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Today I was talking in the WIHL -like always- but, unlike always, two things happened.
1. I made myself look like the idiot I am.
2. I realised I have no friends.

Well, I know I've had trouble with friends for a long time. This year, I've been trying to stop being so anti-social and make new friends. Only problem is, my standards for friends are higher than the tallest building not yet built.

In order to be a friend of mine, we have to be able to talk on the phone to eachother, cheerfully, whenever we feel like it. We have to be able to share any secrets without fear of them being told. We have to be able to freely go over to eachother's house. Go to movies, hang out, and the like.

I figure these are the requirements for anyone to be anyone else's friend, but I guess not. Either that or I'm simply not friend material.

I used to have three really awesome friends. Two of them I'm losing communication with, and the last one turned into such an egotistical maniac with the "i'm holier than thou" attitude.

So I got a new friend, Christine, and her then ******** buddy, Ryan/Corn Dog/Mexican. Chrstine is also known as Pogo. Then Pogo graduated, and we lost contact. Corndog's still around, but doesn't pay attention to me.

So now I think I have one friend. But I'm not exactly sure who it is. I'm sure if I called on Melissa, we could hang out or do whatever. And if I called Sum, and she was free-er, we could do anything. But since Sum is like the busiest person ever, and I haven't been to Melissa's parties since her sister decided she wanted to rape me, I don't know which one is still friend material.

I'm trying to make new friends at school, but they always fall short of the calling on the phone and coming over to eachother's house part. It may have to do that I'm just a general idiot and a geek, or that I live farther away from anyone else (I go to a school outside of my district).

Which leads me to the question.. What the hell kind of support system will I have when I graduate?

I need some sort of support system. Even sane, non-attention whores need support systems.

Maybe this is why I want to move to Tulsa. Everytime anyone ever asked me why I wanted to move to Tulsa(since there's nothing there), I lock up. I don't have an answer.

Maybe, just maybe, I figure if I move to where the internet friends are, I'll magically have some real friends. And Crafty and Jack are both in Tulsa, hey! That's a two-for-one deal!

But both Crafty and Jack have fairly busy lives now, and we don't talk much. Since that happened, I've lead myself to believe they've abandoned me, or I've done something wrong warranting their un-attention.
And since I have done that, I am now looking into tech schools or possible apprenticeships for video editing.
I guess I figure even if I go to a school I hate, there will still be people there, and the possibility of new friends.

I mean, online I'm sort of in the same boat. Online, to be considered a friend, we have to talk a ton to eachother, and reveal personal secrets, as well as be comfortable enough to have the possibility of a phone call/voice conversation.
I'm trying to make new friends online as well, pushing myself to talk more, but I end up just run out of things to say and thus, giving the people who actually want to be my friend a wary status of "somewhere inbetween 'aquaintance' and 'friend'."

My last count of friends online was about five. Because of lack of talking and activity from others, it has no gone down to one. See, friends for me is an ever changing variable. During your inactivity you're not considered a friend unless you were an exceptionally good before your disappearance/inactivity. If people ask if you're still my friend, I will tell them yes, but in my head, you've dropped back down to aquaintance.

I'm trying to get Nios to be my friend, I'm trying to get Twistex to be my friend, and I tried and gave up on Astri being my friend- not because she wasn't voluntary, but because she just has too hectic of a life to talk with her enough.

DK is pretty much almost my friend now, I've asked personal questions and we haven't passed around histories, but I'm sure histories don't matter anymore. She offered to call. I don't know why she isn't friend status yet. I'm probably doing something wrong on this one.

Regardless, the whole reason the thought process of no friends got started - as I haven't thought nor cared about it in a few years - was because Twistex brough up teabagging in WIHL. I came back with this:


Jack was on a roadtrip with his friend Bailey for that reason plus teaching some stuff. I think I have to admit that I'm jealous at this point.
Doing things in an unofficial gang has been one of my guilty dreams for a really long time.

It was one of the reasons I got so infatuated with nerocam at one point, and was very angry they didn't let me join. It all started with Micheal Chalfont(sp._... I think he goes by Mike, now.

It's very ironic, don't you think? Mike starting it all.

Either way, he's the whole reason I got into gangs, and one of the main reasons that when I first self-harmed, I said it was a gang initiation symbol. I was that desperate to be accepted. I'm such a loser.

Fast forward four years and I try to make friends with a self-harmer. Told her my self-harm story, and suddenly I'm not "good enough" to be her friend.
Because I didn't self harm addictively, because I wasn't institutionalized.

Oh, okay. Maybe these people are the reason why I went to such great lengths to convince people I was bipolar, to convince people I needed to be institutionalized. To be accpeted. By my own damned social focus.

And I'm not even welcome there.