I'm still suffering. I don't really understand it all. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so confused on so many different things. I try to find my relief in God, but i don't know how. It only adds to my pain. I don't know how other's do it. I still believe in him, and i still pray, whenever i can, it just doesn't take away the pain.
I feel like a lost puppy, dying on the side of the road. So many people walk by, and so few notice, but even fewer offer to help. But it feels like their help doesn't even heal me. It's so hopeless, but i still carry hope.
I know i might sound all 'emo' and 'depressed', but I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to state how i feel. All my problems may seem so simple, but everything is so complex to me. Everything is Complex. no matter how you put it, to me, it is complex. My mom told me to go 'soul searching' cause no one really knows how i feel, and i know she's right. No one can help me but God and myself. But i feel like i'm pushing God out of the picture without wanting too, cause every time i try to search, i feel like i'm dying as i figure it out, and falling away from Him. The closer i get to figuring myself out, i feel like i dye more inside. The truth inside of me is slowly killing me. I don't think it's affected my outside world yet, but my world that i built for myself is burning away. All the lies i built to make me feel less pain, all my fantasies to try to take it away, their disappearing.
I'm trying so hard to explain it all, and i think all i really want is for someone that feels the same as i do, but there's not another me. There's only one person going through what i am going through and feeling the same about it.
Whatever. I know i'll get better once i see a friend, or temporally forget it all in a split moment of happiness. I really am trying to get better, but i feel it'll take a long time. I'm so afraid to find the truth inside of me, because i'm afraid it might actually kill me. lol, i know rping makes me feel better, cause it's like im a different person. I think that's something else wrong with me. I want to be someone else, and i hate who i am.
If you read through this, thank you for taking the time to try to understand me.I don't know what the future holds. My feelings are on and off. This is just a moment in a million....
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My Random Dairy
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