Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Living in Love, Fear, and Depression

I don't know what to do anymore. There are few that love me. many that hate me. Many fear me and many I fear. Like my father. I love very much and remain loyal to him but when he gets mad. I fear him. He when gets angry or explodes in rage, it's like watching a volcano. It scares me badly. When he cools down and tries to appolgieze, I expect. He thinks i got over it, but that's not the truth. I'm afraid that things might go wrong if I don't do so. I'm so sick of it. My father is a very good man, but he got into bad things in his youth. I'm tired of watching him fight with my mother and stay still in fear to see my family fall apart. I'm afraid that one day, they might divorice then what will happen next? Even though I pick on fights and can be violent, I try to keep peace with my family.... but it doesn't work most of the time. Also I make mistakes and then people judge me so harshly on it. Why do they hate me so? i don't know what is going on to tell you the truth... as I right this I cry. Even no matter how hard I try to hold it or show no emotion. I just can't. the tears of fear flow like rivers of sadness. If I make a fault to my sister she repaets that fault like it's the latest fashion trend to everyone who cares to listen. Just like my mother. For me, I just keep it inside... it doesn't work out. Even my own family doesn't seem to love me at times. well in my head. I just wish someone could just breech out to me and help me. I really need it.