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OMG, another rant on why I dislike my life, shocker! |
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Ignoring every
t e m p t a t i o n...
So yeah. Mainly on friends. Before any of my IRL friends read this (For those are the people I am referring to) please do not take offense to any of this. I am very strange. And a jerk. And I probably do not deserve friends who put up with as much of my nonsensical as they do. Do not, I repeat, do not take any of this personally. This has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.
So, I am a jerk. I've already stated that. But not only am I jerk, I am a jerk who doesn't know if she has any real friends anyway. I guess it's because I'm paranoid. Spending time with my friends is usually great and awesome and super-cool, for I can forget all my "holy-crap-why-do-i-exist" thoughts that I usually have alone. But lately I have been more ponderous. I just kind of think, "What's the point of trying to keep friends? Chances are I'll do something to offend them anyway or they'll realize I'm a stupid b***h or something." Especially when I'm alone. Everyday at school I am faced with thoughts such as, "Do they care? I mean, really?" I mean, of course if I show up crying or something they'll try to comfort me but sometimes think that friends are kind of like symbiotic relationship. Hey, I'll be nice to you, you be nice to me, I comfort you, you comfort me, bam! we're both happy. And that's what friends do. And I know that shouldn't seem superficial to me, but it sort does.
It's not that I don't want friends. No, I certainly do. But maybe I just want them because they relieve me from thinking and pondering about why the hell I live. I guess all this thinking about friendship comes from my experience with friendship. First grade, had one really good friend at school. She moved, never saw her after that. Second grade, new best friend at school, that was about it aside from another best friend who lived next door but was older than me so went to different school. Went to the elementary school, she stayed at primary school never really spoke. Third grade, first half of the year I am totally alone, just sort of meander around. Overhead my neighbor friend talking with another sort of friend wondering why anyone would want to hang out with me. I don't know whether she was kidding to this day. Second half of year became best friends with a girl who was a total b***h towards me during first grade. She moved too. Best friend from second grade also moved. Fourth grade, for about three quarters of the year I hang out by myself. Last quarter I make two friends who I actually am still friends with. Fifth grade I sort of meander by myself again, and eventually made very good friends with one person in a group of people. Group of people doesn't really like me, picks on me most of the time except for one person. I have no where better to go so I just stick around that group. They tolerate me at first. Eventually I leave very angrily because they have teased me to much. Hang out by myself for a while, am friends with group again at end of year. Hang out with that group in sixth, seventh, and eighth. We loose people, gain some. They didn't pick on me anymore. And high school you guys already know.
So, obviously that's not all that went on. It would take to long to describe all my friendships. In my younger years I was loner, horrible in P.E. and always wanting to play patty-cake with the other girls. But really, this isn't a sob story and I'll be surprised if you actually wade through all this crap. I like writing journal entries because it helps get my thoughts out but I hate it because I feel so self-centered. But back to the topic.
Sometimes I just don't get people. I mean, I've people I've said a word to hate me and people with whom I was good friends one year rarely even say hi to me the next year. And of course most of my really good friends are older than me, and I've got only a couple of good friends who are in my grade and one of them I'm probably not going to see after high school and I dunno about the rest. I'm going to probably lose contact with all of my friends after high school. Because they'll be doing other stuff.
And drama. Lately there has been a bit of that. A friend of the group who doesn't like me got into a fight with another friend and blah blah blah. I don't get exactly why he doesn't like me. I know I offended him once, but I was joking around I apologized for that a couple times and explained I was joking and didn't mean it but maybe he didn't hear me and I'm just a jerk. I don't know. I mean, if I have friends who like him I think he must be neat in some way or another but I've sort of thought about giving up trying to be decent. I mean, even now I feel bad about saying anything at all about this person. I mean, understand that some people don't like me. But I'd like to know what exactly I did wrong. I can understand if something I say offends you. I can be thoughtless and rude and horrible and a b***h sometimes. All of the time. Whatever. But if I offend you by saying something in particular I wish you would tell me!
I don't mean to offend people! In fact, I hate fighting! I hate arguments! I don't like offending people. It makes me feel bad. I don't like people hating me right off the bat. But, whatever. I should just stop typing. Because, I kinda feel like s**t. Like, as in I kind of am like s**t. Sometimes. Most of the time. All of the time. I don't know.
So recap:Blah blah whine whine b***h nobody likes me blah blah why did i have no friends when i was young self-loathing blah blah blah.
I don't know why I even post these. I always feel self-centered and whiny afterwards. But, better I guess.
Only to destroy my sanity
 dalia salvd · Sun Mar 22, 2009 @ 07:36am · 0 Comments |
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