Tonight
llllllllTonight seemed to be just another night of gazing at my window. Normally, I tried to think of a single good thought to put me to sleep; anything to simply cause my dreams to flow in a manner where they would not wake me until the morning came about and the sun had begun to rise.
llllllllApparently however, I wasn’t allowed to sleep tonight. No, not tonight. Definitely not tonight. There was this, thing, a figure of sorts, outside my window; which had to stare at me. Why was it even here tonight? Even more so, why did it have to bother me. Of all the people in all the places of the world, why me, why now, why this late at night?
llllllllRight when I was starting to doze off too. However, the sudden awareness was horribly frightening for the first few moments. As a matter of fact, as I think it was, I had been staring at that window sense earlier tonight… had it been watching me the whole time? Had it watched me turn out the light, lie in my bed, try to go to sleep? The utter sense of realization that hits you when you recognize the situation at hand. How it rises from your abdominals and then straight into the pit of your stomach when you finally understand what you’re looking at. When you grasp that, that tree branch is actually the figure, the creature, the deep shadow looming into your room created from the Moon’s reflective glow.
llllllll Kind of odd how the moon manages to pull off something like that anyways. If the Sun is the beacon for all life as we know it; that provides heat, energy, and light, then the Moon merely reflects all of the Sun’s energy to the night. What did that make the Moon if it was merely a reflection; a false sense of hope, an object we think provides light, an opaque version of life? Perhaps the Moon is meant to be invisible. In the creation of life we always considered it the Sun that heated and warmed to earth to cause the tiny micro bacteria to grow. However, if it wasn’t for the Moons control of the tide, the oceans would never have churned and tossed about as violently as they had producing the basic protein and characteristic of all life as we know it- DNA. Was it really the Moon who had first created life, in an essence, started to the whole pull of the world and set everything silently into the driving motion? Maybe if the Sun was the giver of life, perhaps the Moon was the creator, the Sun trying to shine light on this fact every night the moon passed over us, the invisible motion of the world, the motivation, what keeps us all going…
llllllllWait where was I? What was this? Where was I really, why was I even here? Not just here, not that I knew, but why was I even put on this earth. Who sent me here? Did anyone? Has anyone? Perhaps the whole string of coincidences has lead me to this point, to this land, to this point in time where I am right now, or perhaps it was something else? Could there really be a being at force in the world, controlling everything, knowing everything? Possibly not even a being, a spirit, a mind, a celestial body, another dimensional object, or something that possessed a power even greater than all of those mentioned before… and if so, why did it put me here? What was the meaning, to what purpose, to what desire, to what extent was I here for, to simply be put into this world to die and be taken away to simply rot away forever in the black abyss of this world?
llllllll You know, why did it have to kill me. That figure. That mess. That “tree branch”. Why did it have to take me? Are the forces of nature telling me that, this whole period of my life was meant for nothing? Eating, sleeping, dreaming, breathing, going to the restroom, even sneezing and coughing and burping where all a part of life that I had to manage to pull off or die. All this hard work spent, wasted, useless, blasted away. Cast asunder under the beating Sun. Life being torn from me, much as the Night’s grasp is taken from the earth each time the Moon rolls on by; or in reality, each time the Earth accidentally spins away from the Moon, it’s only shred of hope… It’s infuriating to think about; all my life and labor and hard work was nothing now, nothing I had done mattered, all my work was shattered! Why did my life have to end when millions of politics grew fat and rich, why did my life have to end when life itself was carried on for villains whom committed horrible heinous acts and weren’t even in jail. What a disgusting, horrible, putrid, thing that was there. Just there, staring at me, looking deep into my eyes and reading all my thoughts, conceiving all the things it would do to me. Trying to horrifically end my life and send me into a burning peril, send me to a place where I’m greeted by nothing but a wall of flame and agony. It being there, mocking me, trying to make me incinerate- no I could not simply die. It had to make me suffer; truly feel it’s accursed affliction. Imagine all of the things I would never be able to get done, of all the wonderful goals I had set out for myself being instantly crushed, all the things I intended to do, and then having me left here to wallow in that torture. That figure which I could barely see the reflection of made me sick, almost to the point of retching. It’s ironic because of the huge amount of light being shown into my room, I could only make out it’s figure. Maybe if it was darker, I could have seen what the creature was like more clearly…
llllllll Why did my life have to end. Oh, the things I wish I could do… couldn’t I say bye first, to all my friends, to all my family, to everyone I knew. Have one last moment to cry and laugh, one more time to feel okay, to feel like something mattered in this world. Now nothing did. Nothing was of any matter anymore, I was to be gone, and there was no way to control it. Incontrollable, inevitable, I was going to die, to be removed from all my goals and hard work and contemplation over the world. I had finally started to think, finally started to wonder, finally started to love… and now I would never be able to do anything I had ever set out to do. Just put into this cruel world to be plunged into the dark abyss of the universe, blasted into oblivion as I was no more, and nothing would have any significance or even have had mattered in my life, me being worthless. Oh the terrible torment of death, me lingering on the edge of existence, feeling the ache of perceiving that my time here was about to be over…
llllllll Well, if I was worthless, and this was uncontrollable, and this was all planned out, what was there to lose? My life was meaningless; it was destined for me to stop working at this moment. Everything was already nothing; my life had always meant nothing. There was nothing to lose, because nothing mattered in the first place. I was nothing. Not but a spec in this universe. Just a little drop in an endless ocean. After all, ninety nine percent of the universe was dark matter, or the space in between matter. As well, after all, ninety nine percent of all matter was hydrogen. Of that one percent, around zero point zero zero zero zero zero one was carbon. And of that, only an even smaller and more miniscule amount contributed to life- my gosh, with all the hydrocarbons and frozen methane and ethane that was out there, how tiny of an amount really was life? And of that life, especially if life existed on another planet, how small where humans? Well of nearly all the life we know, that carbon is only 0.000000000000001% human. And of those humans, I was merely one in six billion. I was tiny. Trivial. Just a little passing by. My little blip in this world, maybe 15 years, was nothing compared to the 15 billion years the universe had been around; I was so small, and so young, and so little in age, was anything I could produce, that anyone could produce, really worth anything? I was nothing, it could not have been more revealing, that even though I was more useless by dieing early, I was purposeless no matter what, that we were simply put here to fail and then to die.
llllllllThis was a horrible world, why doesn’t it just remove me now. The cruel injustice of meaning nothing and working so hard to stay alive and then have it all taken away from you in a single moment. All the hard work stolen, or maybe your life that you had stolen, taken back or simply taken; of no matter, seized away from you, who wanted it. This was too much. I didn’t have to take this! Ah, nice feeling of contempt. I was nothing. Meant to be nothing. Could never amount to anything but a small blip in this time. Why bother? Remove me, this is a gruesome torture anyways, put me into another dimension, another world, where I might actually be of use. Take me away from this repulsive land, efface me from the earth. Embed me into a better land that's not as vile and grotesque as this one… I’m done with life as it is.
llllllll The bushes rustled, movement stirring everywhere, the creature drifting. Peering into my room, it let out a screech, bellowing and echoing into my domain, such a deafening roar that it’s strength reverberated all the way from hell into this world, if hell was so far way. Lifting it’s body up, the creature arose from it’s meditative slumber and took to it’s bout around the world. The shadow grew to an enormous size, strode around, and hastily worked about. Readying itself, the creature spread itself out some more, and quite clearly revealed it’s entire being to me in one single, bewildering moment.
llllllll The bird flew away.
Community Member