Alto Saxophone: An instrument that likes to annoy the band director by playing even after he stops the song. Squeaks on purpose and usually likes to make fun of every other section in the band.
Attention: Standing completely still, even if bees fly into your shako or your contact lens rolls behind your eyeball.
Band Camp: At least one week of marching on a sort of material considered by some to be considered dead grass and dirt while the staff attempts to train the drummers.
Band Member: One who willingly gives up their free time to spend endless hours marching on a football field with no apparent destination.
Band Mommy: A member of the boosters extremely proficient in keeping track of minute details and making band members angry a little too often.
Band 'Ten Hut: Sharp verbal command given by those in charge, immediately responded to with a shout of, "One!" and stiff (correct) posture.
Bari Saxophone: A.K.A. "The Pig," named for its tendancy to resemble an obese sacrificial sow with a head cold, tone-wise.
Baritone: Instrument played by those who began on trumpet, but could not achieve a big enough head.
Basics: Warmup before competitions and rehearsal; marching back and forth in a 5-by-whatever block, paying attention to posture, heel position, phasing, and staying in step, among other things.
Bend-Back-And-Peal: A move in the drill in which all band members drink saliva as their horns point to the box and results in strange looks from any inexperienced spectator that happens to be at field level.
Bus: Home away from home on trips. Good place for watching Monty Python and Drumline and listening to Bohemian Rhapsody, but bad for swing dancing.
Caffeine: The fuel that keeps sleep-deprived musicians functioning (relatively) normally.
Cards: Small, rectangular pieces of plastic-coated paper which will keep band geeks entertained for hours on end.
Clarinet: An instrument used solely when the music calls for sound effects of cats in blenders.
Coffee: A hot, brown liquid containing large amounts of caffeine of great value to tired band members.
Colorguard: Wannabe musicians who are used as distractions to keep the audience from noticing band members who are off-step. Dance around the field, waving flags, sabers, and rifles.
Competition: A day when every local high school band comes out and performs in hopes of beating Mead. A chance for band mommies, parents, and interested administrators to come and see just why band members have no lives.
Conducting: Waving one's arms wildly about in the air to make the audience think something is going on, while, in truth, the band already knows what they're doing and the drummers won't pay attention anyway.
Conductor: One who takes the place of the colorguard during a concert, entertaining the audience with new and astounding dance moves.
Crayons: Sticks of colored wax used for artistic endeavors, particularly on long bus rides.
Denny's: Open-All-Night restaurant chain favored by band and drama students prior to their exile.
Dinkles: Evil shoes that are said to be made for marching, yet we all know they are intended for cruel and inhumane torture.
Director: The person who claims to be in charge when everything is going well and claims denial when things go wrong.
Dollar Bill: A piece of paper used to repair clarinet pads and purchase caffeinated beverages.
Dr. Beat: A form of torture invented by alchemists in the late 16th century in the form of a horrendously loud electric metronome. Has the capability of making extremely terrifying noises and even talking.
Drill: Sheets of paper showing little black dots making pretty pictures. Good bonfire fodder.
Drilldown: An advanced version of "Simon Says" where band members attempt to follow long sets of confusing orders of horn commands and marching.
Drum Corps: How over-devoted musicians spend their summer vacations when they're forced to go out into the "real world."
Drum Major: The student singled out by the staff to color on poker chips, lug stereo equipment, and run for coffee so they can be the ones to conduct the band on the field.
Drummers: 1: A group of reality-impaired individuals who go around constantly beating on things, allowing themselves to think that they are a highly-evolved group of musicians when indeed, neither of those terms apply. 2: The synonym for "stupid", "dumb", and "brainless." Often used in the phrase, "You're such a drummer!"
Duct Tape: Grey cloth of amazing strength backed with heavy-duty adhesive; an integral part of band philosophy and solution to every problem known to man.
Dynamics: Volume of the music; inversely proportional to the number of clarinets on the field.
