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My whole life is centered around the internet. Er, was.

It's been a very slow process, but I've been weaning myself off since about.. Uh.. Whatever the month before August is.

Anyway, despite the fact that I can't recite the months in a year worth s**t, the last time I was faced with suicidal thoughts and dragged Crafty into it (a few weeks before AWA), it took my mom four words to convince me I seriously had a problem.

Not that I'm addicted to the internet, XD Oh, god, no. I suppose I rely heavily on it, but I can go several days without completely freaking out and complaining I have no internet, so I consider myself not addicted to the internet because of that.

Anyway, the four words were, "Is this about Chris?"

The day before she said that, my Ex-Fiance, Chris, had told me he couldn't come to AWA and was really sorry. We had planned for the whole year to meet up at AWA again, to access our love, blah blah (we broke off the engagement because we hadn't been in touch with eachother, so didn't know what our feeling were anymore; we figured a physical meetup would settle it).

So he says he can't go to AWA because he got a job, and at the time it didn't conflict, but the training goes on until the day after AWA, and if he skipped training he'd be out of a job. And he really needed that job. So he didn't come, and I told him it was fine and I understood, which I did.

And then a few hours later I had the whole breakdown thing, and at the time, I thought it was COMPLETELY UNRELATED. But then my mom said "Is this about Chris?" and at that second.. I knew it was.

And I was suddenly very ashamed of myself for thinking about suicide for something as stupid and unavoidable as that.

No, it wasn't the many times my dad yelled at me "Get a life" that did it, or the many times he screamed at me "They're not real people!"(which assure you, Brian, they are).
It was "Is this about Chris?" Who would've ever thought that would be the phrase to get me off the computer.

Ever since the last breakdown, I have all my messengers set so they don't auto-log in when I get on. I have to physically open them, which, let me assure, cuts down on your IM talking DRAMATICALLY. You owuldn't think it'd do much, but let me tell you, it does. It also has you on the computer a lot less, since you get straight to what you "need" to do, and then you get bored easily and get off.

So I've been sticking to SheezyArt and not really coming to Gaia at all.

Point being, I'm now not even on the internet at all in the course of a day instead of maybe two or three hours. It's like every other day is computer day for about thirty minutes, don't even drop by Gaia, and then I'm off again.

And the funny part is I still don't have any friends XD.
It's not like I've replaced the internet with sometype of GOOD activity like socializing or exercising or homework- nope. It's gone to reading, sleeping, and watching TV.
In fact, I was doing much better socially when I was actually IMing people. Now I go to school and instead of trying to smile and talk, it's more like *grumble grumble- busy self with drawing or writing*

I suppose that's a step in the wrong direction, but oh well.

I think I've pretty much decided that I know nothing about editing and really do need to go to somesort of school or get an apprenticeship somewhere instead of send resumes everywhere, but the only problem is.. I've set myself up for "off on my own" for so long that I've pretty much screwed up any hopes for getting into a good school(although I suppose tech schools really don't care if you skipped the PSATs or never got passed biology and Algebra 2).

I wonder if you can get a GED ontop of a highschool diploma? Then, technically, I could get into Job Corp. But in the meantime, I literally know NOTHING about any type of post-secondary schools, because all Highschool feeds you is "You need to go to college to get a job" bullshit. I always tuned it out, and rightfully so.

The only thing that highschool garbage teaches you is that "College = job, so you better go to college!" It leaves kids going to college and then when they graduate, expect jobs to be thrown at them. What is happening these days? You guessed it- people with college degrees flipping burgers, or having breakdowns since the jobs aren't coming to them because that's what's "supposed" to happen.

Anyway. I'm not supposed to be ranting about highschools being bullshit right now.

I need a tutor. I need a tutor that can basically guide me through the whole tech-school finding process. I've tried searching a little by myself, and I either have to have some type of college degree to go into a video school(what kind of s**t is that?) or take a class in a tech college that doesn't exactly fit my field.

I want something that will fit exactly what I want. All I want to do is edit. That's it. I don't want to direct or do special effects or lighting or sound or preproduction or acting or screenwriting or videography- I want to edit.

I want to be the one sitting infront of Avid or Final Cut Pro being told what to do and yelled at. Is it so hard to find a school to teach me that? I guess so.

This is the whole reason I didn't want to go to a post-secondary school in the first place. Because who needs to LEARN how to be ORDERED AROUND?

But yeah, so I kind of need a personal escort for the whole tech school process since I don't even know what graduate and undergraduate classses are, and I haven't taken SAT or ACT.

See, the only wrong thing with this is that I really don't want to kick the bucket to my parents and say, "Hey, you know what, you were right, I was just a stubborn b***h the whole time and I need your help with this."

No, I am not going to do that, because the last time I did say they were right, I was wrong, and I need help, they sat there and said, "Hey, we know we're right, so now you've proven we're omniscent and right about EVERYTHING, you have no say in this house any more, so we're not going to help you, you pathetic excuse for a child. You can try and dig out from your own hole."

So I was forced to try and dig out from my own hole, and I don't exactly remember what that hole was, but I can assure you that I never dug out of it and just ditched it completely, leaving that part of my life in shambles.

So yeah, I'm in a pinch. I don't know what I can do; my highschool counselor has pretty much helped me all she can, and I've got nowhere else to turn.
Going to my parents will just leave me feeling guilty, useless, AND nowhere, so I might as well feel guilty, useless, and nowhere without them rubbing it in my face.