed to do anything at all. Constantly being watched to see if I had any changes or I did something to myself. One time I couldn't take it anymore so I tried stranggling myself with the bed sheets in my room. Didn't work out to well since they stop me from doing it. So then someone had to be with me at all times.
I may seem like a sweet person or nice, in reality I'm not cause of what I've put my famliy through and what I've done to myself. I'm always bringing myself down. I hate how I put my famliy through a lot of s**t with me being put in a place and then my many different times I've tired killing myself. I don't wish to put them in any more pain but it's extremely hard when they are most of my problems of the breakdowns I have, and my cutting. So I feel like I'm on a double-edge sword that no matter what I do I'll get cut for a mistake or whatever.
I do remind myself on who I have now and try to forget the past. I mostly can't forget my past when people keep coming out of no where to remind me who they are and what they did. I struggle everyday to keep myself from cutting or trying another overdose. I can't get out of this place that I'm lost in. All I ask in life is help from someone or people that can save me from myself before I'm actually dead.
Not many people can understand me since I always put up a wall to protect myself but some people have broken that wall and know how I am. I just hope I don't fall furter down this place by me letting these certain people come closer to me.
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~Words From The Unknown~
Just random stuff out of my mind
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