Early: Impossible; see Staley's Formula of Arrival.
Field: 100 yards in length, this is a wide expanse of mud, or more often dirt, on which bands perform. Contained within the area of this expanse are frequent sprinklers with occasional patches of grass.
Flags: Large, floaty, shiny pieces of cloth on sticks waved by members of the colorguard. Good for "accidentally" thwacking annoying field judges.
Flute: A silver pipe, immensely popular with beginning band students as it is the only instrument in which one can cross her legs while playing sitting down.
Football Team: Those who would take over the band field.
Football Game: The band's pre-show warm-up.
Fund-Raiser: Several weekends where band members wash cars or run errands for vendors at craft fairs in order to pay for buses.
Fussel: Detested composer who wrote a series of chord exercises used to check tuning, tone, and blend. Excellent bonfire fodder.
Groupies: Those who are not in band yet wish they were cool enough to be. Often seen sitting in the hall by the band room or near the band section in the bleachers.
Halt: Command in which everyone stops three beats afterwards.
Hell: Getting up for school at 5:30 AM (for a "0" period band class, of course) after a late night of rehearsal and cramming.
Home: A place existing only in band members' imaginations as it is often described yet rarely seen.
Instructor: One who spends three months telling you everything you're doing wrong, then congratulates your excellence.
Interval: The space between two band members, often changing in an amoebic fashion.
Late: Death. See Staley's Formula of Arrival.
Life: Supposedly it exists, but has yet to be discovered by band members.
Letter Jacket: A symbol of athleticism and ego, normally utilized by "jocks," that has been transformed into a revered cult relic after emblazonment with patches and pins from various musical competitions.
Lonely Tree: An unfortunate tree at band camp, distant from the practice field, chosen as a mark for late or otherwise disobedient band members to run to, and yell their greetings as they pass by on their way returning to the field. Interchangeable with the Lonely Flagpole when there are no Lonely Trees to be found.
Marking Time: Marching without going anywhere.
Mellophone: A french horn re-designed so that the sound, which intentionally goes backwards in concert band, may be redirected at the audience to inflict pain and suffering.
Melody: Whatever is being played the loudest, usually the trumpets by default.
Monty Python: A British comedy troupe with such cultural productions as "The Search for the Holy Grail," "The Ministry of Silly Walks," and the infamous "Spam Sketch."
Mountain Dew: A cold, green liquid containing great amounts of caffeine. The Nectar of Life during marching band season.
Mouthpiece: A critical component of any brass instrument which has a tendency to sprout legs and wander off of its own accord. Punishable by 'shups.
Mud: One of Washington's main crops, grown in corners of the practice field. Grows exponentially.
Music: 1. Paper containing lots of lines and little dots which supposedly tell you what the show should sound like. A killjoy for those who enjoy improvisation. 2. That noise which can be heard emanating from the bandroom or rehearsal field at any odd hour of the day.
Notes: The language of music, just as clarinetists speak English and drummers bang their heads against things.
On Time: Impossible; see Staley's Formula of Arrival.
Parade Rest: Standing at attention with one's hands clasped in front and legs apart. Usual position during retreat.
Parents: Adult figures seen only occasionally, usually at home.
Pass-Through: A move in which two lines cross paths, often resulting in bruises and dented and/or broken instruments for both parties involved.
Pep Band: A group of musicians who get free admission to basketball and football games so they can play music during time-outs, blow bubbles, annoy the players, and see how many rules the WIAA makes because of their behavior last year.
Piccolo: A small flute with a tone that only a banshee could love. Cannot be tuned, and is therefore relegated to the extremities of the field. Used to torture indolent sophomores.
Plume: A large, highly-flammable feathered rod vaguely resembling a taxidermified cat's tail. Rubbed for good luck prior to competition.
Poker Chip: A small plastic disc emblazoned with one's drill number, used for marking sets during rehearsal.
Rain: Drops of water which fall from the sky; nature's way of telling musicians to practice indoors. Will not stop rehearsal.
Rehearsal Arc: A loose semi-circle in which the band stands for long periods of time while waiting for flutes to tune.
Rehearsal: Three or six hours spent marching around the back field while under constant secrutiny by the staff.
Retreat: The last part of a competition, in which bands stand at parade rest for indeterminate periods of time while waiting for the announcer to call one school's name a bunch of times so they can go home.
Rifle: A gun made out of white wood tossed by the colorguard. Though bullet-less, can cause serious damage.
Roll-Step: A method of walking in which one's head does not bounce. Good for preventing lunch-tray-spillage in a crowded cafeteria.
Saber: An artificial sword made out of plastic, used by colorguard members to show, via force, who's boss.
Scale: A pattern of notes progressing in a logical order to, in theory, sound relatively pleasant.
Section Leader: One who thinks they are in charge, though they have just as much trouble remembering music as anyone else.
Shako: Headwear of choice, never to be set with the top on the ground. Decorated with plumes.
Shari's: New hangout for musicians and thespians after being thrown out of Denny's. Suspicious of anyone under 21 who just wants to have pie and coffee while chatting with friends.
Shoe: That which can be used as ammunition for target practice by the director.
'Shups: Punishment for tardiness, wayward mouthpieces, mouthing off, and anything else seen fit.
Sight-Reading: The first time playing a new piece of music. Usually sounds as if the composer had intended their music to be played during a train wreck.
Slide: 1. Device used by trombone players to change notes. Excellent disguise for poking innocent woodwinds in the backs. 2. A marching maneuver in which the torso is parallel to the stands while the feet are pointed another direction. Saves band members from frequent chiropractic visits.
Solo: A chance for a few special musicians to play the melody themselves, sitting out during rehearsal and laughing at the poor saps who have to march.
Sousaphone: A large, low-pitched brass instrument which makes an exceptional hula-hoop. Goes crunch when sat upon by floutists.
Squeak: Clarinet section's tuning note of choice.
Staff: Band alumni who cannot, no matter how hard they try, give up marching band and eventually try to eke out a living by being in charge.
Staley's Formula of Arrival: Early = on-time. On-time = late. Late = dead.
Sweepstakes: The part of the competition where Mead comes down to the front and forms a concert arc and deafens the audience as they show off how loud they can be.
Telephone: A device whose sound is often mistaken for that of a doorbell, though the doors in the band hall have no bells...
Tempo: Speed of the music; directly proportional to the amount of Mountain Dew consumed before rehearsal.
Tenor Saxophone: A larger version of an alto sax, but sounds like a German cat in a large food processor.
Theory: A two-hour annual lecture from the director, explaining why key signatures are relevant in the whole scheme of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Trombone: A brass instrument with a slide instead of valves, as even three buttons were completely baffling.
Trumpet: A brass instrument which, strangely, has a tendency to swell the head of the player. At the moment, there is no scientific evidence to prove this, but it's under way...
Tune: A time for the band to rest while waiting for the piccolos.
Uniform Elf: A student who has nothing better to do during class than make sure each student has correctly put away his/her uniform and dole out 'shups for uniform violations.
Uniform Violation: Wings not turned, jacket not zipped, hanger backwards, junk in shako boxes, happy zippers etc. Results in excessive 'shuppage.
Valves: Sort of like woodwind buttons, but greatly simplified for brass mentalities.
Visuals: Futile attempts to turn the band into a colorguard.
Vocals: When the band attempts to yell louder than Dr. Beat on the field during Rehearsal.
WIAA: The Washington Interscholastic Activities Association; a group that decides that the pep band can't have any fun with banners, noisemakers, etc.
Woodwinds: Proof that God has a sense of humor.
Xylophone: A percussion instrument whose keys seem to draw the player's eyes so that they do not look up at their conductor, ever.
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